47 - Got an award, so I guess it's time for some honesty

Argentum Vulgaris gave me an award (here), and I proudly present it to you on the right sidebar. I actually like the, uh, rules of this award because I can already feel, at this stage of the post, that I will be able to finally blog properly again. What I mean by the word 'properly' is complicated, but I think I'm implying that I will be able to display some honesty again, like back in the day when I used to do that more often, instead of going out to get drunk before every post, before posting pictures and videos.

Oh, but whatever. I must first accept the honor, so thank you, AV. Then I must list five people who I believe deserve to receive this award, share ten facts about myself and then provide a meaningful quotation. So here it goes:

If you receive the award, please copy and paste the image and incorporate it somewhere in your blog.

I want to bend the rules a bit. I want to give awards to five people who I think already have a lot of recognition and deserve to carry an extra badge on their blog. I also want to give awards to five other blogs that I just don't think get read enough, but I consider awesome, and really enjoy. So ten altogether, aren't I generous?

The Famous:

1. Mike at 365 Sonnets
   
2. Alan at Laid Back Think Tank
   
3. hrix at moonless night
   
4. A struggling writer at My Writers Blog
5. The Short Stick at The Patsy Log

The Awesome:

1. gaf85
2. J.J. at The World according to J.J. in L.A.
   
3. Randa at 365 Days
   
4. AV at Nether Region of the Earth
5. My dear friend, Sarah, at Swing Life Away
   

My ten facts (here is the honesty I mentioned):

1. I grew up in Hong Kong, I've lived my whole life here. Even though I know it so well, even though I love this place, even though it will break my heart to leave, once I depart from Hong Kong, I've decided that I will never, ever come back.
   
2. I actually don't have a 'happiest' memory. I have problems being happy, in that I've never experienced a happiness that didn't have a catch, that was without conditions.
   
3. I lose my appetite and I can't sleep whenever I get majorly depressed. There was one point in my life where I went for four days without any food or rest. I got really sick, not to mention I was utterly miserable throughout.
   
4. I've only ever fallen in love hard for one person - a boy, by the way, who was straight.
   
5. When it comes to games, I love Pokémon and Neopets more than anyone will ever comprehend. On my Xbox, I play Burnout, Halo and FIFA. On my NDS, I play Bomberman, Mario Kart, Frogger, Harvest Moon and Final Fantasy Tactics. I play word games like Text Twist and Boggle. I also play online poker and mahjong with my family.
   
6. In the past five months, I have watched 304 Friends episodes. Since it began airing in 1993, the count is probably in the thousands. I love the show and will continue rewatching it for many years to come.
   
7. I lie a helluva lot.
8. I don't love either of my parents, although, I care about my mother and thank her for everything she's given me.
   
9. If I could be anywhere in the world, I would be lying on a sunny beach in the Caribbean.
   
10. In the past six years, I have had crushes/feelings for 195 people, at various extents, in many different ways. Even though it seems like I hate the world, and cannot even find it in myself to love my parents, this tenth fact about me tells you that I, at least, want to like people. I, like many others, am in a search for love.
    

My quotation:
"If tequila was water, and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom, and never come up, but tequila isn't water, and I'm not a duck, so give me the bottle, and shut the fuck up."

46 - I don't really want to publish this post

I am not feeling very good right now, I feel like writing about something dark, and sad, something like breast cancer, the Holocaust, child soldiers, infanticide, widowhood or bad crime on the streets of New York, but I have a feeling that would not be well-received... I posted something on death earlier on, and I did not get a lot of comments for it, and that was just a piece of creative writing, not really my thoughts on dying. But anyway, the reason I feel like writing about something extremely disturbing, and grim, is hard for me to put my finger on. You see, I am unhappy. I have heard people refer to this as 'Michael being depressed', but I do not believe I suffer from depression, that is just hyperbole. I am sad, though, but I do not need a doctor to start writing me a prescription for pills any time soon.

