120 - Why I solve my own problems

Throughout the course of my life, I have gradually gravitated towards an independent, individualistic way of life. I stand on my own two feet and face the world alone, most of the time, on my own accord. I don't ask for help, I refuse to admit I need help, even in the most drastic of conditions. If a problem is presented in front of me, you can be sure that I will try any and every possible way in my physical and mental capacity to solve that dilemma. If the issue persists, but I have the time to, I will venture to learn the skills, whether they be technical or cognitive, to do so on my own.

I hate to admit defeat. I am a competitive person. I want to reach the top.

And I don't ever want to ask for people to support me on my way. It would take away from my personal glory, my own accomplishments in life.

However, people like my mother and a few good buddies of mine have helped me throughout my entire life. They've stuck by me through thick and thin, in both times when I was very sure of who I was, and times when I was lost and confused. At this stage in my life, they only know all too well to simply wait for me to ask them for help if I need it. I manage to find trust in them somewhere inside me because they've proven for years that they can help me. I ask them because I'm not afraid of being disappointed by them. They live up to their roles as my closest family and friends.

At university, let's just say that there are a group of people that I have been trying to work with for the past four months to bring together something really fun, really educational, and really good. I put my heart and soul into this little project, and on my return to university from my winter holidays, I was extremely, extremely disappointed to find out that the other people in this group just didn't want to do it anymore. They gave up. And they don't give a rat's ass about what I feel.

And that is exactly why it is so hard for me to trust and depend on people I've just met. I cannot tell you how many times I've been disappointed by the people around me. Too often in my life, different people have done things to demonstrate how they are just so flawed and unworthy of my trust. I wish people kept the same personalities throughout your entire time of knowing them. But the real world makes it work differently. Friends become enemies, and enemies become friends. A social life filled with good friendships is a slippery slope on the summit of a mountain, and although reaching the highest point on that mountaintop gives you a great sense of pride, the natural inclination is to go downwards, because hiking up to the peak requires too much hard work.

One of these days, I'm going to stop giving new people I meet a chance. One of these days, I won't trust anyone new ever to help me with certain matters,  because I feel like nobody can get things done right besides me. I'll ponder this a bit more - and I'm sure I'll come to some conclusion as to why I should give people chances.

But for now, for just these next few minutes, I want to be mad - mad at the people who let me down, mad at the inconsiderate, self-indulgent, power-hungry people that don't even care. It's not fair. It's not right.

109 - On judging criminal acts

Have you ever done anything, or wanted to do anything, that you know will not be look at lightly by others, because you know it's ethically controversial area you're treading on? I'm thinking of things that stir up a whirlwind of emotion inside you, as the thrill of trying not to get caught compels you to do it, to continue to do it, things that are immoral and wrong, yet you deem to be necessary for your well-being, or maybe perhaps even your survival? There's also the tinge of fear that comes with being judged by the people who know you, from maybe having to face disappointed loved ones if they ever found out, from having to face the isolation people may subject you to, if you were ever going to get caught.

Four years ago, I was expelled from my first secondary school for stealing money. I'm not going to get into the details of such pilferage, but let's just say that I deserved to get kicked out.

At the time, I thought I had to steal, and I truly believed that there was no other way for me to enjoy life if I did not steal. Of course I bloody Hell knew it was wrong to do so, but I did it anyway because I felt I needed to. I'm not going to sugarcoat it - I was greedy, I was selfish, and I didn't care what my close ones thought of me - I did it. And if I could go back and make that decision again, I would, with a hundred-percent certainty, steal again.

I tend not to judge people who are caught for committing crimes, in terms of these actions that are often so clear-cut immoral in the eyes of society. I don't like looking at things that way, I dislike looking at things from the majority's perspective. I guess I have an irrational fear of being normal. (I tried to look up the technical phobic term for fear of conformity, but sadly couldn't find one. They should invent a term for it.)

