Dear Dad,
You don't know me very well but if there's one thing you should know, it's that I have a tendency to deny that I'm a young talented writer, one with the natural gift for finding the right words to say at the right time but this... this is undoubtedly one of the hardest things I've ever had to write.
If you're reading this, it probably means that I worked up the courage to link you to this blog or send this to you in the form of a written letter. It could also mean that you've used your 'brilliant' skills of private investigation to dig up this particular aspect of your big boy's life, which, in turn, would mean you've become slightly more obsessive since I last spoke to you five months ago. Either way, you're reading this, so good for me, and good for you, for I hold a strong belief in the sanctity of honesty between family members. Everybody deserves truth.
I get the feeling that you've been served truth throughout the seventeen years that I've known you. You don't handle it very well. I look at your alcoholism, your addiction to the cigarettes, your money problems and your concupiscent engagement with prostitutes in God Knows Where and I have listened to you explain to me time and time again why you're not an asshole. I don't mind any of those bad habits. I don't mind at all. I don't even mind your two divorces and I don't mind your negligence toward your three other children.
But the thing I just can't help but take issue with is how you treat me and how you see me. You know, you have tried to teach me how to be a man and often I feel like I have failed you. I feel useless in your eyes because you seem to think that I don't know what life is about, that I am naive and I don't know how to life a successful happy life. I have to ask, who are you to judge me? What have you ever truly wanted and desired in your life besides a good fuck? I know you remember the night where you cried to me about your failures in life and you asking me not to be another failure in the Rivera family. Don't you know your son tries so hard to be better? Don't you know he tries so hard to grow up beyond his years?
I have very few friends because of you. I'm always serious and I never know how to take things lightly. I'm not a child. That's all because of you but I'm fine with it. You don't seem to be fine with yourself after your forty-five years of experience and you don't have the right, not even the parental right, to judge me and think that I'm not living my life in the 'right' or 'wrong' way.
There's no easy way to say this so I'll just say it. I hate you and I don't have the slightest iota of love in my heart that belongs to you. I was an accident. I was a mistake. Even though you and Mom both regarded me as some sort of a perfect storm, she was the one that has always treated me like I was. Perhaps it comes with her job of being a teacher but either way, I know you would agree that she's been a great mother to me, one full of devotion and care and one that always carried the ability to accept me, be my friend and teach me how to find love in this world but what have you ever given me - besides the booze, the money and the time of day where nobody else wanted to be with you?
You know you had me and my mother back in the day. You know you had your second wife and your three children before you got divorced the second time. This isn't about when she cheated on you. I'm talking about your cheating on her and your lack of effort to keep a marriage together when you first got married. It wasn't the children that screwed you over. It wasn't your wives that screwed you over either. Blaming your failures on anything other than yourself is such a sore loser thing to do. It was you.
You are the part of me that makes me think I am unfit to be a father. You are the one that's passed on your anger and arrogance to me. I used to think that I was stubborn just like you but the truth is that I am capable of change and have done so. You are the one that's always been stubborn. You are the one that nobody wants to forgive because it's futile. I'm very happy with who I am. You are the one that will always be the way you are and I don't know if you're happy with it but because of who you are, that's it.
I'm leaving you behind.
Michael.
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12 comments:
Hey dude,
So i know i'm not your dad but i happened to have read your blog. I thought it was insane how our dads are alike, and i just wanted to say that you are not alone. You must have some courage to write that because i don't know how many times i have written a letter to my dad and never sent it. It was very inspiring
Michael, you learn things in life from many sources, I learned from my father not to be like him. He was a workaholic, never at home with two jobs, he never showed an ounce of affection for me and my brother and sister, not even a hug at bed time.
Still today with having had 11 kids in my family at various times, I stop and ask myself; Have I hugged all the kids today? If I haven't I do.
I hope that my kids see me in a different light than I saw my father.
Life is a learning curve, take all that is offered and offer it back.
AV
I was much more fortunate than you, Michael. My father was faithful to my mother, devoted to her. He was sober (incredibly so in all senses of the word). His only fault was his inability to communicate and relate to his three children. I never got to know him until the last few years of his life. I learned to appreciate him as I raised my own son. Because my father never showed me any emotion, I made sure I let my son fell my love for him. Because my father didn't play catch with me, chat with me, take me to baseball or football games, I did all these with my son. I spent time with him, something my father did not know how to do with me. We learn, Michael, from the mistakes of our parents as well as from their successes.
You are taking control of your life and realizing you can be the man you want to be. You are a good writer, maybe on the cusp of becoming great. And you have a great future.
Hi Michael,
Writing this letter was a very brave and cathartic thing to do. I wrote a letter like this to my father as well, although i never sent it. I was never really shown much affection by my father either and it still hurts sometimes, but in the past year or so, I've chosen to accept him for who he is and to not judge his chosen path. It is what it is and there is a very good chance he was raised in a very similar manner that I was, but he was never able to break the cycle. I believe we all go through things for a reason. Things that allow our souls to grow. Now I never miss an opportunity to tell my Dad that I love him, even though he has never said that to me. I tell him that because I finally decided that I was tired of harboring all that resentment and hatred. It was all hurting me, not him. There is usually a lesson hidden in every situation. I think you are a very good writer and it's nice that you can use your talent to help rid yourself of toxic emotions.