I have spent five minutes thinking about what to say here... ten minutes... twenty-five minutes... twenty-six minutes—I give up. I cannot bring myself to say anything because I want to be a positive person, I want to be able to write at the same time as I'm sad, but I can't, I just don't have anything I can share. I'm sorry. I'm going to stop posting photos and short posts until I can finally write something substantial. I need the time off, but um... you'll find me on your Dashboard when I can muster up a good idea.

45 - Grumblegrumblegrumble

I'm getting a little bit sick and tired of feeling this way, being uninspired to write in my own blogs and uninterested in reading others. I bought this new toy yesterday, a Nintendo DS to all you who know what that is, it's cool, I can play my games, but I don't want to talk about it, not that I don't enjoy it, I just don't feel like sharing right now. Things are fine with my family, things are actually great with my mother and my aunts. I don't know why I feel so damn bored. I'm not having any problems with girls, I have no problems with guys, I have great friends and I talk to them so regularly, but damnit, I'm so bored, I'm so tired, I don't want to do anything, I'm not in the mood to do anything, I don't know what I want, I don't know what I need to motivate me to come back to life, to pull back the good ol' dramatic, overly expressive, hyperactive Michael. It's not a drink I need, it's not an outing with my friends, it's not spending a day with my family, it's not indulging myself with online poker, my Pokemon games, my books, my blogs or poetry, I don't need to immerse myself in friendly conversation, good food, magazines, Youtube, Neopets, news and politics or television. I just know it's not those things, but I don't know, I don't know what I want... I hate it when this happens because everything I love to surround myself with annoys the crap out of me, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I think I should go out for a while, find inspiration for my blogs, find something. I need winter to go away so I can go to the beach...

44 - LOL

43 - Drunk, happy.

It's been around three hours since the drinking ended. I still have half the bottle of vodka in my schoolbag amongst my books and that, in itself, is just hilarious because I have alcohol, illegally purchased, consumed and possessed, in my room, at the end of my bed, amongst my studying material. I seriously need to shower because I smell like a tequilla factory and looking in the mirror, it is clear that the drunken escapade tonight that concludes this week of school has made me look like shit. Simply looking in the mirror now, my hair is all shaggy and glistens, presumably from the sweat as the alcohol warmed up my body. My cheeks are not red exactly, but they are redder, and my facial color is fuller rather than paler. At some angles, my eyebags seem to be wider and darker than they actually are. I just stuck out my tongue and I felt like gagging/throwing up. Probably not a good idea to do it again.

Yes, looking in the mirror. We all need to reflect on our own personalities every once in a while. If not, we'd just be very egotistic.

I don't know where I'm going with this, this post lacks direction, which I hate. But anyway, I had a good time tonight, I know I have two or three very good friends, at least, and I need to go to sleep now. I hope all of you are very happy too, and will find what you are looking for if you are, indeed, pursuing happiness. Don't feel bad, look on the brighter side of things, ask for help from those you trust if you're finding it difficult, and never, ever give up when searching for what makes you happy. It isn't that difficult if you really believe.

42 - Pictures from my trip to Sichuan, China.

So I promised I would post pictures from my trip to Chengdu and Jiuzhaigou Valley. They're places in a province of China called Sichuan, the province in which last year's Sichuan Great Earthquake took place.

Behold, the photos. I tried to select the best out of thousands, so enjoy?

A statue outside a monastery that has different parts from all twelve animals of the Chinese zodiac. I was born in the year of the Sheep, so I'm touching the goat's beard for good luck.


Remember the post on bad translations of Chinese food on my other blog? Well, through this gate was the street that sold all that food.

The Giant Panda Breeding Research Base.

Four of them all battling for bamboo.

Red panda, lucky shot of this one standing.

Jiazhaikou Valley, famous for its spectacular scenery comprising rivers, waterfalls and lakes. We had to take another plane from Chengdu to Jiuzhaigou in order to get here. In this photo, I was a little... cold. It doesn't look cold from the photo, but it really was.

Those colors are unreal, man. 熊猫海, Xiong mao hai, "Panda Lake".

Pretty waterfall.

My mom and I at another waterfall.

My mother reckons her photography skills are awesome because it's artistic. What's artistic, apparently, is the tree that's in the way. To me, that defies all logic.

