122 - Thank the gods for true friends

I can be one of the most tolerant, patient, generous, considerate, romantic, and carefree people you can ever meet in your life. The problem I have with most people, though - the only reason I am not being torn in different directions by multiple groups and cliques constantly craving my presence - is the fact that I don't know what I myself truly want. And in my confusion, I make big moves that affect myself and other people in an attempt to bond and belong, fueled and rationalized by my emotional partiality, that ultimately end up in other people and myself getting hurt.

My displays of affection are sometimes viewed as inappropriate, because I think overstepping boundaries shows the courage to be romantic. I am devious and gossipy because I think sharing secrets and meddling in other people's lives means caring about other people's secrets and other people's lives - even though it blatently is snaky and dishonest. The term 'arrogance' crops up occasionally with me, because in some sick, self-centered place in my mind, I think putting up an appearance of confidence attracts people who lack self-esteem and maybe want to get inspired. At times, I'm told that I am insensitive to other people's lives and feelings, and this can largely be attributed to my focus being geared towards romance, or confidence, or whatever I think is completely justified to do.

I've always known that if I kept to my own business throughout my entire life, people would always love me and appreciate me for who I am if I happen to be there sitting beside them in any number of circumstances, but the problem is I just cannot control my innate, human inclination towards social interaction. I have to talk to people. I have to find people to trust. I have to find people to share my life with. And this tendency makes me do crazy, mean things.

And then there are those few that see that I don't mean to mess up anything, that I am actually very accepting of differences, and embracing of common traits, that I am good company, with interesting opinions and a very generous heart. I am grateful to the gods that these people can see past my bullshit, and can forgive me if I wrong them, and can stick by me, even defend me sometimes, while I continue to screw up my relationship with the rest of the world.

Without them, I'd be gone by now, 'cause I really drive myself crazy.

43 - Drunk, happy.

It's been around three hours since the drinking ended. I still have half the bottle of vodka in my schoolbag amongst my books and that, in itself, is just hilarious because I have alcohol, illegally purchased, consumed and possessed, in my room, at the end of my bed, amongst my studying material. I seriously need to shower because I smell like a tequilla factory and looking in the mirror, it is clear that the drunken escapade tonight that concludes this week of school has made me look like shit. Simply looking in the mirror now, my hair is all shaggy and glistens, presumably from the sweat as the alcohol warmed up my body. My cheeks are not red exactly, but they are redder, and my facial color is fuller rather than paler. At some angles, my eyebags seem to be wider and darker than they actually are. I just stuck out my tongue and I felt like gagging/throwing up. Probably not a good idea to do it again.

Yes, looking in the mirror. We all need to reflect on our own personalities every once in a while. If not, we'd just be very egotistic.

I don't know where I'm going with this, this post lacks direction, which I hate. But anyway, I had a good time tonight, I know I have two or three very good friends, at least, and I need to go to sleep now. I hope all of you are very happy too, and will find what you are looking for if you are, indeed, pursuing happiness. Don't feel bad, look on the brighter side of things, ask for help from those you trust if you're finding it difficult, and never, ever give up when searching for what makes you happy. It isn't that difficult if you really believe.