68 - I can't wait.

Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, it's too sad, it's too sad to destroy this blog. I went back and read what I wrote in the past few months, and damn, that is a lot of writing, a lot of comments, a lot of readership, a lot of thoughts and memories and experiences to just delete at the quick click of the mouse's slick left button.

I was there, with my finger on my mouse, anticipating what I was about to do, like with my finger on the trigger of a gun to my own head (figuratively, of course, remember my thoughts and my memories?)... I couldn't do it, and I chickened out. It looks like I'm here to stay, with my horribly public displays of self-doubt, indecision, angst, hypocrisy and boastful arrogance. Woo~

I've just been really moody lately, you know? At times, I'm ecstatic, other times, downright dismal. Today, my feelings swung from guilt to gloom and from grief to glee. I don't know. I really don't know what's going on. Perhaps I'm just tired.

I have exams coming up soon, and so April is the month to focus. I need to work hard if I want to start a good new life in London. I can't wait to walk out of the examination room after each exam, knowing all my hard studying went toward some cause. I can't wait to pick out the suit I'll wear at my graduation ceremony and ball. I can't wait to party on the night we graduate, I can't wait to turn 18, I can't wait to finally have fun this summer, the only summer in which I just can't worry about the next year of high school.

I can't wait to immerse myself in time spent with my classmates, my friends, my loves. I can't wait to hug them with all the genuine good intent in my heart it will ever muster up for a long time to come.

I can't wait to move to London, to visit Soho, Camden Town, watch musicals, visit museums, eat at fancy restaurants, shop at flea markets, party at the coolest clubs, eat the most traditional scones and biscuits alongside a nice hot cup of cappuccino...

I can't wait to start my university course, and study what I want, what I flippin' give a damn about. I can't wait to grow up, I can't wait to be an adult, I can't wait to fall in love again, I can't wait to live a new life.

67 - I'm shutting this blog down.

For personal reasons, I've decided to take this blog down. I wanted a blog where I could really be honest, but it turns out that there were too many people in my real-life prying into my thoughts and feelings. Through this blog, I have unexpectedly discovered that I actually want my private life to be more private than I first thought a couple of months ago.

I didn't really mean for this to be anyone's entertainment, but apparently, mine is a blog that manages to as a matter of course. I appreciate all the comments you've all given each of my posts, for the followship, for the support, care and ideas you've given me while I've been writing in this one. I have already closed my television one as well, since I wasn't writing too much in it. I'm really sorry for having to do this, but I must go back to my blogging beginnings where it was just Do you hate it too? I believe it would make me feel a whole lot better about blogging.

I'll take this down at the end of the month. Take care, everyone - my e-mail's always on my profile for you to write to if you'd like.

66 - My dad, the cats, and I.

I’m now sitting in a cab, on my way home, after spending the night at my dad’s place. Yesterday marks the first time I’ve seen him since last July after I vowed never to speak to him ever again. I find it strange, and wonderful, but mostly strange, how relationships heal over time, how feelings can change so rapidly. Who knows? Maybe next time I’ll get pissed at him again and promise myself the same thing I did a year ago. I guess you (and by ‘you’, I mean ‘I’) just need to approach each meet-up with an open mind, or better yet, an optimistic attitude.

So, what did we do yesterday… after school, I journeyed to Pacific Place, a rich-bitch shopping arcade that features Lane Crawford, Gucci, Chanel, Dior, and the like. I met up with him at this small restaurant-bar thing, where he was having a beer in a beautifully sculpted glass. He ordered teriyaki beef with rice and salmon sashimi for me, because I was hungry and apparently, they were very good according to him. He also asked if I wanted a beer, and I ordered a Coke instead. First alcohol temptation test since deciding to quit drinking – I passed without hesitation.

We then went to Lan Kwai Fong, the drinking and clubbing venue in Hong Kong. We went to say hello to a good friend of his, who was playing pool with a girl named Belinda at a pool-restaurant place called ‘Racks’. I think I saw one or two Hongkonger celebrities there… I can’t say I wasn’t impressed... in fact, my dad has always known all the cool hangout venues. I am always impressed by where he brings me.

Next on the agenda was his favorite bar, La Dolce Vita ’97. I unfortunately broke my no-drinking rule right there and then, and sinfully downed a Malibu Coke while he had a second beer. I don’t really know what to make of my quitting drinking. I guess I’ll just aim to reduce the amount I drink, as opposed to stopping totally.

