138 - The End.

On April 30th, this blog will be officially deleted and nothing on it will be accessible from then on. Occasionally, I may take posts from this blog and repost them on my new blog, as the memories and the experiences I've recounted here are forever part of me and may be of significant blogging value in the future.

I'd like to thank all the people that have stopped by in the last year or so to ponder the meanings and trivialities of life together with me. It was a good idea for me when I was just a bit younger than I am now, but unfortunately, I've outgrown this one and am moving on. Please remove yourself as a follower from this blog, please unsubscribe from this blog's RSS feed, please take it off your bookmarks or your blogroll or whatever mechanism you perused to follow my writings - it is the end and there is no point in holding this blog too tightly.

And please follow my new blog, 'The Psyche of Mikey'. That's important.

Au revoir, mes amis!

137 - At a loss for words

Hi. How are all of you doing?

Just to update you on the new blog that's coming, I haven't done anything yet in the process of creating it. I haven't been that busy, but my mindset isn't and can't be quite focused on that yet. But I think the time off does help with reflection, enables me to take a step back, and see what's going wrong and see what I can do to improve it. So, in the meantime, I'm still considering the exact layout, the style, the feel, the direction, and the content of it, but don't worry, it'll happen eventually.

To be honest with you, I'm at a loss for words right now. Thoughts are coming at me from all directions from the past and the future and the present and I don't really know what to make of them. I wish I could make them cohesive, I wish I could make them a story to tell you. So I'm just going to leave it at that, because the way I'm phased right now is the very reason I don't want to write here. I feel like I've lost my direction, and I feel like I can't gather my thoughts properly anymore.

Maybe you can help improve my currently sombre mood at the moment. Themes that have been cropping up a lot lately are patience and understanding. What if you know that it's impossible for someone to understand you? How are you meant to say 'don't bother' to them politely? What if their misunderstanding causes awkwardness, tension and unhappiness for you? What are supposed to do when someone just doesn't get it?

136 - The beginning of the end

Before an individual presents bad news to others, sometimes they will feel the need to mention that it breaks their heart to even say this, that even the very act of presenting upsetting information evokes in them a sense of helpless shame and sadness before they've even brought others into that same dark place. They may also phrase it in a slightly different way, the clichéd old line of there's-no-easy-way-to-say-this-so-I'm-just-gonna-say-it. Most of the time when people utter these words, they aren't really thinking hard about what their words imply. These two approaches to sharing thorny matters are effectively meaningless and false, because they miraculously provide the user with the exact 'easy way to say it' that he/she so desperately needs, but perhaps sacrificing the level of concern that should be raised - as if those disclaimers make it easier to bear. Saying it is easy any way you do it. It's deciding what you're going to do next that's the hard part.

This is going to sound very egotistical, but I feel that my whole life is a hard one, with many hard parts. I have come to realize that I have an aversion to doing things the easy way. I find myself thirsting for challenge all the time. On multiple levels of consciousness, I create the Hell I so mention in this blog's title, and proclaim it to be some sort of epic battle against the odds. But I don't believe in chances. My faith lies in the individual paving his own path to walk on, and any challenges that arrive in the near future are those reared from his very own actions in the recent past. Not long ago, a friend of mine told me that she notices from this blog that I always try to give everything in my life a logical cause - a reason for their happening or existence. She hit the nail right on the head with that comment. I need to rationalize. And the idea of fate or destiny just never seems very rational to me. I want to attribute everything that happens to me... to me.

And so whenever I'm faced with a problem nowadays, I like to think about what I can do about it. I draw from experiences in the past, I analyze their relevance to the present dilemma, and I make plans for the imminent future. I don't believe that the hands of fate exist and can help me. I have to take matters into my own hands. I know my livelihood isn't that hard, as long as I try not to think too much. While I tend to inflate the severity of my stress, I also tend to exaggerate my own ability to deal with such stress. I often forget who I really am and what I'm capable of. And I forget what matters to me because I'm thinking too hard and there's just too much going through my mind.