Emmett32: As I said in the title of this post, almost everybody seems to have Daddy Issues. I'm glad I've inspired you. I've been checking your blog out and I'll be stopping by later to drop a comment.
M: I'm glad I have touched you with my story. In a twisted way, it's good to know that all these Daddy problems aren't limited to me and my friends but to a lot of people all over the world from all walks of life. Like Emmett32, I have been reading your blog and I will come by later.
AV: I like that particular story about your 11 kids. Very nice and sage advice. Thank you.
Douglas: Following your comment from a previous post, it seems parenting is really something that is hard to master quickly or even ever. It seems that in all situations, no matter what happens, there are bound to be problems. I guess one can only do his/her best.
E.Michelle: I have not sent this to my father yet. I actually don't believe the letter is complete and I got quite angry in the middle of writing what I intended to be a rational, objective letter that basically just said 'bye'. I can sense your emotions when you talk about the resentment and hatred being detrimental to just me. I will have to ponder whether or not I'm thinking about this in the right way or not.
michael, this post did make me cry. my blog is so personal, but i have not been able to elaborate on something as fundamental as my parents because it is too close to the bone. i personally never want to have kids because i dont want the responsibility of being such a fundamental building block of someone else's life. i guess i dont feel i can measure up to my interpretation of what it is to be a parent. and i know that in many ways, even though i dont like to admit it, this is because i still hold grudges against my parents for the roles that they have played in my life.. for being absent, and intensely critical.
but people keep telling me what an amazing mother i will make. and you will be the same. the relationships we have with our parents repeat a cycle only if we are not aware. you, very obsiously, are. at the same time, dont look towards being a father as a way of righting the wrongs that you feel have been done to you. this doesnt work. have kids cos you want to share your life with someone.
i was surprised at the sentiments you express to your father, because in a previous entry, you speak of him with such tenderness, and nostalgia. you seem to have a lot of mixed feelings towards him. i think speaking to him about where you are may help you sort a lot of things out. (do it when youre calm though!)
and please dont worry about not having many friends. school is not a realistic insight into real life. when i was in school i didnt have many friends, but as i got older and went to college i was able to choose who i hung out with. i also grew into myself. these days i have loads of friends who really love and cherish me - something i never envisaged for myself - and i appreciate it all the more because i know what it is like to have no friends.
life keeps getting better. believe it. youve got a great foundation for a wonderful life - your sense of self.
xxx
ps. until recently i was extremely serious. there was a heaviness and a sadness constantly present with me. but as ive gotten older, and learnt to feel my emotions, instead of intellectualizing them, or keeping them inside, this has gradually lifted. an important, and joyful part of life to me now is rediscovering that part of myself that didnt experience lightness as a child. i go to playgrounds and swing on the swings. i love it, and no one thinks i am crazy! (in fact, the resonse i get from adults is a kind of detached admiration. and the kids want to play with me!)
sorry about all the responses here, i generally dont like to give advise unless someone asks for it (i think it can often be insulting to someone when we presume how they are interpreting life), but i feel so stongly towards you, perhaps cos i know how tough being a teenager, and i really just want you to know that things DO get better!!
much love to you,
yolanda
"dont look towards being a father as a way of righting the wrongs that you feel have been done to you. this doesnt work. have kids cos you want to share your life with someone."
I really, really appreciated that part of your comment. I often thought that it doesn't work either because the problems your kids will experience will just be the opposite problem but with the same intensity and seriousness. It's the balance of the two that needs to be achieved. Balance is everything.
I know that school is a place where 'friends' do not matter, but there are many nice people there that you meet and you do learn a thing or two about life from them. I think that, for me, it is important to always have friends, who don't necessarily love or cherish you, but to have friends who you can love and cherish in return. I believe a whole lot in karma, and in order to be given what you want, you must give first.
I do have what they call a 'best friend'. I would give up everything in my life to save his if it came to it and I am fortunate to have had someone like him for the past six years and possibly many more years to come.
My sentiments are very clear-cut in my mind. What I've displayed on my blog is probably just the contrast between what I felt before and what I feel now. They are not mixed feelings now. The emotions are simply differnt.
Michael.
Yolanda, you don't need to worry about me thinking things won't get better. Things are good already and I will have fun (but only when I intellectually regard it as appropriate, of course).
"I often thought that it doesn't work either because the problems your kids will experience will just be the opposite problem but with the same intensity and seriousness. It's the balance of the two that needs to be achieved. Balance is everything."
thats a great way of phrasing it, and pretty much sums up why i dont want to have kids!
youre an inspiration to us all.
peace and love,
yolanda
It's good that you got angry when writing the letter. Just start writing and let it out...it doesn't matter how it sounds or if you use correct grammar. When you're writing just feel your emotions. For me, I can feel anger and fear in my stomach. Just go with the feeling, don't analyze it. If you get stuck writing, just write "I can't think of anything to write", or "i'm crying now", etc. Deep pain like this can be dissolved, but it takes a lot of PRESENCE. What you write doesn't have to be rational. Don't think, just feel.
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