Anyway, if everybody thinks someone is acting crazy, I try to help said maniac and listen to what their problems are. If everyone hates this guy for being a total idiot, I will go and talk to him, and tell him that he needs to change his ways. And if I found out somebody got expelled - I wouldn't blame him. Everybody has their reasons to do things, and every situation can be looked at differently. Why judge him? How does that help? What if you were put in that situation? Would you want to be abandoned? Would you want to be judged?

108 - On couples

By the way, I've decided to change all the titles of my blog posts here to begin with "On ________". Oftentimes, I'm not quite sure what to call my entries, and I feel that with this new style of appellation, this new idiosyncrasy, it will help me in the art of naming my blog posts.

Today, I want to talk about couples, and not being in a couple, but being around them. Recently, I've become friends with a couple, and I really like how I can just mosey into the girl's room and watch a movie with the two of them. I like having breakfast with them every morning, and just hanging out with them if I don't want to stay in my room by myself.

I like being friends with both individuals of a couple, and over the years, this has often happened. It's nice to hang out with them as friends, to see their sweetness that they probably wouldn't display in front of others, to see how they feed off of each other's humor, their compatibility that you wouldn't have known had you not seen it working in front of your eyes, their synchronicity, their unity, is admirable, and pleasant to observe.

Obviously, I'm not allowed to hang around when they're gettin' busy, or when they're sharing intimate, personal information with one another. But to their command, I walk out of that room without feeling expelled, without feeling banished - it's okay, because I know it's between them. Just like I would expect them to feel if I was with someone.

105 - On experience and actions

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Obviously, I hate it just as much as everyone else when people quarrel with each other, but then again, I also love listening to people argue because it is only then do you really see what people are thinking, what people want, and what people are truly like inside.

Often in these altercations, I have found that people sometimes use their backbone of experience as justification for why their point of view is right. They say they have demonstrated in the past that they have a moral code, maturity, the capability of understanding others, so on and so forth, and so we must conclude that their perspective is the one and only 'right' way of looking at what led to the argument.

"I'm always polite to everyone, so I don't see why I can't be rude just this once with you."  "I've met dozens of other people like you, and I've never had a problem with them."  "I have been through this before, and I think your behavior was fairly out of line."

At the end of the day, who really cares what you've done, or even what you do, so long as you smile and be kind to the people around you. If you upset somebody, apologize and let's all move on. How can you use the past as a premise to conclude you're right?

In the end, your actions speak louder than words, your actions demonstrate the kind of person you are, your actions form the reality of this particular experience you're experiencing right here, right now, so don't go claiming you're correct in the way you think because of the goodness you've shown in the past, when people are obviously upset by what you chose to do in the present moment, and frankly, it's just too damn bad that the kind of person you are, with all that experience behind you, would resort to making some poor decisions like that now.

90 - A chance at love

University is a whole mess of food, drugs, music, sex, relationships, friends and strangers, laughter and tears, kissing and drinking, dancing and groping, randomness, and a little four-letter word, namely Love. It happens rapidly, it happens to just about anyone, it happens everywhere we go, especially in university where all of us have left our homes and our respective high schools, to have a great time, to take hold of the responsibility of taking care of ourselves, and to find what makes us happy - whether it's in terms of our academic interests, the clubs and activities we have a desire to participate in, the careers we have dreamed of all our lives and finally are able to pursue, and of course, the chance to discover like-minded people in an environment that's specifically designed and used for an integrated timetable of education, employment and entertainment, together amongst a diverse deluge of young, passionate, and fun-loving people, from around the world.

Finding like-minded people can be an intricate process for a lot of people. Some people have no problem falling into the arms of another upon meeting them, the fantasy story of love at first sight compels them to simply let loose, float about, and allow the tide of love and life to wash them away wherever the current may bring them.