Pretty tree.

Really blue lake.

Blue and green hues of 草海, chao hai, "Grass Lake".

五花海, wu hua hai, "Five Flower Lake".

Side-view of 诺日朗瀑布, nuo ri lang pu bu, "Nuorilang Waterfall".

I'm just trying something...

Still Nuorilang Waterfall. This is hilarious because we were trying out the widescreen function. In case you still haven't found me, I'm in the bottom-right corner.

We flew back to Chengdu and this was taken in the bathroom of the Chengdu airport.

My mother likes taking photos of my slavery as I retrieve our suitcases at baggage claim.

Have you ever stayed in a honeymoon suite with your mother because the hotel couldn't place you anywhere else? This is the consequence: a view of the shower from your bed, with the curtain on the outside of the bathroom. Weird.

Mount Emei, 3099 metres above sea level. The only food they sold there were sausages. Who doesn't like sausages?

Cold.

Everything with a thin layer of snow.



My mother disturbing me in my sleep on the way down the mountain.

Leshan Giant Buddha, viewed from a darn boat. This was what I wanted to see from the very beginning, but the boat we got didn't stop to let us get off and actually walk around and up next to the buddha. But anyway, it's 71 metres tall and the Buddha-in-a-wall to see in one's lifetime.

On the flight back to Hong Kong.

Pretty clouds.

41 - The Fourth Picture.

So I was tagged by Alan, creator of Laid Back Think Tank, Robot Nine and Balloon Release, in this post to partake in a little game where you go into your computer, find the fourth file, find the fourth image in that file, and post it on your blog to talk a little bit about it. And here it is:

That picture up there, my friends, is a picture of a banana caramel chocolate ganache tart. Saved in my 'Dessert' folder, it is the fourth image and appears amongst many, many other photos of cakes, ice creams, tarts, pies, crêpes, mousses, cookies, pastries, puddings and trifles. I'm sad, pathetic and hungry, so I stare at these images to satisfy my insatiable appetite late at night.

Many of the pictures in this folder come from a blog called Cup-Cakerie, a blog that highlights many cakes and cupcakes, all home baked by a 32-year-old mom living in Bangkok, Thailand. ...I encourage you all to pay that blog a visit to drool.

As for the four people who I tag:

Argentum Vulgaris, creator of Nether Region of the Earth, Nether Region of the Earth II, Tomus Arcanum and Things That Fizz and Stuff. I know he will find the time and just the right image to take part in such a thing while he's working at the office in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.

J.J. at The World According To J.J. in L.A., obviously in California, USA. My resident taggeficiary whenever it comes to any of these tagging games. Often, when my life seems like too much to handle, I like to go to her blog for something 'normal'. No, not 'boring'. I mean honest, homely and simple, free from strife, with just a touch of sarcasm. (J.J., all you have to do is tell me that you don't want to do them and I'll stop tagging you :P)

Vivienne, maker of Vivienne in Wonderland, half-Spanish, half-German, grew up on the Canary Islands, lived in Switzerland and currently lives in London (phew...). As I understand it, she hardly posts any images, but I want her to because I think it would make a wonderful change. :)

eC at Thumbs Up, Feet On The Ground, from Roc-Town, Minnesota, USA. Known for her unique, charismatic and youthful blogging style and her new-age haikus, I nominate her solely for her hilarious teenage flavor alone.

Voilà.

40 - Stress.

I just got a conditional offer from the University of Kent in the UK, but you know what?

Hip hip no hurray, because I'm damn tired of school. I hate to be a complainer like the rest of them, but I think I deserve the right to rant and protest like an archetypal adolescent after seventeen years of not complaining. I'm so sick of each and every one of my subjects ruining my meals, my sleep, my weekends and my daily livelihood. Why do Hong Kong schools need to be this way? Why do international schools need to be this way? Why does the final year of high school have to be this way? I hate complaining, I hate complaining about this so much because I know it only gets more difficult and pressured in university and at work. So what if I get an offer? I still have to apply for scholarships and student visas. I need to sign up for financial aid thanks to my parents' crummy divorce , familiarize myself with the course, buy new textbooks and get myself a part-time job as soon as possible. When it comes time to leave, I have to make plans to see everybody, I have to make plans to see the right people in the university/country of my choice, say goodbye to everybody and everything I know here, pack up everything in my room to move somewhere else 'cause God knows I can't afford to fly back any time soon. The way life is going to be in the next six to eight months is simply not humane to me.

