122 - Thank the gods for true friends

I can be one of the most tolerant, patient, generous, considerate, romantic, and carefree people you can ever meet in your life. The problem I have with most people, though - the only reason I am not being torn in different directions by multiple groups and cliques constantly craving my presence - is the fact that I don't know what I myself truly want. And in my confusion, I make big moves that affect myself and other people in an attempt to bond and belong, fueled and rationalized by my emotional partiality, that ultimately end up in other people and myself getting hurt.

My displays of affection are sometimes viewed as inappropriate, because I think overstepping boundaries shows the courage to be romantic. I am devious and gossipy because I think sharing secrets and meddling in other people's lives means caring about other people's secrets and other people's lives - even though it blatently is snaky and dishonest. The term 'arrogance' crops up occasionally with me, because in some sick, self-centered place in my mind, I think putting up an appearance of confidence attracts people who lack self-esteem and maybe want to get inspired. At times, I'm told that I am insensitive to other people's lives and feelings, and this can largely be attributed to my focus being geared towards romance, or confidence, or whatever I think is completely justified to do.

I've always known that if I kept to my own business throughout my entire life, people would always love me and appreciate me for who I am if I happen to be there sitting beside them in any number of circumstances, but the problem is I just cannot control my innate, human inclination towards social interaction. I have to talk to people. I have to find people to trust. I have to find people to share my life with. And this tendency makes me do crazy, mean things.

And then there are those few that see that I don't mean to mess up anything, that I am actually very accepting of differences, and embracing of common traits, that I am good company, with interesting opinions and a very generous heart. I am grateful to the gods that these people can see past my bullshit, and can forgive me if I wrong them, and can stick by me, even defend me sometimes, while I continue to screw up my relationship with the rest of the world.

Without them, I'd be gone by now, 'cause I really drive myself crazy.

116 - Destiny?

Do you believe in destiny?

If you've seen that episode of Friends where Phoebe thinks a British cheese factory owner and Monica are soul mates, you'll know the two sides of the argument clearly. When you see a well-established couple together, you may wonder if whether their seemingly natural compatibility sprouts from having a strong, deep-seated chemistry, or whether it is a testament to how much they tolerate each other's flaws and learn to appreciate each other's differences.

It's hard for me to say whether I believe in fate bringing people together or fate bringing good things to my doorstep. Think of it like agnosticism, replacing God with the concept of destiny. (I am agnostic in the common sense of the word as well, though.) I just don't know.

On the one hand, I believe in working hard at relationships, tolerating people and obstacles in my life, from my best friend's suppression of his inner feelings when I ask how he is, through my mother's repetitive reminders to maintain my own good health and safety, to the long, hard hours of work I put in to my summer job to afford myself an iPhone.

On the other hand, there are friends that I have that are so chemically compatible with me that it's incredibly difficult for me to say that that came about by random chance. There is no need to work hard at anything, because it naturally works so well. How is it possible that these people who have been brought up differently, in a different place, by different parents, can get along with me so unbelievably well right from the getgo?

I fluctuate. Sometimes I believe there are ghosts watching our every move. Sometimes, I think we just die. Sometimes, I have faith in an almighty God, and I really, really do a few good deeds, in fear of going to Hell. And at other times, I think microbiological and astrological evidence prove that there certainly is no Lord. And sometimes, when I'm thinking about the close friends I've had, or the good life I have, I believe that that has to be fate - in no way did I earn that, it came to me like a blessing from God. And at other times, I think destiny is a load of poppycock. I worked hard to get to where I am, I made an effort to keep all my relationships healthy and intact.

Destiny. What an interesting idea.

90 - A chance at love

University is a whole mess of food, drugs, music, sex, relationships, friends and strangers, laughter and tears, kissing and drinking, dancing and groping, randomness, and a little four-letter word, namely Love. It happens rapidly, it happens to just about anyone, it happens everywhere we go, especially in university where all of us have left our homes and our respective high schools, to have a great time, to take hold of the responsibility of taking care of ourselves, and to find what makes us happy - whether it's in terms of our academic interests, the clubs and activities we have a desire to participate in, the careers we have dreamed of all our lives and finally are able to pursue, and of course, the chance to discover like-minded people in an environment that's specifically designed and used for an integrated timetable of education, employment and entertainment, together amongst a diverse deluge of young, passionate, and fun-loving people, from around the world.

Finding like-minded people can be an intricate process for a lot of people. Some people have no problem falling into the arms of another upon meeting them, the fantasy story of love at first sight compels them to simply let loose, float about, and allow the tide of love and life to wash them away wherever the current may bring them.

But for me, it is something of difficulty. It takes a lot of time for me to learn to trust someone. It takes some time for me to get used to people before I can begin to like them. I haven't found someone here after two weeks, but it seems like almost everybody else has paired up already, leaving me the sole soldier on the peripheries of the social circles. I know this is because I am simply not daring enough to take the initiative, to ask people for their names, numbers and perhaps a bit of background.

I wonder all the time, why this has always been the case - why I am not interested in others at first, and I've realized that it is because I like getting the attention first. It makes me self-centered, an attention-seeking kind of guy, and it sort of sucks because I'll never find anyone to be with as long as I retain this problematic attitude.

But I want to be given a chance to be in a relationship with somebody. It has been so long since I have been, and I wonder if it has changed. I love the feeling of devotion, and the pride in being somebody's #1, in being loyal, in being one of a pair, in being ______ and Michael together.

I hate seeing everybody getting Facebook-married, I hate seeing them hold hands, I hate hearing them have sex at night, I hate feeling intrusive and out of place when I'm in the company of a couple.

It's going to take some time for me to readjust my position in social interactions, but I've got to make myself a more approachable and gutsy man before I can be deemed dateable. I've got to stop being so self-involved, if I ever am going to get that chance of experiencing falling in love with someone successfully again.