He then took me to his place, and I was pleasantly surprised.

He lives in a tiny metropolis sort of place in the middle of Hong Kong. There’s everything you would ever want to live close to: supermarkets, cinemas, concert hall, coffeehouses, delis, fast-food and fancy restaurants and sports grounds are just a few examples. Being a resident there also meant you had access to the club house where they had squash courts, swimming pools, a Laundromat, table-tennis tables, pool tables, a sauna, a spa, etc…

Dude, my dad was living in a rich man’s world. I have to say, everybody we passed by while walking toward his place from the bus stop either looked stylish, rich, sexy, or some combination of the three – that’s boys and girls, mind you.

The actual apartment was spacious, clean, very stylish, and an ocean view. There was a plasma TV, speakers surrounding the sofa area, his laptop computer, space for my notebook, and the music he played was good, too. I took a shower as well, and seriously, I don’t think the hot water runs out, like a five-star hotel. Lining the bathroom sink were bottles of Hugo Boss and Giorgio Armani fragrances for men. There was great shampoo and conditioner, great shaving cream, even great toothpaste, soap and mouthwash. And by ‘great’, I mean ‘expensive’.

When we got to his house, we had dinner while watching some TV… I taught him how to get good quality movie streams on the internet and he went to doing that while I did my own thing on my laptop.

But the thing that really made my night last night was his two pet cats. I don’t know if they have names, but they were two adorable Scottish Folds. When I first saw them, I went up to the black one and pet him and he was just drawn to me immediately, we clicked. The white-with-brown-spots Fold came over soon after, and in an hour or two, I found myself posting on Do you hate it too? with the two cats as my armrests while I typed.

I was originally going to head home once it got really late, but I simply liked it there too much to leave so soon. I fell asleep on the couch while my dad watched a horrible movie called ‘Dungeon Girl’.

At around 10:30am, I woke up to find both cats curling up beside me, clawing at my hair, gently punching my stomach, jumping over my head, over my legs and back again, meowing, licking my face and my fingers, like they were trying to tell me it was time to get up. I just opened my eyes at that point, saw them, and really genuinely smiled for the first time in a long time, like I didn’t have a worry in the world because I had these two cats with me.

They had seen me open my eyes, and I guess they decided it was their turn to go to sleep. They spread themselves on the sofa we were sharing, and used my stomach as their pillow for their heads. I just lay there, for twenty minutes, watching their heads go up and down, up and down, up and down as I breathed. And I couldn’t remember the last time I was so content, so comfortable, so happy.

My dad was alright. But it was those cats that were the main son-magnets. A good journey overall, can’t wait to see what happens today.

65 - I want to drink again.

There are a couple of parties coming up where they will serve alcohol. I'm tempted, I must say. What do you think? Is it okay for me to change my mind? What should I do? I feel like changing my mind.

64 - I quit drinking.

Alcohol and I don't mix well. It brings me down (as a depressant should). Under the influence of alcohol, I'm just incapable of looking on the bright side of things. I'm unable to cheer people up, to give them good advice like I would if I were sober. After a few shots, my mind is just lost in confusion, my heart full of fear.

Someone yesterday told me that they saw a lot of sadness in my eyes. I worry about that because I don't think it's possible to tell if someone's sad by looking into their eyes.

I've been thinking a lot about who I want to be in the future. I've been thinking a lot about who I am now.

Going out drinking and clubbing and partying was never my thing. I always used to power through it, and force myself to drink a range of bitter tasting beverages. I don't know how to dance. I don't like how sweaty I get from bopping up and down after gulping down liters of beer. I don't like margaritas either, my allegedly favorite drink. I hate how vodka makes my throat feel dry. Tequilla and gin are no better. I dislike the taste of spirits mixed with anything. Olives are mushy and bland. And I am sick of picking at mixed nuts.

I've been cheating myself, and others, into thinking I do this sort of thing. I've been tricking myself for a long time.

And yesterday, after drinking a bit, I thought about what I want to be when I grow up.

And the one thing I don't want to grow up to be is my father, and if there's anything he's notorious for, it's his drinking habits. My experiences in the past three or four years have shown me that no good can come out of consuming alcohol. It has always, always depressed me, leaving me saddened at the end of the night.