Who I am is very simple. As it has always said on every online profile I have, I am an 18-year-old, Filipino-Chinese student living in the UK, and originally from Hong Kong. I'm also a TV fanatic, an avid reader, a food zealot, an aspiring forensic anthropologist, an inborn outdoorsman, a learned bartender, an ambitious globetrekker, an internet addict, and a passionate Pokémon master. There's one thing not on the list, but I'll get to that soon. Despite all of that, though... I'm afraid there's one of those terms that just bears greater weight on who I really am and should be than all the rest.


--------------------------------------------------
And so here I must finally tell you what this 'bad news' is, how this is 'the beginning of the end', and how everything I've talked about so far comes together. Now, it really does bum me out to now tell you that for maybe as long as a year now, I disliked blogging a lot. I didn't want to. And the logical reason as to why I continued to blog in spite of that was to feel like I was trying to conquer some challenge, like I talked about earlier, and avoid the easy way out, which was to simply stop blogging. I mentally overstated my own capabilities and I ended up posting over a hundred posts, on four/five different blogs, that I was not proud of or happy with. It was a big mistake, my own mistake, reared by my actions in the recent past. While I went through this Hell I put myself in, I got lost, and I forgot who I really am.

But who I am is and has always been very simple. I'm just a university student - that is what I have been taught, been molded, and been working to be for my entire life. Along the way, I found 'additions' to my life, but the basic foundation is my student status. I don't consider myself a writer. I may write well, but that doesn't mean I feel... like being a writer. I have always known in my heart that truth, and nothing anybody says to me can change my mind about that. I'm just a guy who wants to talk about my life and meet some interesting people in the blogosphere along the way. I don't want publicity, I don't want money, I don't actually think of this as practicing writing, and I absolutely hate how crowded these sidebars have become.

I just want to be me. Being anything else... is the hard way, the hard part...

So, while I was sitting here considering what I should do before I started writing this post, I looked back at my experiences in the past, and observed that I tend to enjoy my life most when I'm given a fresh start. Having a clean slate invigorates me, gives me motivation that will sharply contrast the indifference I've had for so many months. I'm going to announce the end of this blog and Do you hate it too? sometime in mid-April. Then, sometime between April and July, I will start a brand new blog, with a brand new look, and a brand new focus on just me. No gimmicks, no funny business, just my honest thought and emotion painted on a clean canvas. I'll probably post once or twice before I announce that end in mid-April just to tease about the new blog and inform you of how you can be notified about it ASAP when I launch it.

But for now, I think we'll just leave the news-sharing at that. I'm sorry it took me a while to say something. And I'm sorry that this one and Do you hate it too? have to come to an end. I never envisioned it, but hey, maybe that little thing called 'fate' that I don't believe in will bring me to blog on them again. After reading this, I hope that you realize that for me, there really was no easy way to say this, and that I'm not just saying that without thinking about what those words mean. It truly, genuinely, seriously breaks my heart.  It's sad to have to think about saying goodbye to something that was a part of you for a long time.  But I guess it's just another white hair on the top of my head. Or another immobile, dormant white dwarf in the universe. Or maybe it's the first signs of white light at the end of a tunnel.

135 - Don't give up

If I could go back in time five years ago and meet myself and have a conversation with the thirteen-year-old me, I would tell him that there isn't anything he can't do if he tries hard enough. Only my parents, my closest friends and I know my deepest, most fundamental flaws, and one of the ones that keeps cropping up in my life is my willingness to give in to pressure, to the difficulties placed in front of me.

Someone once told me that it's way too easy to give up and do nothing. He told me that most people are born with either a need to always keep trying 'til they reach the top, or no such compulsion at all. Either they are goal-orientated, or they're happy-go-lucky.

I was born as one of the competitive ones who thirsted for success. It mattered to me who won at Monopoly games, and what grades I got in primary school, and who could be the most fun to be around and have the most friends at school.

