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Recently, I came to talking with someone about the way I was brought up and how that made me the person I am today. My mother's main desire with me was for me to always broaden my horizons. She would always take me to see all the movies, to all the different restaurants to try different cuisines, to the bookstore so that I could find books to read and learn from. And we also have shared a lot of vacation time together. We've probably been on holiday together around thirty times now, and we're in the midst of planning a trip to Scotland next February.
Often, I find that my conversations with her are always too serious. They always concern family, safety, time management, health, and the two biggest topics of all - money, and my future. And this is why it was good for us to go on holiday, or to go to the movies. It would give us the opportunity to spend time together, but there was distraction to keep our minds occupied, and ultimately, to help us avoid an overly serious mother-son relationship.
My dad on the other hand, he was always about teaching me to enjoy my life. Although he works a very serious job as a private investigator, engaging with the police and the big CEOs and the triads of Hong Kong, he still managed to teach me how to deal with a dichotomous reality where life can be complex and toilsome at times, but also calm, laid-back and enjoyable during other times.
To enjoy life didn't mean going out to bars, drinking and partying - that wasn't the only part of it, or even a major part of it. He knew how to find fun and beauty in doing simple things like playing chess, going out bike-riding, and playing catch with a baseball on the beach. Even though the modern world, with all its technology and education, is a major part in our societal advancement today, a simple pork chop, barbecued over a lit fire-pit in the backyard with some honey glazed on top, could be so much more marvelous compared to pretentious braising, caramelizing or sautéing.
And I find myself really blessed to have parents like these. They might not teach their children, me, the way the other may want to, but I think I've come to take all the good life-lessons they both had to offer. And I appreciate the fact that although going out drinking, or enjoying the great outdoors may not be my mother's cup of tea, she still likes the fact that I'm going out there, learning things about people, broadening my horizons in that sense. And with my dad, although education, books and traveling may not be what he's all about, he sees that I enjoy it, that I'm enjoying my life - which makes him proud, makes both of my parents proud.
They are divorced, but that isn't a concern for any of the three of us any longer - just a fact, just something that happened in the past. They may not agree on certain things - but they've both reinforced the same ideas in my head, collectively guiding me to be a person that appreciates my family on both sides, to stand up for myself when I feel I'm being wronged, to not be afraid of the world and the difficulties it brings, to be sincere, and honest, and kind to people generally, and to have a strong will if I want to do something passionately.
And finally, I'll end this here, with the two things they constantly remind me to keep in mind the most. It's almost annoying how many times it comes up in conversation. The first rule is to always use protection. They don't want me catching HIV, which I guess is reasonable. The second rule, of course, is to never, ever, ever, ever - get married.
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha...
I'm not going to lie - I miss home. I miss the food especially, the clubbing district, and doing something everyday with my friends or either one of my parents. It seems that everybody I know is going to go back to Hong Kong this winter holiday, leave their university lives in Canada, the US and the UK, and go back to my home city for Christmas and New Year's break.
My return flight to Hong Kong is scheduled for July 10th, and although that is a long while away from today, I look at it in the following way.
The anticipation of my return had been building up, and will continue building up, and the longer I'm away from home, the more excited I get to actually go back, I look forward to going home, but I'm not moaning about it, asking God why it's not happening sooner. I know the truth is that I'm staying here, I've accepted it, I'm not letting it bother me, and I'm looking at it in a positive way.
I've discovered that I've grown up a lot since four or five years ago. I like the way in which I approach relationships, schoolwork, life, the social scene, and tough decisions when they arise. In a way, I'm not troubled by anything, I'm not worried and I'm confident in the way I handle things. I don't need reassurance from others, I don't need to depend on anyone else to keep me elevated. I elevate myself to a psychological, emotional state that is comfortable, complacent, and content.
Feels good, like nobody can touch me. Hah.
I like this blog-everyday thing. I feel coerced, but I like it. I have had a few troubled thoughts today, and normally, I would take the time to reflect on it into the late hours of the night, but since I've told myself and you that I'm going to blog everyday, I am going to say something here and now. I feel like it's almost supposed to happen, and if not, I would be denying something. It feels right to blog about this, even though I usually wouldn't have. Here it goes:
There was a time in my life when I was having a fruity alcoholic beverage, while also eating spaghetti at a poolside bar. I had a book on biological anthropology next to me, but it could have easily been a crime novel, a factual book on Peruvian history, or something in the horror genre. The beach was about a minute's walk away, and the sun was beaming down on everything, from the bright red and white striped umbrellas, through the great expanse of water that formed the pool, to the couples kissing, the kids laughing, and the teenagers playing catch with a large, inflated beach ball, inside it. Thanks to said sunlit marvelousness, I was wearing sunglasses and Hawaiian-style shorts. It was pretty much paradise to me - and since that resort was aiming for that - I felt that the money I spent to go there was well worth it.
After I came back from that tropical island, I arrived back in my room in the apartment I lived in with my grandparents in Hong Kong, right in the middle of the city center, and I felt extremely heartbroken. The reason was because I was missing something, and only until today did I realize that that was taken from my heart was the warm sun, the gorgeous beach, and the relaxedness I experienced sitting by the pool with a drink in one hand, a book in the other, and delicious food laid out on a plate in front of me, with all the gorgeous sand, sea and sun nearby.
I have had an epiphany, and that is this: I want that for the rest of my life. That was my true happiness right there, and no amount of education, television, writing, clubbing, or any of the other things I've obsessed myself with in my whole life, will ever achieve that.
I want booze, books and beaches forever, and in thus realizing that, I need to do some serious thinking about what my next steps will be in achieving that, because obviously, that sort of life has to be earned.
I just find it's such a shame that the choices of made so far have led me down paths that I didn't want to go down. Getting rich and accomplished is good but it's materialistic. I want happiness from within, and that's it.
I will talk about this some more tomorrow. But for now, I think I feel better from releasing what was in my head. Until tomorrow, then, I suppose. Hooray for epiphanies. :)
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