I don't feel like a robot. I feel more like the living dead, my body's degradation after so many years of attaining education has caused me to become so pessimistic and tired. I want to fall asleep on my own accord, whether it be in bed or on the bus to school or on the plane going to holiday and not have a pen in my hand or my textbook on the floor or my laptop on my lap when I wake up. It kills me that my room is such a mess, with books, sheets and folders lying around everywhere. I'm so worn out and lazy whenever I catch a break that I can't even walk out of my room to dump my school clothes into the laundry basket, or even walk out to throw out the countless boxes and plastic bags that used to contain takeout.

I'm tired of staying up so late trying to slam out 1,500-word essays, only to wake up to 200 words done. I'm tired of waking up at the very last minute, to rush to school, to rush to school to finish those darn essays. I want to take a proper fucking shower, I want there to be enough time to wash my fucking hair. I want time to read and to watch my television series without a pile of homework sitting next to me, without a spreadsheet or a word document open on my monitor. I want time to really spend time with my family and friends. Gosh, I'm not even attending a very important Chinese family gathering because I have to work.

What do I have to work on? Well, let's see... There's the 4000-word essay on Hell that I was meant to finish in September 2008, I have a Math portfolio that isn't a bit of fun at all, there's Theory of Knowledge essay and presentation ideas to come up with, Mandarin group oral as well as a Mandarin essay, the data response I have to do for Economics, as well as two portfolio assessments, an oral commentary for English to prepare, four Chemistry practicals, on the titration curves for four different types of neutralization reactions, the hydrolysis of dihalogenoalkanes and the oxidation states of vanadium, the Chemistry past paper to complete, notes to copy down from Physics and Economics because I missed one lesson of each subject thanks to my oversleeping and another three practicals to write up for Physics, to do with the half-life of brick dust, Planck's constant and the Hertzsprung-Russell diagram, all of which, I'm sorry, might as well be mixed with dry twigs and leaves to make fuel for a bonfire because I don't give two shits about any of it.

I trick myself, my classmates and my teachers into believing so because it's right. What I really care about is my damn happiness, health and well-being and sorry if this sounds shockingly self-centered but I am worried that I do not live happily, healthily or well. I hate complaining about school, I've never believed in complaining about it, but this is what I swallow because I know hatred towards school is not the right mindset for a student. I just need to be more efficient with my work. It's such a pain in the neck, but fine, back to work. If you're going through Hell, keep going, right? That's the motto, so I've heard, on this blog...

Talk to all of you folks later...

39 - Interviewed.

I've been interviewed by Argentum Vulgaris, creator of 'Nether Region of the Earth II', 'Tomus Arcanum' and 'Things that Fizz and Stuff'. If you want me to interview you, well, just take a look at the instructions at the end of this post to find out how.

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1. Your blog is actually very interesting, why did you choose to tell the world about personal dislikes as opposed to likes?
One day I felt the compulsion to create something where I could write everyday, and my friend suggested that I start a blog. Before I started Do you hate it too?, I used to rant about everything to my friends exceedingly and it annoyed them, and stressed me out a lot. It just seemed like a good idea for a blog and I knew I could carry on writing about my dislikes for such a long time. I could never write about my likes on a daily basis. I've thought about making a Do you love it too? blog, but generally, I lack the ideas for it and I don't have the time to manage both.

2. During you recent blogging career you have disclosed some pretty personal stuff. Stuff that many of us prefer to keep as skeletons in our familial closets. Why do you feel that you can trust the blogging community given that most of us remain anonymous to a degree?
I don't trust the blogging community. (ouch, right?) I trust my best friend and myself and that's about it. Disclosing my secrets isn't and never has been an indication of trust for me. The past is just the past, my sexuality is just a preference and radical thoughts are simply thoughts. I have no problem talking about the truth, nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to stuff that others would otherwise keep secret. To be blunt, what can the anonymous blogging community do to me if they know stuff about me? Who would dare to do something anyway?