But for me, it is something of difficulty. It takes a lot of time for me to learn to trust someone. It takes some time for me to get used to people before I can begin to like them. I haven't found someone here after two weeks, but it seems like almost everybody else has paired up already, leaving me the sole soldier on the peripheries of the social circles. I know this is because I am simply not daring enough to take the initiative, to ask people for their names, numbers and perhaps a bit of background.

I wonder all the time, why this has always been the case - why I am not interested in others at first, and I've realized that it is because I like getting the attention first. It makes me self-centered, an attention-seeking kind of guy, and it sort of sucks because I'll never find anyone to be with as long as I retain this problematic attitude.

But I want to be given a chance to be in a relationship with somebody. It has been so long since I have been, and I wonder if it has changed. I love the feeling of devotion, and the pride in being somebody's #1, in being loyal, in being one of a pair, in being ______ and Michael together.

I hate seeing everybody getting Facebook-married, I hate seeing them hold hands, I hate hearing them have sex at night, I hate feeling intrusive and out of place when I'm in the company of a couple.

It's going to take some time for me to readjust my position in social interactions, but I've got to make myself a more approachable and gutsy man before I can be deemed dateable. I've got to stop being so self-involved, if I ever am going to get that chance of experiencing falling in love with someone successfully again.

81 - My first job.

Today, I tried bartending at a local restaurant/bar. It was actually quite awesome, and there's still a lot I have to learn. If I continue to work hard, though, I earn 7000 Hong Kong dollars a month. That's roughly 583 pounds, or 903 American dollars, per month. Pretty damn good for a first job, eh?

I learned how to hold the glasses, how to wash the glasses, how to make distinctions between the different glasses, how to polish the glasses, how to dry the glasses, how to shelve the glasses and how to position the glasses, how to pour beer properly to get the right amount of head, what to do when you accidentally have too much or too little foam, where the extra beer kegs are kept, and how to change them, how to garnish a Coke, or a cranberry juice, or a fruit punch, how to make a proper iced lemon tea, how to clean the bar, etc...

I was lucky in how I got the job. I was just going from bar to club, from pub to restaurant, asking each manager if there were any summer jobs available. I stumbled into one yesterday, after entering over fifty other places, and the manager at this one let me try out today.

It was actually a lot of fun, a lot more fun than I expected. I thought I would spill something on a customer, or break a glass, but nothing of the like happened. It was actually sort of abnormal, how perfect the five hours went by today. I am totally going to work my butt off to keep this job and be a good bartender.

Bartending is something I've always wanted to do. I just turned 18 (the legal age to enter an alcohol-serving facility in Hong Kong), so this fact in itself is, again, just too perfect. This also means that finding a part-time bartending job in the UK will be easier this fall, now that I'll have the ongoing experience behind me.

As I'm counting down slowly 'til the end of my summer, with this job, and my mother, and my father, and my close friends, I have everything I need before I head to uni. Life is damn good.

(Oh, and I'm going to Singapore from Thursday to Monday. My mom wants to see an Air Supply concert real badly.)

72 - Taking a break.

Exams are coming up and I need to study hard, with as few distractions as possible. Of course, these diversions aren't limited to blogging, but by taking a break from blogger, I know it'll contribute a little to my focusing on my revision.

I feel quite confident about what I will do in the next month. I'm never one that worries too much about that sort of thing.

The only thing that will really distract me is thinking about my relationships with people. All I've got to do is keep that to a minimum, push those thoughts aside until high school really is over.

I can't wait to leave Hong Kong, but to be honest, I want these last few months to drag out for as long as possible. I am really going to miss the food, and the beaches here, but most important of all, the people.

This is exactly the kind of thing that will distract me for hours.

So, I'm going to end this post here, shut down my computer, take out my maths book, and revise.

I'll be back for a little while everyday, but only for a little while. See you on May 19th or 20th and pray that I get what I deserve. (Don't wish me luck. When the examination paper asks me to explain Faraday's law of induction, I don't want to rely on luck, because I'm not that lucky.)

Bye, friends. Talk to you next time.

