137 - At a loss for words

Hi. How are all of you doing?

Just to update you on the new blog that's coming, I haven't done anything yet in the process of creating it. I haven't been that busy, but my mindset isn't and can't be quite focused on that yet. But I think the time off does help with reflection, enables me to take a step back, and see what's going wrong and see what I can do to improve it. So, in the meantime, I'm still considering the exact layout, the style, the feel, the direction, and the content of it, but don't worry, it'll happen eventually.

To be honest with you, I'm at a loss for words right now. Thoughts are coming at me from all directions from the past and the future and the present and I don't really know what to make of them. I wish I could make them cohesive, I wish I could make them a story to tell you. So I'm just going to leave it at that, because the way I'm phased right now is the very reason I don't want to write here. I feel like I've lost my direction, and I feel like I can't gather my thoughts properly anymore.

Maybe you can help improve my currently sombre mood at the moment. Themes that have been cropping up a lot lately are patience and understanding. What if you know that it's impossible for someone to understand you? How are you meant to say 'don't bother' to them politely? What if their misunderstanding causes awkwardness, tension and unhappiness for you? What are supposed to do when someone just doesn't get it?

72 - Taking a break.

Exams are coming up and I need to study hard, with as few distractions as possible. Of course, these diversions aren't limited to blogging, but by taking a break from blogger, I know it'll contribute a little to my focusing on my revision.

I feel quite confident about what I will do in the next month. I'm never one that worries too much about that sort of thing.

The only thing that will really distract me is thinking about my relationships with people. All I've got to do is keep that to a minimum, push those thoughts aside until high school really is over.

I can't wait to leave Hong Kong, but to be honest, I want these last few months to drag out for as long as possible. I am really going to miss the food, and the beaches here, but most important of all, the people.

This is exactly the kind of thing that will distract me for hours.

So, I'm going to end this post here, shut down my computer, take out my maths book, and revise.

I'll be back for a little while everyday, but only for a little while. See you on May 19th or 20th and pray that I get what I deserve. (Don't wish me luck. When the examination paper asks me to explain Faraday's law of induction, I don't want to rely on luck, because I'm not that lucky.)

Bye, friends. Talk to you next time.

12 - In the end, that's death.

This is not my view on death! I wrote this as I was starting a novel (which I didn't continue writing due to writer's block) and it was part of a character's thoughts. I wrote it spontaneously in one of my creative moods. I thought it was worth sharing and that's all. 'Tis not my personal perspective.

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In the end, your eyes might tear from the very idea of leaving your life and this world. You might stay there absorbing the last minutes of your personal environment, whether it be inhaling the smells or listening attentively to the surrounding sound, or perhaps observing things in your proximity, like taking a mental picture of everything around you, or focusing on using your sense of touch as you take in your last breaths, for you might lose that particular sensation altogether once you enter another world.

In the end, you may be lying in your bed, or perhaps a hospital bed, but wherever you are: you will be weak. From the gray hairs on your balding head to the stiff callus on the soles of your feet, the state of every joint, every muscle and every organ in between will all be indications of your body's degradation.

In the end, your lungs will be loose, your kidneys will have shriveled and the cells of your liver will be wrinkled. The surfaces of your eyes and the inner walls of your nasal cavity will be drier than they ever have been in your lifetime. Your eyes will shut from the tiredness and you will remain immobile from now onwards, apart from maybe a slight twitch of the finger or a shrivel of the nose. As you lay there recalling the memories from your past, the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the good and the bad, a few tears may seep through your closed eyelids and trickle down your cheeks from all that reminiscing. As the fabric underneath you dampens, you may suddenly feel it, that moment where your life flashes before your eyes, where you feel every emotion in the book all at the same time while remaining apathetic too, where you feel a final jolt of energy coming from the last pump of your heart and there, you will have experienced your very last experience.

In the end, your heart will stop beating. The combined effect of your lungs and your brain running out of oxygen will render all other organs useless. Your front will go pale. Your back will go dark. Your blood will have trickled downwards to the lower regions of your anatomy. At this point, your thought and your feeling are long gone, which is why you will not feel tense as your muscles stiffen due to the absence of minerals being transported around. Your white cells will have died and your body will lose its capacity to fight off bacteria. For that reason, your body will begin to decompose. Your muscles can relax again, but not in a good way.

In the end, you will die.

In the end, you are dead.

In the end, the people you knew, the people you met and the people you love will come to know that you are dead. Your grandchildren will lose their memory of you sooner than your children, while your children will carry that saddening sense of loss with them everyday. Your friends and your siblings will have died already or they will soon. It is only a matter of time before they no longer think of you on a daily basis and very slowly, you will be forgotten, unless you have done something extraordinary in your lifetime to influence the world. To attain a personal identity like such is rare and the chances are: you do not matter.

In the end, you may be sitting in a heap at the bottom of a vase, or laying in a coffin six feet underground, or scattered in the ocean underneath a cliff. Burned, buried or blown away: wherever you are in the end, that's it.

In the end, that's death.