46 - I don't really want to publish this post

I am not feeling very good right now, I feel like writing about something dark, and sad, something like breast cancer, the Holocaust, child soldiers, infanticide, widowhood or bad crime on the streets of New York, but I have a feeling that would not be well-received... I posted something on death earlier on, and I did not get a lot of comments for it, and that was just a piece of creative writing, not really my thoughts on dying. But anyway, the reason I feel like writing about something extremely disturbing, and grim, is hard for me to put my finger on. You see, I am unhappy. I have heard people refer to this as 'Michael being depressed', but I do not believe I suffer from depression, that is just hyperbole. I am sad, though, but I do not need a doctor to start writing me a prescription for pills any time soon.

I have spent five minutes thinking about what to say here... ten minutes... twenty-five minutes... twenty-six minutes—I give up. I cannot bring myself to say anything because I want to be a positive person, I want to be able to write at the same time as I'm sad, but I can't, I just don't have anything I can share. I'm sorry. I'm going to stop posting photos and short posts until I can finally write something substantial. I need the time off, but um... you'll find me on your Dashboard when I can muster up a good idea.

40 - Stress.

I just got a conditional offer from the University of Kent in the UK, but you know what?

Hip hip no hurray, because I'm damn tired of school. I hate to be a complainer like the rest of them, but I think I deserve the right to rant and protest like an archetypal adolescent after seventeen years of not complaining. I'm so sick of each and every one of my subjects ruining my meals, my sleep, my weekends and my daily livelihood. Why do Hong Kong schools need to be this way? Why do international schools need to be this way? Why does the final year of high school have to be this way? I hate complaining, I hate complaining about this so much because I know it only gets more difficult and pressured in university and at work. So what if I get an offer? I still have to apply for scholarships and student visas. I need to sign up for financial aid thanks to my parents' crummy divorce , familiarize myself with the course, buy new textbooks and get myself a part-time job as soon as possible. When it comes time to leave, I have to make plans to see everybody, I have to make plans to see the right people in the university/country of my choice, say goodbye to everybody and everything I know here, pack up everything in my room to move somewhere else 'cause God knows I can't afford to fly back any time soon. The way life is going to be in the next six to eight months is simply not humane to me.

I don't feel like a robot. I feel more like the living dead, my body's degradation after so many years of attaining education has caused me to become so pessimistic and tired. I want to fall asleep on my own accord, whether it be in bed or on the bus to school or on the plane going to holiday and not have a pen in my hand or my textbook on the floor or my laptop on my lap when I wake up. It kills me that my room is such a mess, with books, sheets and folders lying around everywhere. I'm so worn out and lazy whenever I catch a break that I can't even walk out of my room to dump my school clothes into the laundry basket, or even walk out to throw out the countless boxes and plastic bags that used to contain takeout.

I'm tired of staying up so late trying to slam out 1,500-word essays, only to wake up to 200 words done. I'm tired of waking up at the very last minute, to rush to school, to rush to school to finish those darn essays. I want to take a proper fucking shower, I want there to be enough time to wash my fucking hair. I want time to read and to watch my television series without a pile of homework sitting next to me, without a spreadsheet or a word document open on my monitor. I want time to really spend time with my family and friends. Gosh, I'm not even attending a very important Chinese family gathering because I have to work.

What do I have to work on? Well, let's see... There's the 4000-word essay on Hell that I was meant to finish in September 2008, I have a Math portfolio that isn't a bit of fun at all, there's Theory of Knowledge essay and presentation ideas to come up with, Mandarin group oral as well as a Mandarin essay, the data response I have to do for Economics, as well as two portfolio assessments, an oral commentary for English to prepare, four Chemistry practicals, on the titration curves for four different types of neutralization reactions, the hydrolysis of dihalogenoalkanes and the oxidation states of vanadium, the Chemistry past paper to complete, notes to copy down from Physics and Economics because I missed one lesson of each subject thanks to my oversleeping and another three practicals to write up for Physics, to do with the half-life of brick dust, Planck's constant and the Hertzsprung-Russell diagram, all of which, I'm sorry, might as well be mixed with dry twigs and leaves to make fuel for a bonfire because I don't give two shits about any of it.

I trick myself, my classmates and my teachers into believing so because it's right. What I really care about is my damn happiness, health and well-being and sorry if this sounds shockingly self-centered but I am worried that I do not live happily, healthily or well. I hate complaining about school, I've never believed in complaining about it, but this is what I swallow because I know hatred towards school is not the right mindset for a student. I just need to be more efficient with my work. It's such a pain in the neck, but fine, back to work. If you're going through Hell, keep going, right? That's the motto, so I've heard, on this blog...

Talk to all of you folks later...

4 - What am I doing wrong?

There used to be a time where I was always considered a cocky, self-righteous, self-indulgent, selfish person, and my friends would always tell me to grow up, to be more gentle and generous and basically, be good. Having heard that advice, and having been through long, painful years where I've gradually lost contact with those old friends, I've made new friends since then, and you know, they're kind, and they're friendly, but I'm very unhappy when I'm around them.

In the old days, everything bad that happened to me, I deserved it. Nowadays, everything bad that happens to me, I often think it's my fault, but lately, I've found myself confused, asking myself about what I've been doing to deserve to be so unhappy these past few weeks. I asked people, "What am I doing wrong?", and you know what... you know what the funny thing is? They told me, that I'm "not doing anything wrong".

And that's exactly what I thought, and exactly why I found myself confused, because I'm a big believer in karma. I believe we all get what we deserve. I've grown. I'm more gentle and generous. And I've been told by others that I'm a good, good person deep inside. So even after changing myself to be less arrogant and self-centered, why is it that I'm still unhappy? I ask others this question, and they say something along the lines of: "because that's life" or "because life is not always fair" or "because that's the way the cookie crumbles"... and that just leads me to become even more confused.

I hate being unhappy, and not being able to change myself to perhaps bring about my own joy. I want to know what I'm doing wrong. What am I doing wrong?