16 - Where did all my best friends go?

One doesn't care about me because of how my feelings have affected the situation. He looks down on me and thinks I'm pathetic He thinks I take things too seriously and that I should learn to let loose, yet at the same time, he prides himself in having a mindset on deep philosophical ponderings and having more mature thoughts than the rest of us. He thinks he sees it all when he seems to miss the most important observation - a self-reflection.

One hasn't known me for very long but I've sort of gotten to like her since we began getting to know each other last year. She knows about me but I despise the way she finds it hard to express herself. I'm a very good listener so she may as well make use of it. I hate being the one talking and she doesn't make me feel treasured. Soon enough, I'll leave but I'm always here for now. Oh, but she'll never approach me. I'm worthless to her. It makes me so angry. Who is she to judge?

One knows when I'm being serious and knows when I'm being fun as well. In fact, he knows everything about me, from the scar I have on my abdomen to the list of Christmas gifts I've received over the past six years, from the people I love and care about to the people that I've just passed by on any given day, from the color of my pillows to the books I've read, from the stories of my childhood to the story of my life on a daily basis now. He knows everything, yet he doesn't know that he uses humor too much. He laughs because he's insecure with the fact that he trusts me, needs and and loves me. He jokes because he doesn't know how to share sensitive words, yet he has what is seemingly the most profound opinion regarding my own ethics and life. He deems himself high and mighty. He looks down on me and thinks that a one-way trust can work between us. How is he different from the other guy? How can he really expect me to want to keep him any longer?

One has always been quiet and timid with a twist of fun, cute energy. She's been her best friend for years and trusts him too and that's how we've come to trust each other's advice and judgment. It's the distance that has separated us. It's the fundamental problem of having our schedules consume our personal lives. What a pity.

One, I found quite surprisingly out of nowhere. I guess great minds think alike and are eventually drawn together and I'm so glad that they are. Out of all of these, we have the least problems, I reckon. Oh, but she's too caught up in her own life. She's still not trusting enough and it's too bad that her and I never discussed anything more. I've always wondered, but I guess a friendship that's safe and content is better than one that's surprising and loaded with variables.

One, I used to love with all my heart. She was perfect but I messed it up. I thought we could continue to bond despite the fact we went to different schools but it turns out that the incident has changed everything, most notably her feelings towards me and her desire to want to be with me. I thought we could lie on the bare trust that we had established by our childish liking for each other but the late-night chats, the kind words of advice and encouragement and the times of watching television simultaneously are long gone now. I was ready to hold her in my arms. I was ready to kiss her on the forehead in the morning, the cheek as she had her lunch and on the lips before we parted ways. I was so ready but really, what's the use if this distance was all that it would result in?

One has always been sort of distant from me but through my four years in knowing him, a compulsion to care for and love him has developed. I wish he could learn to be happy with what he's got but he complains too much. He's hypocritical but I love the sense of surety and confidence he has in his tone of voice sometimes. I love that he can be romantic too. I love that he can be who he is and not fear the world. It's a shame that he admits to being scared when he's alone. It's a shame his romanticism isn't shared with her. It's a shame his dreams and goals are not appropriate for this time. It's a shame he doesn't trust me. I would listen.

One never knows what to say when I'm talking to him. I know he'll know this is about him the moment he reads this. He has good observational skills. He has good judgment, I believe. His problems with expressing himself have frustrated me several hundred times, though. He will find himself alone one day and that's the sole reason I keep his hopes/spirits up. The truth is, all my care for him will only be legitimate if it's mutual. I will not stand for it much longer and when it comes down to it, it's really because he's boring and doesn't have anything to express.

One, I've hated in the past but have loved to talked to because he knows the importance of keeping things to himself and keeping a healthy relationship. I have grown to like him and for once, he was one to forgive me. I guess I talk to him for his sake but he tells me that all he wants is a simple life. Good-natured people are too rare in this world and it's such a big, big shame that he doesn't want the same things I do. We would've done well but that simple difference is what will drive us apart in years to come.

One loves me in the same way I love her, however, it's not allowed to go any further than that. That has put a strain on our relationship since the day I met her but I've always known we'll be great. She and I have very few problems because we both know that honesty is the best policy. It's a shame that we each find flaws in each other. It's a shame we don't learn from each other. It's a shame we don't improve each other. We just love but what use is love if it doesn't do any good?

One has completely turned her life around and replaced the book in her hand with the bottle of vodka. I never really cared much for her but she has been my close friend on occasion. We're too distant now and it will most probably stay that way.

One has ignored me since he found out a special secret about my sexuality. He also blames it on my immaturity, my total disregard for other people's feelings and my racism. I've grown up since then and it's him that's the childish one if he thinks a grudge is worth carrying for more time to come. There will come a day where he will regret all these lost years. There will come a day when he'll realize he was wrong. He can continue ignoring me for now. Good for him.

One, I have shared a relationship with that has gone up and down like a roller coaster. That's exactly the point. She loves roller coasters and very good television in the drama and reality genres. She loves the ice-cream, she loves the beach, she loves to gossip and she loves the people even though she may not always show it all the time. She's just like me. Oh, but we're both shallow and I firmly believe that's what it's come down to. We can't always be good friends because she's pretty and I'm ugly.

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Do people not understand the importance of letting your friends feel treasured? If you never show gratitude and desire to be with one another, what is the point?

Why must you hide yourself behind your laughter, or you behind your stoic demeanor? Why aren't you willing to bring our love to an even higher level and why aren't you willing to let go of past hatred? The fact that you're incapable of expressing yourself shows me you don't care. The fact that you're actually capable but choose not to is even worse than the other one. Why do you want to live a simple life? Why do you expect me to give a damn about the amount of alcohol you've consumed? Why won't you trust me? Why won't you trust me more? Why won't you give me a chance? Are you really that busy? And does nothing from the past matter to you anymore?

God, I feel so cheated of my time and effort. What was the point of me trying so hard to build these relationships if they appear to establish nothing now? I mean, me going to university without my high school friends... Is that really what you all want for me?

4 - What am I doing wrong?

There used to be a time where I was always considered a cocky, self-righteous, self-indulgent, selfish person, and my friends would always tell me to grow up, to be more gentle and generous and basically, be good. Having heard that advice, and having been through long, painful years where I've gradually lost contact with those old friends, I've made new friends since then, and you know, they're kind, and they're friendly, but I'm very unhappy when I'm around them.

In the old days, everything bad that happened to me, I deserved it. Nowadays, everything bad that happens to me, I often think it's my fault, but lately, I've found myself confused, asking myself about what I've been doing to deserve to be so unhappy these past few weeks. I asked people, "What am I doing wrong?", and you know what... you know what the funny thing is? They told me, that I'm "not doing anything wrong".

And that's exactly what I thought, and exactly why I found myself confused, because I'm a big believer in karma. I believe we all get what we deserve. I've grown. I'm more gentle and generous. And I've been told by others that I'm a good, good person deep inside. So even after changing myself to be less arrogant and self-centered, why is it that I'm still unhappy? I ask others this question, and they say something along the lines of: "because that's life" or "because life is not always fair" or "because that's the way the cookie crumbles"... and that just leads me to become even more confused.

I hate being unhappy, and not being able to change myself to perhaps bring about my own joy. I want to know what I'm doing wrong. What am I doing wrong?