But somewhere along the way, I know I gave up on myself. I started giving in to time constraints, not caring about the grades, or the attendance, and openly accepting punishment from my family and my teachers. I was kicked out of the house one time, I slept past school way too often, I thought to myself that the education system is a joke, I squandered my pocket money, and I became this self-absorbed, antisocial prick because being a friend to everybody was just too troublesome.

Because being well-behaved, and 'fighting' for greater and better things was just too difficult. It took up my time and energy, and that was the reason I gave myself permission to give in.

I can't do that anymore, I have to stop. All the best opportunities that have slipped through my fingers have slipped because I gave up. And five years from now, I don't want to talk about going back in time and telling my current 18-year-old self not to give up on something just because it's hard.

If I'm going through Hell, I have to keep going. I guess the point I'm trying to tell you (i.e., myself), if we're not seeing any purpose in doing something, it's possible that we're just not seeing it in the right way.

134 - Relief

For those of you who have stopped by to just find nothing here, I am so sorry to have abandoned you like that. It's been a busy week with an important essay due and a test to take, but all of that is behind me now, and I've had thirteen hours of sleep since all the craziness ended because I was utterly exhausted from all the work and reading I had to do. It is such a relief, and I should be rocking the blogging world for the remainder of March or so, on all four of my blogs, so you can look forward to that just as I am looking forward to writing them and reading your comments.

As I was saying, getting all of that university stuff out of the way is such a relief. There's a certain lovely feeling you get with relief, the relief of being able to eat after hours food-deprived, when you finally conclude your conclusion of your essay or report, as you're reaching the end of that final downhill rollercoaster ride, and when the buzzer goes off and you win the basketball game by just one point. Relief is that satisfying, calming feeling you get right after you find out that the sky isn't actually falling.

I find that one thing for me that distinguishes a good friend from a great number of acquaintances, or a loving family member from a large number of relatives, is the number of times they provide me with that feeling of relief. Everytime I feel like I'm about to breakdown and submit to the pressures in life, my parents, my family, and my best friends are there to not just tell me that everything's going to be okay, but also explain why and how it will be okay.

It's impossible to be one-hundred percent independent, co-dependency is crucial for anyone who wants to survive. Since the New Year, I've noticed that I have gradually become less reflective and less mindful of myself as I've become more and more entrenched into my studies and the things I have to do. It's mostly because I just have a lot of things to do, that's all. It's simply a matter of not having enough hours in the day to find time to sit back and relax.

Ah, but now I get to do just that for a couple of weeks.

Boy, what a relief it really is.

133 - Should you be an open book or a closed book?

You know how people always suffer from depression and trust issues because they feel that bottling everything up is the way to deal with their problems? They keep all their innermost feelings in the innermost layer of their heart and never express the frustration, hurt or grief they experience and just prefer to treat the parts of their life that matter to them a huge secret.

As of right now, I am one of those people - the reason being that I feel that if I were to depend on someone, I will get let down by unmet expectations, or I will develop an overreliance on people, which would eventually lead me to a state where I feel alone, betrayed, and failed. I believe now that keeping everything about myself to myself is individual and strong, and demonstrates independence, maturity and confidence.

The reason I am like this is because I was exactly the opposite when I was a few years younger. I used to be over-dramatic, and I would tell everybody about the shit that was going on in my life because I thought getting people's sympathy and having the courage to 'trust' people with information was an attractive character in a person.

I used to be like that. It wasn't even about telling people I trusted. I rambled on and on in front of anyone that would listen, hoping that by telling just the recounts of my unfortunate life incidents, I could get people to like me. I stopped doing this because I realized I was just distracting myself from the emotions by telling the story again and again, to the point where I wore off my inner pain from telling it too many times.

So should I trust anybody, or do I trust nobody? From both experiences, where neither worked well for me, I think the answer is you have to find a balance. I'm never any good at balance. I like to be ultimate good (even though I'm not), I aim to be the best at school (even though I'm not), and in my conversations with people, I'm either really talkative about my personal life, or I'm not in the slightest. I don't know what to do, because I hate balance. But extreme people have no place in this society. Should you be an open book or a closed book?