3. You have said that you are half-Filipino. Which half and why do you live in Hong Kong?
My dad is Filipino and my mom is Hong Kong Chinese. My paternal grandfather brought my dad and his siblings to Hong Kong to get into the thriving shipping business, while my maternal grandfather brought my mom and her seven sisters from mainland China to Hong Kong for a better life under the British occupation. My parents met while working in a hotel and I was born here. In the divorce, my mother got custody and I guess since she likes stability, I have always stayed in Hong Kong with her.

4. Are you guilty of any of the things that you hate too?
Clinginess, gluttony, talking too much, forgetfulness, losing my temper, being rude in the morning, being disorganized, and Christmas greed.

5. For a young person, you spend a lot of time on your blog, what do you gain from this experience?
I get to write on a daily basis, so that (hopefully) improves my writing skills and helps me with sticking to a routine. The people in my life are already very enjoyable to be around, but here, I get to meet a far greater number of interesting and unique individuals. I've always been intrigued by humans and human behavior (which is why I want to study anthropology next year) and blogging is perfect for that.

------------------------------------

If you’d like to play along, just follow these instructions:

* Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
* I will respond by giving you five questions in a comment on your blog. I get to pick the questions.
* You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. Be sure you link back to the original post.
* You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
* When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

38 - I'm not a boy but I still had fun today

I'm not very good at being a boy. I'm a guy that loves to hug, hold hands, talk on the phone and take long walks on the beach at night. I love passing judgment on fashion, food, acting, writing, literature, celebrities and, of course, others (That means I'm a gossip). I don't like sports like rugby, football and basketball. I don't know anything about guns except for what a pistol, a rifle, a machine gun and a shotgun each look like generally. I have no clue when it comes to cars and their stats either, aside from the different brand names and where each car company has its headquarters. When it comes to games, in general, gore, blood, shooting, violence is fine with me, good and intriguing, in fact, but I have very particular taste and I don't turn on my XBOX a lot. (In case any of you game, I like Burnout, Halo and Fifa. And yes, that's all.)

That's not to say I don't have any boyish qualities. I'm a gentleman who holds the door open and tucks in a lady's chair on formal occasions. I work out, and can lift most heavy objects. I pay way too much attention to my hair. I love meat in any form, cooked in any way. I love making the fire for a good old-fashioned barbecue (well, I can usually make a better fire than anyone else). I love to go bowling, play golf and shoot some pool. I used to get into some really bad fights with boys, and I'm sorry to say that I resort to violence when people push my buttons hard. I get mad, I'm unreasonable at times and I'm selfish. But, at least I respect my mother (most of the time) and I am practically an older brother to my three cousins. I hang out with a bunch of dudes in school. Girls have had crushes on me and I have fallen in deep, deep love with girls before too. This duality in my personality is definitely a result of my bisexuality.

Anyway, so, today, we had two hours of basketball for Sports. I used to be in the basketball team a few years ago but that's all. I'm very good at scoring long-range baskets (freakin' insane at them), but I am utter crap at everything else. My dribbling was awkward. I didn't look before I passed. I ran offside twice in just five seconds.

However, there are two guys in my class that treated me like one of their own (they were on the team for four years) and they gave me a few pointers. I was able to try hard, bring back what I learned from being in the team, and have a lot of fun. I typically would hate basketball, but damn, I was a guy today. We played some games and I scored seven baskets. I ran around, I shoved the opponent without appearing like I was committing a foul, I had more testosterone pumped through me than I've ever had in years.

My days have been good for nearly two weeks now. I'm thankful for that and 2009 is getting off to a good start.

37 - My report card.

Oh, my God. I just received my report card. I haven't opened it yet, but they're right here in front of me.

I've always been a fairly alright student. I don't complain about the homework (because I don't see the point) and I don't worry too much about the results (because I don't see the point). I do care about my grades, but I generally don't worry about things in life. There's a difference between caring about something and worrying something.