One of those people: Amanda

I want to start a new segment on this blog dedicated to some of the people that I have met in my life, because I feel like I've really met a lot of different ones, and they have influenced my life in some way. Haven't you ever suddenly thought about someone in your past that you no longer see or talk to?

Well, I want to showcase some of these people, and they may or may not be that interesting to you, but let's see.

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Amanda was the first person I've ever had feelings for.

I was five years old at the time, and I first laid my eyes on her on the morning of Monday, 2nd September, 1996, my first day of primary school. She was Filipino or Spanish or from the Carribbean, I don't know which, but that was the vibe I got from her at such a young age. She had the same haircut as the woman on the right, but didn't actually look anything like Catherine Zeta-Jones.

She was cute as a button, with big, brown, bright eyes. Her nose was small, cheeks big, just cute in general. Cute, cute, cute.

I don't know her surname. But the thing I liked about her was that she was smart. You see, I was quite an inquisitive kid at the time and the only books I read were non-fiction, and I read about space, and the human body, animals and dinosaurs, history and geography, even a little science.

There was one time when our teacher sat us all down in a circle, and I sat down next to Amanda. Our teacher asked us to share with the class one thing we did in the weekend, but we could only speak if we were holding a little purple elephant in our hands.

I knew it wasn't actually an elephant. When our teacher was introducing this purple 'elephant' to us, I watched as Amanda immediately raised her hand, and said, "that's a woolly mammoth, Miss Harrison, not an elephant". Our teacher responded with, "well, let's just pretend this is an elephant for a while, okay, Amanda?", and Amanda nodded obediently at this.

I knew it wasn't an elephant, too. I knew it from all the dinosaur books I read. And I loved that Amanda and I were both clever, and I liked her. I liked her because she knew it wasn't an elephant. I liked her because she was cute. And anyways, 'Amanda' is such a lovely name.

When my first year of primary school ended, I never saw her again.

But I hope she's doing good out there in the world, whether she's still cute or clever or not. I probably wouldn't be able to recognize her if she passed me on the street... twelve years can change a person's appearance quite a bit, especially when you go from being a child to a teenager.

But ah, well, life is funny like that. People come in, then they leave you sometimes.

In retrospect, to be accurate, it was actually a purple mastodon.

30 - It all ends here and now.

I'm back from my vacation in China and I've done the whole countdown thing. It's twelve hours into 2009 and it doesn't feel much different.

I was going to write a post yesterday night in the early hours of New Year's Day. I was inebriated from the party. I know my thoughts are clearer when I'm drunk. When I say this, I mean my inner feelings, and what I want deep inside seems more evident when I've had some alcohol. Whether I would have been able to describe those inner emotions in words is another matter, but nonetheless, yesterday night, in my head, everything was so clear, everything filed in neat compartments in my mind. That's the kind of thing I see when I'm drunk. I see everything organized, structured and less confused. I hate messes. I hate eating spaghetti for this reason. I like lasagna. The layers. The procedure in making it is so methodical. And now I'm hungry.

But before I digress any further, or go out for lunch, I want to write about last night.

New Year's Eve is interesting, to say the least. Everything's awkward at first as people arrive, as people scan the room quickly to see who made it, as people greet each other politely and observe how formal everyone else has dressed. People stare at the stranger friend if there is one. People inquire about the liquor available for the rest of the evening. They laugh if the class clown makes a joke - whether it's funny or otherwise. They ask each other how their Christmas went. They want to watch a movie, they want to play the Wii, they want to listen to music, anything to escape the first few minutes where everything is awkward, where everything isn't celebratory yet. But one thing is for sure, we know we are all meant to be happy. It isn't the time to be angry or miserable because it's New Year's Eve, goddamnit! We want to meet 2009 with smiles on our faces, with laughter in the air, with warmth kindled by each of our friendships and our collective class spirit.

Although it's awkward at first, we then all sort of melt into it. The caps come off the drinks, the movie's on and people no longer talk about how their Christmas went because that's in the past. 2009 is approaching and so we talk about the future. Our new year resolutions and where we all plan to go for university.