132 - Some foods simple, some foods complex

Anyone who knows me long enough will know that I love to eat. I don't just guzzle everything real quickly, either, or eat just anything at any hour of the day. I have a lot of rules when it comes to food. For example, I never let any sauce, milk, ice-cream or any other substance get left behind on the periphery of my mouth. It saves me from having to wipe it later, and my fellow diners from an unattractive sight.

One of the major eating principles I hold dear to my heart is the differentiation between foods that have to be simple, and foods that have to be more complicated. Take macaroni and cheese for example. The indulgent, mouth-watering cheesiness of the dish is a delight, while the pasta itself fills your stomach. The same works for cheese and biscuits, and cheesecake. There's no need for a side of ham next to your biscuits, or some raspberry coulis drizzled over it. The cheese speaks for itself.

Examples of other foods that stand well on their own:
 - sashimi and sushi (no wasabi or soy sauce),
 - the classic Coca-Cola,
 - vanilla ice-cream (no other flavor),
 - toast and butter,
 - french fries and ketchup,
 - chicken nuggets,
 - tomato soup,

On the other hand, there are other foods that are better the more complex they are. They deserve to have more flavors, more textures, more colors, more ingredients, all mixed together to make it work. Take a sandwich for example. I never order BLT, or tuna and mayonnaise. It's just a bit plain if you ask me. It has to be a club sandwich - with tomatoes, lettuce, egg, bacon, turkey, cheese, mustard, ham, ketchup, mayonnaise, cucumber and a third piece of bread in between the top and bottom slices. That's what a real sandwich is to me.

Examples of other foods that should shoot for the stars:
 - nachos covered in beef, salsa, guacamole, sour cream and melted cheese,
 - fruit salad with at least six different kinds of fruit,
 - steak, with peas, carrots, mashed potatoes and gravy,
 - hotdogs with ketchup, mustard, relish, maybe some mayonnaise, corn, cheese, cole slaw, sauerkraut, onion, lettuce, tomato and chili sauce,
 - a full English breakfast, with eggs, toast, butter, jam, bacon, baked beans, hash browns, fried bread, black pudding, mushrooms, potatoes, sausage, and tea,
 - and the Big Mac, with two beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions and three sesame seed buns.

What do you think? Do you agree that tomato soup need not be dressed up? Do you disagree and think that a tuna and mayonnaise sandwich is actually very nice?

131 - Alcohol, work and loud music go well together

So, I guess you could say I'm a little bit tipsy. Just had one margarita, but mind you, that stuff is around 30%. I mean, I didn't calculate it properly. 30% just came to the top of my head, it was a guess, an estimate. We don't need to actually calculate it. I mean, we could. Hey, let's calculate it.

According to Wikipedia according to the International Bartenders Association, the standard ratio of a margarita is 7:4:3 for tequilla:Triple Sec:lime juice. Now, I had a 400ml clear plastic cup, so using the same ratio I just mentioned, and converting them into percentages (50%:29%:21%), we can therefore know that we would require 200.0ml of tequilla and 116.0ml of Triple Sec (and therefore 84.0ml of lime juice, by the way). As tequilla is 40% alcohol, that means 80.0ml of alcohol came from the tequilla. That's simple arithmetic. Duh. And as for the Triple Sec, it's 30% alcohol, so 34.8ml of alcohol came from the Triple Sec. (I calculated this in my head by rounding up 116.0ml to 120.0ml so the figures were easier, giving me an alcohol volume of 36.0ml, then I subtracted 30% of the difference that I added [which was 4.0 milliliters], which turned out to be 1.2ml, giving me the final alcohol content in milliliters as 34.8ml.) So if there is 80.0ml and 34.8ml of alcohol, there are 114.8ml, and just doing a quick calculation of 114.8 divided by 400ml, that is roughly 115/400 ml, which is roughly 23/80, which just trust me, is around 0.2875. (If you really want to know how I did that in my head, I basically multiplied both numbers by 1.25, since 80 times 1.25 is 100. This essentially gave me 28.75 when I multipled 23, so all I had to do is move the decimal place back two digits and that was it.) I am now proud to announce that what I drank was 28.75% alcohol. My initial guess of 30% wasn't that far off, was it? Isn't that neat?