So let's open this report card together, shall we? I'm already bracing myself for all the clichéd crap, but more importantly, I'm looking forward, even more, to reading between the lines so that I can find out what's really right or wrong with me as a student.

English - Exam: 80%, Average: 61%, Effort: 1, Achievement:A
I have been most impressed with the excellent progress Michael has been making particularly of late. He responds to the texts with maturity and insight and displays a genuine love of literature. He can speak and write about the texts with enthusiasm and flair and is developing a real sense of style in his writing. A first-rate term was rounded off with his fine examination result. With continued application I expect a very high grade from him next summer. Very well done!

I'll take that comment. I do genuinely love literature and writing, so it makes me happy that my English teacher is happy.

Mathematics - Exam: 42%, Average: 60%, Effort: 1, Achievement: B
What a pleasure it is to see Michael's academic maturation; he has become better organized and has taken on more responsibility for his own learning, developing an independent approach to his studies. Michael's examination technique will improve as he is exposed to more past papers.

What a load of crap. I skip a lot of Maths classes and I did quite poorly on my examination in my opinion. Maths is the hardest subject in our school, though, so 42% isn't that bad. I just feel I don't deserve a B for achievement or a 1 for effort. I'm a crap maths student.

Mandarin - Exam: 77%, Average: 74%, Effort: 1-, Achievement: B+
Michael has done well in IB paper 1, which has shown that he has made good progress in reading comprehension. However, his written paper still leaves some room for improvement. Apart from a well-thought out plan, he has to bear in mind that a development of ideas has to be focused on the topic. His vocabulary, as reflected in essay writing, is reasonable for the standard level, but he has to be careful of repeated errors in calligraphy. Michael is a co-operative student, and with some added efforts, I believe he will do well in May.

I agree with that. However, I need to rant about something. I can understand oral and written Chinese. I was born with it spoken all around me for my entire life. I hate the fact that we have to write essays and do orals when I do know Chinese as a second language. It's just hard learning another language, it always has been for me. I don't know. I don't want to learn Mandarin because it's just a joke, but I had to learn some language... I guess I'll look for ways to improve...

Chemistry - Exam: 54%, Average: 62%, Effort: 2, Achievement: C
Michael has not prepared well for his exams. Questions attempted show a lack of ability to even recall simple ideas. Many key concepts were not applied and his mediocre understanding does not reflect well for his summer exams. This unfortunately, was not unexpected. Michael has not worked consistently this term. When questioned directly in class discussions, an answer is often not given due to a lack of preparation prior to lessons. Michael must spend time immediately to compensate for gaps in his knowledge.

No argument there. I will work on it.

Physics - Exam:53%, Average: 71%, Effort: 1-, Achievement: C
Michael has always shown a healthy interest in physics but he has become increasingly focused on knowing more about applications of the theory over recent months. Disappointing examination results, however, show that he has not done sufficient revision to consolidate ideas to be able to apply them to a range of questions. With a determined effort I have no doubt he can improve, and yet he will also need to be careful not to miss any more classes. He will be in danger, not only of missing vital revision, but also of non-completion of the essential coursework.

This one hit me hard. I always used to be good at mathematics and science, but now I'm faltering in my ability to keep all the theory in my mind. I will work on it.

Economics - Exam: 57%, Average: 81%, Effort: 1, Achievement: A-
Michael should be pleased with the grasp he has established of this subject, though this was not reflected in his recent examination. He has consolidated much of the material that has been covered and is now more comprehensive in the development of his written work. Poor question choice was primarily to blame for his examination mark, and I feel that he will continue to bring together the separate parts of this course and strengthen further his understanding. In class, Michael is engaged and he actively participates. More of the same next term will pay dividends. Well done, Michael.

'will pay dividends'. Funny thing for an economics teacher to say. I wonder if he uses any other technical terms in my classmates' report cards.

Theory of Knowledge - Effort: 1, Achievement: A
Michael produced an excellent essay and overcame his usual reserve to play a confident part in a very successful group presentation. There there is nothing to stop him doing very well next term, when the final assessments take place.