On New Year's Eve, everything is in this weird transitory Limbo where the present time doesn't really matter. We only concern ourselves with the 365 days we call "two-oh-oh-eight" and the 365 days we call "two-oh-oh-nine". We don't care about the 'now' on New Year's Eve. That's why we drink. That's why we smoke. That's why a guy would wear a girl's jacket, and why a girl can wear two-inch heels. That's why we scream off rooftops. That's why we hug whoever is there, or accept a hug from whoever offers it. That's why the dancers stretch their muscles in their tight jeans. That's why the guys give each other piggyback rides. That's why we all make stupid faces in photos. That's why we just don't care. We don't care that we're alone, angry, let down, rejected, out of place, insignificant or heartbroken because it's the New Year, damn it. Nothing matters because it's time for a change. Because we all have had our setbacks, our pitfalls, our mistakes, our tears and our troubles in 2008. It all changes after we count down to zero. It all ends here and now.

But then comes the real test. After the countdown. What do you do? Be sad that it's over? Be thoughtful and apathetic? Be happy and hopeful? Because that's what we all have to face. You can be the guy who leaves the party with a frown. You see everything wrong with your life on a dirty platter in front of you and you sigh, you cry and you feel the same as you did the miserable night before. You can also be the guy that leaves the party with your composure, a neutral view toward the party and a lot of thought. Emotions aren't there, it's just reason. You just like to reflect. If those two aren't for you, you can be the guy that leaves joyous with faith, who looks at the new year as a golden opportunity where dreams and goals can be achieved, where love can be felt and bliss can surround you.

Who do I want to be this year, or on New Year's Day? That's what you have to ask yourself after the countdown.

For me, it was strange. At first, I was sad that it was over. Then I was thoughtful and apathetic. I went to bed and woke up happy and hopeful. I feel like Dante in The Divine Comedy, going from Hell, through Purgatory and on to Heaven. I confess: I did leave the party crying. I missed the friends that weren't there, and when I left, it hurt to leave the friends that were there. But I left because it hurt to remain there as well. It hurt because I felt alone, even in a crowd. I felt out of place, like I should have been somewhere else. Like nobody wanted me there.

I left the party crying. So what? I called a friend. She brought me to Purgatory, where sadness slowly turned to a hopeful outlook on things. It allowed me to wake up feeling like this. Not happy necessarily, but content, restive and peaceful. Things have changed and I won't live like I did last year. That all ends here and now. (It's cool that I get to say 'last year' for the first time.)

I have been saying that for two weeks now. It all ends here and now. What exactly does that mean?

Well, I've made my resolutions, and I'm going to try my best to stick to them. 2008 was tiring.

Very tiring. And I think my resolutions will allow me to get some rest.

You see, people have told me that I am too negative, pessimistic, cynical and/or misanthropic and this has led to my exhaustion. I have to disagree. As I said in my introduction on Do you hate it too?, I like to think of myself as critical and observant. That is all.

Because I can also see beauty. I can experience joy, especially with the people I love. But I'm sorry, I like to fix things. I like to solve problems and only by identifying the flaws around me, I can then find answers to difficult questions. I will always be critical of others, judgmental and a keen observer. That will never change. But it was putting my emotions into my criticism that drove me to exhaustion. Not just negative emotions, but positive ones as well have led to my downfall. Seeing too much beauty in other people made me lust, yearn and care for people 'til my time and energy was wasted, until other people got sick of it. And seeing too many flaws in other people made me unappreciative, selfish, mean and disdainful. Controlling these emotions and my own personality is something I need to learn to make myself a better life.

I've been through Hell. Now, I'll keep on going. It's the foundation of this blog. It's my philosophy (and Winston Churchill's, of course). I want to live happier. I'll readjust myself to make that happen. Hell (Hell, I tell you!) ends here and ends now!