You see, alcohol makes my mind run faster, my understanding of everything around me lucid. My perception may be a little bit impaired. I'm sure I wouldn't be able to taste or smell anything if it was pressed up against my face. I can't really feel my legs, but maybe it's because they're crossed. And my arms feel tired, I have no idea why. The only thing that hasn't changed is my level of visual perception. My eyesight is never affected, it's 20/20 vision all the time. As for my hearing, I can't hear a damn thing other than my music. I sure hope there aren't zombie lurking behind me, moaning and roaring at me. I wouldn't be able to smell them or hear them. I also hope that the whole building situated behind me isn't burning in flames. I don't think I would be able to smell or feel that either.

Music is a funny thing. People always ask me what kind of music I like, and I tell them 'Mainstream' is my thing. But I don't think that's what it is. I think I like songs which I know the lyrics to. Maybe because all my favorite songs just happen to be mainstream, that is why I know the lyrics to everything in my iPod. It's easier to practice as it plays in clubs and shops and stuff.

The title of this post is 'Alcohol, work and loud music go well together', because I know that once I've had some to drink, and once I've placed my earphones in my ears and turned up the music to the maximum volume, I become extremely efficient when I work. Alcohol works as some sort of fuel for me. They always say that alcohol doesn't change who you are, it reveals who you are. And perhaps the sober me doesn't like to do anything, doesn't like to work, to be proactive, to be lively, to be talkative, to be ranty. The sober me feels the need to act quiet, repressed, submissive, doesn't want to take chances, risks, initiative, action or a hold of his life.

Maybe the sober me will read this after the hangover and learn something. Good luck, Mike, living the way you do. If your way of living doesn't work out for you, you could always invite me back to be your substitute.

130 - Deep thoughts

I enjoy deep thought a lot. The deeper the better. Thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking is like achieving a perfectly cooked steak. (Seriously, try it. Betcha can't get past the third 'thinking'.) As much as I would like to 'live in the moment' and just 'go with it', I find that lying in the subconscious are tons of wonderful things to stimulate the mind and really make you wonder about the purpose of all that's around you and the meaning that lies within your own existence. People always tell me I overthink things too much, but I have to disagree. I think having reasons for every aspect of what I do, what I feel, and what I believe, is important and useful because it gives me justification for my actions, it gives me direction and clarifies my goals, and it helps me improve myself when I focus on what I do wrong exactly.

Today is just a rambling, because my mind is quite tired at the moment from over six hours of this continual thought. I guess deep thought is only good for me in short amounts. Before I wrote these paragraphs, I wanted to talk about a great number of things, which I won't bore myself with now, but a rave is what I've decided to finally publish here, because I just cannot decide on one thing to talk about.

One thing that really saddens me is the fact that not many people out there are willing to get into a deep and meaningful conversation (a phenomenon my ex-classmates used to abbreviate to the term, 'DMC's'). Most people just like to stay with superficial chit-chat, which is not a bad thing at all in my opinion - just not my cup of tea. It doesn't sadden me because I think it's pathetic to discuss things that are shallower, it saddens me because I just don't know how to talk about things like that for prolonged periods of time, and it isolates me, and makes me different from others.

But I think that everybody needs to have DMC's every now and then, and it sort of compensates for my loneliness when people come to me to talk about serious things. I like being the one they can come to, and even rely on to sort out other people's problems. I may lose my usefulness once the conversation topic lightens up, but at least I did my part in bringing them past the thorny parts. And that's all I really want to say today. Goodnight.

129 - Top Ten things a guy's mother should never know

#10
What you really feel about violence, famine, death, disease, mental disorder, blood and gore.