So, as of today, I quit. I'm going to be sober, at least for a while. There will be no exceptions whatsoever, my birthday, my graduation, nothing. It won't be easy, and I'll need people to back me up on this and support me, because I now know a ton of people around me that have just begun to love drinking or already do. I just hope everyone can get behind me on this, and won't apply peer pressure on to me and make me break my self-promise.

Really, my head has had enough headaches, my throat has had enough of that toxic substance trickling through it. I hate it, and I've had enough.

As of today, I quit drinking.

I quit drinking.

63 - Six pieces of useless information about me.

I was tagged here by Madame DeFarge, creator of bateau de banane. The rules are:

1) Put the link of the person who tagged you on your blog.
2) Write the rules.
3) Mention 6 things or habits of no real importance about you.
4) Tag 6 persons adding their links directly. (I tagged 7.)
5) Alert the persons that you tagged them.

My six mundane facts:

1) I'm reading The Prodigal Tongue by Mark Albey.
2) I don't think Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Minnie Mouse, Pluto and Goofy are good role models.
3) While I love broccoli, and hate celery, I'm neutral when it comes to lettuce.
4) I accidentally dropped my eraser five minutes ago.
5) I can name 192 countries in around five minutes.
6) Three months ago, I sent my resume to this restaurant in pursuit of a waitering job. I didn't get the job.

I tag:

J.J. from The World According To J.J.
Vivienne from Vivienne in Wonderland
gaf85 from gaf85 and Confessions of a Hope Fiend
Louise from Dear Diary
Randa from 365 Days and Tidbits
Marcy from Tales of the Kids, Welcome to Montana and Cooking Rut
Amanda from My special blog of randomness

62 - I'm bored.

I realize I haven't been visiting anybody's blogs for two weeks now. I'll get back to it soon, I just don't have much of a mood these days. I'm really bored, and I wish I had more money to go out but it's costly. This holiday sucks...

When other people tell me they're bored, I tell them a story, ask them if they want to go see a movie, have dinner, or go to the library with me. I talk to them for hours on the phone, perhaps, and I manage to entertain them until they find something to occupy themselves with finally, or until they're tired and want to go to sleep.

The sad thing is that I don't get any satisfaction out of it. I've served my 'duty' as friend or family, but I guess making another person happy just isn't enough to make me happy.

I'm not altruistic at all. I'm a big egoist, and a big egotist, and I'm a selfish brat. What's an egomaniac to do when society demands politeness, sincerity and generosity from him?

He is to say, and do, all the right things for others. He is to tell others what they want to hear to reassure them, comfort them, to put across a message of 'someone really cares about you.' He is to tell others, based on his own knowledge and experience, what he thinks others can do to improve their lives, or their relationships with others, by tactfully injecting confidence, courage, and the like, into their heads. He is to ask others, for favors or the occasional question, to feed their egos, and make them feel knowledgeable, wanted and needed. He is to help others accomplish their dreams, and perform their errands, in order to make their lives go by more efficiently, happily, or in a more worthwhile way.

All of this is, of course, if the guy wants to be accepted within his community despite being egocentric.

Yes, I'm bored. I really want to go somewhere, but I don't want to ask for other people's money, and I don't want to have to ask for other people's time and company.

Oh, well. Maybe I'll go paint a self-portrait or write my autobiography or something... The ego is a funny thing, ain't it?

61 - The One.

Here's a poem I wrote three years ago. Now that I've grown up a bit and have studied a fair bit of poetry at school and in my own time, I now know that the masterpieces I thought I had written were, in actual fact, crap. This is because I always had this problem of thinking everything had to rhyme. But anyway, I wrote this one after I got rejected by someone I had unrealistic feelings for. Oh, stupid teenage angst...

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You're the one I saw.
You're the one I met.
You're the one I laughed at.
You're the one I kept.

You're the one I talked to.
You're the one I laughed with.
You're the one I sat next to.
You're the one I ate with.

You're the one I walked beside.
You're the one I played with.
You're the one I really liked.
You're the one I studied with.

You're the one I read to.
You're the one I wrote to.
You're the one I trusted.
You're the one I listened to.

You're the one I texted.
You're the one I cared about.
You're the one I needed.
You're the one I wanted

You're the one I fell for.
And you're the one I loved.