That's the way I roll. A confident part, whoopee.

Form Tutor Report
Michael is taking more responsibility for his progress and will reflect on his experience of the mock examinations; hopefully, he will be balanced in his self-assessment, giving credit for the progress made and not focusing solely on areas needing improvement. There is still plenty of time for Michael to refine his examination technique; this good set of reports from his teachers should remind Michael to have confidence in his own ability.

I'm confused. I'm confident. Perhaps with no right to be for some subjects. I will work on my Mandarin, Chemistry, Maths and Physics. With no further ado, let me get back to my homework now.

36 - Life stories are meant to be told slowly.

Over the course of the past week, I have had a lot of thoughts on what to post on this blog but I haven't had the time to do it because of school. It's a shame, really, because now my mind is drawing a blank and I suppose it's just a result of using too much of my brainpower doing schoolwork. (Boy, I miss those holidays.)

So, as I sit here, cross-legged and hunchbacked on the end of my bed with my laptop, I'm thinking about my life (as I always do) and it feels like my life has stretched on forever. I know I will repeat this statement some other time. I know when I turn sixty, I will think to myself, Seventeen-year-old Michael, boy, you really had no idea how long life could be. But right now, I think I have the right to say that and think that. I feel I've had it longer than most seventeen-year-old people, and to me, these seventeen years feel like they've been going on forever. (I'm still not sure what I want to talk about in this post.)

Yes, seventeen years has been a long time. You see, that's just the thing. Where do I even begin to decide what to post about in this one? Who says one episode of my life deserves to be shared more than another episode? There are just so many episodes to choose from, so many of them interesting for readers and close to my heart.

I remember this one blogger whom I met when I first launched 'Do you hate it too?'. She was a girl, fifteen, with a somewhat dark and mysterious display picture. What struck me as odd and interesting about her was the way in which she laid out her entire life in bullet-point form in a single post. In that one entry, she stated that she had crappy parents, gotten pregnant, self-harmed, taken drugs and moved from place to place. I knew she was looking for answers by saying all that. I knew she was looking for someone to listen, maybe even to help. But to get help we need to know how to ask for it.

You see, I could do that. I could lay out my life in a single post. I'll do you one better: I can sum up my entire life into this paragraph: I was born in 1991 and my parents got divorced in 1993. I spent a year in Canada with my mom's family, then one year on the beach with my dad. Then I moved to my maternal grandparents' apartment, where I currently reside. I was clever and happy in primary school, and during that time, my mom brought me on many travels while my dad got remarried and had three daughters. I entered high school in 2002. I got suspended for theft in 2003. Someone pushed me out of the bisexual closet in 2004. I got expelled for theft in 2005. I was half an hour away from committing suicide on June 17, 2005. I entered a new school (the school I go to now) and there, I found friends and myself. My dad got divorced again and I won't forgive him. I like reading, watching television and blogging. Now, I'm clever and happy, just like in primary school, but even more so. I go to university soon.

You see that? You see how easy that was?

But where is the emotion? Where is the complexity in these issues? It just isn't there. And that's why I think that people need to learn how to stop moaning, complaining and throwing words like 'drugs', 'divorce' and 'suicide' around like they don't mean anything deep. Surely, they are the words you use to refer to these events, and I'm not discounting the fact that these things didn't make a huge impact on your life, but those words don't make up your life and they do not define you.

I take my blogging seriously and I know things need to be told slowly for people to welcome you, accept you and want to hear about you if you have a personal blog. I wonder if that girl still reads my blogs because I haven't seen her post anything or leave comments at all since the end of last October. But I hope she knows now that she can't expect people to listen if she overwhelms readers like that. Those who have been following my blogs for some time know what I'm like. People who know me in real-life know that 'bisexual', '17', 'teenager' and 'Asian' don't and cannot describe me well enough.

Those words are understatements of what it truly feels like to be those things. And it's about time some people learned that the true value of people's stories are in the ideas they put forward about their thoughts and feelings, that their life story's value does not lie in the bland words people assign to life-changing experiences. Otherwise, I would comprise a bunch of labels, like 'that boy with the divorced parents', 'the kid that got expelled', or 'that dumb blogger with that hate blog'.