#9
You don't actually brush your teeth, clean your ears, use any soap in the shower, use any shampoo in the shower, use the water in the shower, wash the family dishes properly, separate your raw from your cooked in the kitchen, wash your hands after every time you go to the bathroom, and/or wipe your ass every time after doing a poo.

#8
If you have a tattoo or piercing in 'special places' on your body.

#7
Whether you really go to school every single day.

#6
What causes that kind-of-like-weed smell in your bedroom.

#5
What you're doing in the bathroom that takes so long.

#4
Where all that money she gives you really goes.

#3
Whether you've lost your virginity yet, and if so, with who?

#2
Whether you've ever hidden a pregnancy or an STD from her.

And the #1 thing a guy's mom should never know:

If it looks exactly the same as your dad's.

128 - One in a million

Hello, fine peoples. As you know, yesterday was Valentine's Day, a day I don't at all celebrate. I would really love to, but I simply can't afford the effort, time or money to dress up all fancy-pants and bring a girl out for a dinner and a romcom and a nice stroll in the park. Honestly, that is my thing, but I can't do my thing because I'm not that bothered to do my thing. I always wonder about what love is exactly - who it will come in the form of.

I'm not talking about family members or friends, I'm talking about that hot, yet gooey stuff, the passionate lovin' and the holding hands, the heated arguments and the great amount of compromise that covers each and every decision you make, the public displays of affection and the private talks on the telephone late at night, the girlfriendness and the bitchness, the boyfriendness and the jerkness, the good and the bad, the phenomenon known as a relationship.

I'm not sure a lot of people will admit this with me, but in my lifetime, I have had mild to wild crushes on hundreds of people, ranging from celebrities to classmates at school, people I see on the streets and in line queuing for the bus, cartoon characters, friends, friends of friends, friends of family, people at work, people in restaurants and supermarkets, people who I sit next to on the train, people I meet on forums, even a blogger or two...

Now, that doesn't make me sound too good, but I mean, I'm willing to bet good money on the fact that all of you have or have had these crushes on people, and I'm counting the mildest, smallest forms of attraction here. It's in our human nature to bond together, so what's so shameful about admitting it, really? The difference that affects your life unlike other people's is how willing you are to take the extra step to pursue these attractions. I know people who prefer to be alone, people who don't like being alone but are too shy, people who are fine being in a monogamous relationship, people in couples who don't wish to be, some who even venture to have two or more partners at the same time...

Recently, I've come to the conclusion that I may have found somebody I want to take that extra step with. For five or six years now, I've been pushing that idea away, and I haven't really wanted to be with anyone deep in my heart for that long. It's very rare for me. I guess I have trust issues, and issues with not judging people - but I've come to really trust and appreciate this person in particular... I think she's perfect for me. So, here's my opportunity to take that extra step, that chance.

Why not?

Gain tae Scootlund!

Awrite wee jimmies an' burds. Aam gonnae Auld Reekie ower th' weekend an' willnae be back until monanday. See ye 'en!

127 - Grades actually matter to me. Huh.

So, today, I got five essays back. They averaged pretty well, but as you can tell by me not divulging the exact details, they weren't stellar either. For some reason, I generally believe that I'm chilled about school and grades and that stuff, but when it comes time to actually take a look at what marks I received, it genuinely elates me when I achieve well, and when authoritative figures compliment me, and it truly upsets me when I see a grade that's lower than I expected, and an evaluation that dresses down my effort and the quality of my work.

My best friend and I always say that these things don't matter to us, but from my perspective (don't know about him), I know I'm sort of in denial. I really would like to appreciate the finer things in life... generosity of spirit, the beauty of nature, the love that stems from family, the sacred bond of friendship, the splendor of the great, wide world...

But cash in my pocket, numbers and letters on a sheet of paper, and loud, techno music playing in clubs full of drunken girls and preying old men, actually evoke feelings within me. I care about these things, even though I know it's not that 'spiritually'... 'up there'.

Oh, well. I guess I'm superficial.

126 - Stressed

I'm really stressed and I don't know why. I mean, I know why, but I don't know why I give myself that stress. Now, I feel burned out emotionally and physically.