You're the one that made me happy.
You're the one that made me believe.
You're the one that made me excited.
You're the one that made me leap.
You're the one that made me take a risk.
You're the one that made me confess.
You're the one that made me regretful.
You're the one that left me clueless.

You're the one that made me sorry.
You're the one that made me sad.
You're the one that made me lonely.
You're the one that made me mad.
You're the one that made me vengeful.
You're the one that made me lonely.
You're the one that gave me doubts in my mind
if you were the one and only.

You're the one that saw right through me.
You're the one that just noticed.
You're the one that heard about me.
You're the one that just got pissed.

You're the one that no longer talked to me.
You're the one that blocked me out.
You're the one that pretended to laugh
while I cried my sorry heart out.

You're the one that walked away.
And you're the one that stopped calling.
You're the one that stopped talking.
You're the one that stopped trying.

Now, you're the one that I see right through.
Now, you're the one that I'm going to leave.
Now, you're the one that I don't care for.
and you're the one that I don't believe.

Now, you're the one that I don't want.
Now, you're the one that I won't laugh with.
Now, you're the one that I won't listen to.
Now, you're the one that I won't put up with.

Now, you're the one that I won't care about.
Now, you're the one that I don't care for.
Now, you're the one that I'm so sick of.
Now, you're the one that I must ignore.

I'm tired of stressing out every night
after each silence and every fight.
I'm sick of you being The One in all of the above.
It's over, I give up, you've lost my love.

60 - Life is like riding a bicycle.

You may have heard this quotation before. Albert Einstein once said, "Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving." I think it's sage advice, one of the best ones I've ever heard in my life.

I think about the people around me, in my school, outside of school, at home, in the UK, the US, Canada, Australia and the Philippines. It seems like everybody carries some grudge, some trauma, some burden. It's sad because all of this resentment, sadness and worry simply remain there unceasingly. People carry with them their deep, dark secrets for months, years and entire lifetimes. I find it interesting how every single little thing that you do can change the final outcome of your life. There are an infinite number of places I could be tomorrow, several billion people in this world I could meet this year, an insurmountable number of ways I could die at any point.

What astounds me is how one hug, from one person, at one particular time, in one specific place, can make you feel more loved than you ever have. I find it strange how one petty crime can cause your expulsion from school, how one careless mistake can land you in a juvenile prison, how one relationship with a boy can cause a girl several months of great distress, how one name can change your entire social life, how one insignificant argument can escalate to a divorce, how one book can change your life perspective, how one person's words can motivate you, and how one life well-lived can change millions of others. In a split second, your life could end if it had not been for one special circumstance, or one other person, or if it had been a second later. Life is absolutely crazy.

But you pick yourself up after heartbreak, after tragedy, after all the fretting. You shed your embarrassment, your anguish, your melancholy, and you focus on what you can do to turn things around, implement change, and make things better.

'Life is too short to be lived miserably' is the perfect quotation to epitomize this message. You can't wait for the clouds to subside, you can't expect too much from the Sun. If you want a brighter life, one that's more balanced, then that's your right and your responsibility. Keep your chin up and smile.

59 - Just dance, gonna be okay.

I went out drinking again.

I don't know what to say, because I don't know what happened. I just want to sleep my troubles away, like many people do, but I know I will have to face the consequences of my actions tonight.

However, I love the dancing, and some selected drinks.

I miss my best friend. I wish he was here right now.

He would know what to do.

I love him too much for my own good.

I've lost so much in the past few weeks. I want to look toward my parents and my class for some sort of light, some sort of guidance, because they are the people I'm obliged to be with.

On the other hand, they disappoint me, they hurt me, they piss me off.

Am I expecting too much? Am I too susceptible to insult? Am I too emotional?

Yes, yes and yes.

It doesn't matter.

It all doesn't matter because next year I won't even be here anymore.

I don't just mean in a physical sense.

My personality - I'm radically changing it when I go to university.

Even if you come back to me, even if you regret it, you won't find me there.

I'm gone.

58 - Can you name the Countries of the World?

I managed to name all 195 countries (195 according to this game) in 5 minutes 24 seconds. I obviously trained for this, but on my first attempt ever, I got 104. I know, I know, it's sad that I want to be good at such a dumb game, but hey, it's pretty impressive.