So, anyway. That looks like a post so let's end it there. I look forward to learning more about all of your lives slowly and I will continue to take my time in introducing you to mine.

35 - Resolutions need time to take effect

The impatient pessimists sitting on their high horses all tell me and some of my other friends that we are hopelessly hopeful because new year resolutions never, ever work. They are so sure of themselves, and believe that we will drop our resolutions and live another self-centered year like 2008.

I think resolutions take a bit of time to kick in and to take effect, i.e., it takes a while for one to get used to what he/she has to deal with for the rest of the coming year. One's performance in carrying out their resolutions should not be based on the mere first six days out of 365. We have a long way to go and who knows what will happen. Someone wise and dear to me once said: "Don't sound so confident, Michael."

I point that quote out to all you skeptical, cynical and spiteful folks out there, because it looks like I've found the beginning of the path to my goals for this year. Laid out on the path is my iPod, my laptop with my Dashboard shown on the screen, my textbooks, tens of cartons of instant coffee powder and an assortment of all my favorite foods. On the left-hand side, you will find my family standing there and on the right are all the things I love about Hong Kong alongside this one single road. I've found what I want to do really to achieve my goal. So good for me.

34 - The tears need answers.

I am always disheartened by the fact that nobody ever calls me or texts me except my mother. Sure, people will reply to my text messages or pick up my call but they will never initiate interaction between me and them. It's like nobody cares that I'm here.

But every now and then, I receive a phone call from someone that actually wants me because I've somehow been with them and gotten along with them enough to be the person they call in times of trouble. This is a good thing, but these phone calls never come easy.

You answer the call and if you have Caller ID, you will know if it's someone close to you. Seeing their names on the Caller ID of my phone makes me so happy because I look forward to communicating with my good friend or my close family.

Oh, but the first thing you hear from your loved one is the sniffling, the sobbing, the cold, hard facts of the situation, distorted by the inability to speak properly while crying, and in most cases, the audible outdoor noises, such as the wind blowing, the cars beeping, the dogs barking and the chirping birds.

I've called people like this before. People have heard me wail about what's wrong on the phone. People have watched my waterworks on a webcam. One even woke up to find a letter on the floor in the morning, with my handwritten ravings, ink smudged by the tears that passionately ran down my face and managed to freely drop on to the scripture.

I've cried dozens of times, in front of dozens of different people.

But what do we do when someone is crying? What can we possibly say to make the tears go away? What answers are we supposed to give them?

Sometimes people have the appropriate answers. My best friend always has the right ones for me. He's an expert at drying my eyes with his trusting and trustworthy words.

I was also able to give my own father some answers when he was contemplating suicide or leaving the country for good. It wasn't easy as the 16-year-old son, but hey, I am surprised at myself as I feel rather humbled by his confiding in me.

Sometimes people don't have the answers, such as her for example. She never did, whenever and wherever we were sitting opposite each other. What can I say? Falling in love makes you raise your expectations.

There are many of my friends who don't carry the content or the articulateness in their words to soothe others whom are crying. Sometimes, even I don't and so I feel awful.

I can only hope I had the right answers this time round, with this phone call I got today just moments ago. I can only hope that what she has lost gets returned to her by the hands of God and that she stops crying.

And if I didn't provide the right answers this time round, I can only hope that I get another chance in the future. I feel sympathy pains. I want good things for her. That has never changed and will never change because she's my dear friend.

Update (8:09PM): Are you okay?

33 - More Chinglish.

(Click to enlarge the images, people.)

Cuiture?

This small error is like a stake in my heart.

It is made worse because the mistakes are mass-produced.

Lifec ycle of si lk wrom. :D




Not-recyclable. The hyphen is not right.
What is more amusing is the symbol underneath. I did not know there was a symbol for the opposite of recycling.

lol.

Courageous use of the semi-colon.


It's so civilized, indeed.

How do omnivores usually throw away their rubbish?

Alright. I'll climb over the fence.


This made me feel so clever.