In two days, my mother is coming from Hong Kong to visit me here in the UK. We're planning to head up to Edinburgh for a couple of days, and booking tickets and accommodation for us has been mentally taxing. In the past few days, I've been trying to research and brainstorm all the things we could do in Scotland and in Kent, and I'm just very, very tired now. You would think that her going to visit one of her old students in Exeter for two days would help lessen the burden, but I actually have a test the day after she comes back. My break-from-Mom gone, just like that. In the next month, I'm also planning to meet up with two of my closest friends, three times, separately, in London. I have two essays due and a lot of computer stuff to do too. I've also had to search for accommodation for next year, and it's been a complete nightmare so far...

I actually have plans to open up another blog... on the 15th of February in fact. On top of getting that ready, I also have to prepare posts on this blog and Do you hate it too? for each day that I'm with my mother, from the 10th to the 20th. It's all just snowballed, and it's all really, really, really working me hard, but I just have to power through it, I guess.

There are two times during the year that have notoriously been very busy times for me. One is around February/March, the other is around May/June. Every year during these times, I'm so, so stressed out and I just cannot feel relaxed. In the past, there have been plays to perform, examinations to take, orals to do, 4,000-word essays to hand in, presentations, reports, and so many birthdays and anniversaries to attend...

I'm so tired. These two times of the year I always see coming my way, but I never have any defense set up to protect myself from it. This year, it's going to change - it has to change. I need to quickly pick up my efficiency so that I can deal with things faster and more effectively, hence prevent stressing myself out during these times again.

And now, I'm a little bit hungry.

Okay, actually, I'm very hungry. So I'm going to go make some pasta. Toodles.

125 - Subconscious forward-thinking

I'm sure at some point in your life, on your return home, you've stashed away some candy that you bought at the convenience store, so that you could then take it out again later to snack on it at around midnight, when you're going to be pulling an all-nighter, finishing that History essay for school due tomorrow, or analyzing this quarter's statistics for the business briefing with the bosses the next day. We do these sorts of things all the time, just to treat ourselves to some good stuff later. We place our shoes neatly somewhere near the front entrance of your room, or your house, for easier access the next day. We buy ourselves an entire bottle of vodka, or a six-can pack of Coca Cola, even though we're not going to drink it all at once, but because we are saving up for the future. If you have a slow internet connection, you may pause the Youtube video, or whatever video, before it even begins playing, because then you can play it all at one go in a few minutes without having to wait for it to buffer.

I do this most of all with my money, and my snacks. There must have been at least fifty times in the past four years, when I've exited the school premises, and on my way home, noticed that I had a lollipop or a Mars Bar in my bag or in my jacket pocket that I forgot I even purchased at least a day ago. And I would often hide my money in between the pages of books, and then I would forget about it until I found it again, long after the day I hid it in the first place.

And everytime I found one of these nice surprises, I look up at the sky, for that is where destiny/fate/the past is to me, and I say to myself, Well done, Michael...

Because in some weird subconscious way, I was treating myself for the future without even knowing it.

Today, I was tidying my room here at university because I wanted it to look neat for when my mother comes to visit me next week. Inside one of my drawers, I unexpectedly found £10. I was so happy, 'cause I had actually come to believe I was broke. For almost seven weeks, I had almost nothing in my bank account, and nothing but a bowl of copper coins in cash. And I somewhat believe that a few months ago, I had hidden that £10 purposefully for a day like this - where I was on the verge of starvation, in desperate need for some seed money for my mini-welcome party for my mother... and low and behold, I got it.

It's been nearly five months since I last saw my mother, and after she leaves, it'll be close to another five months 'til I see her again. Since I've come to the UK from Hong Kong, I've forced myself not to think about things like missing my parents or missing my best friend, because I know it's not healthy to yearn. I never had to will myself not to think about these things, though... it wasn't a challenge. It just happened naturally, subconsciously, and I think, again, these things that happen in the subconscious are my mind's attempt at treating me well in the long run, a form of forward-thinking, you might say.