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Just to update you on the new blog that's coming, I haven't done anything yet in the process of creating it. I haven't been that busy, but my mindset isn't and can't be quite focused on that yet. But I think the time off does help with reflection, enables me to take a step back, and see what's going wrong and see what I can do to improve it. So, in the meantime, I'm still considering the exact layout, the style, the feel, the direction, and the content of it, but don't worry, it'll happen eventually.
To be honest with you, I'm at a loss for words right now. Thoughts are coming at me from all directions from the past and the future and the present and I don't really know what to make of them. I wish I could make them cohesive, I wish I could make them a story to tell you. So I'm just going to leave it at that, because the way I'm phased right now is the very reason I don't want to write here. I feel like I've lost my direction, and I feel like I can't gather my thoughts properly anymore.
Maybe you can help improve my currently sombre mood at the moment. Themes that have been cropping up a lot lately are patience and understanding. What if you know that it's impossible for someone to understand you? How are you meant to say 'don't bother' to them politely? What if their misunderstanding causes awkwardness, tension and unhappiness for you? What are supposed to do when someone just doesn't get it?
As I was saying, getting all of that university stuff out of the way is such a relief. There's a certain lovely feeling you get with relief, the relief of being able to eat after hours food-deprived, when you finally conclude your conclusion of your essay or report, as you're reaching the end of that final downhill rollercoaster ride, and when the buzzer goes off and you win the basketball game by just one point. Relief is that satisfying, calming feeling you get right after you find out that the sky isn't actually falling.
I find that one thing for me that distinguishes a good friend from a great number of acquaintances, or a loving family member from a large number of relatives, is the number of times they provide me with that feeling of relief. Everytime I feel like I'm about to breakdown and submit to the pressures in life, my parents, my family, and my best friends are there to not just tell me that everything's going to be okay, but also explain why and how it will be okay.
It's impossible to be one-hundred percent independent, co-dependency is crucial for anyone who wants to survive. Since the New Year, I've noticed that I have gradually become less reflective and less mindful of myself as I've become more and more entrenched into my studies and the things I have to do. It's mostly because I just have a lot of things to do, that's all. It's simply a matter of not having enough hours in the day to find time to sit back and relax.
Ah, but now I get to do just that for a couple of weeks.
Boy, what a relief it really is.
In two days, my mother is coming from Hong Kong to visit me here in the UK. We're planning to head up to Edinburgh for a couple of days, and booking tickets and accommodation for us has been mentally taxing. In the past few days, I've been trying to research and brainstorm all the things we could do in Scotland and in Kent, and I'm just very, very tired now. You would think that her going to visit one of her old students in Exeter for two days would help lessen the burden, but I actually have a test the day after she comes back. My break-from-Mom gone, just like that. In the next month, I'm also planning to meet up with two of my closest friends, three times, separately, in London. I have two essays due and a lot of computer stuff to do too. I've also had to search for accommodation for next year, and it's been a complete nightmare so far...
I actually have plans to open up another blog... on the 15th of February in fact. On top of getting that ready, I also have to prepare posts on this blog and Do you hate it too? for each day that I'm with my mother, from the 10th to the 20th. It's all just snowballed, and it's all really, really, really working me hard, but I just have to power through it, I guess.
There are two times during the year that have notoriously been very busy times for me. One is around February/March, the other is around May/June. Every year during these times, I'm so, so stressed out and I just cannot feel relaxed. In the past, there have been plays to perform, examinations to take, orals to do, 4,000-word essays to hand in, presentations, reports, and so many birthdays and anniversaries to attend...
I'm so tired. These two times of the year I always see coming my way, but I never have any defense set up to protect myself from it. This year, it's going to change - it has to change. I need to quickly pick up my efficiency so that I can deal with things faster and more effectively, hence prevent stressing myself out during these times again.
And now, I'm a little bit hungry.
Okay, actually, I'm very hungry. So I'm going to go make some pasta. Toodles.
These things can't be planned, and my time management skills have suffered a hit due to it.
There is also the problem of prioritizing in my head. Even though I allotted a time to finish this heap of work later today, I cannot do anything this morning or early afternoon, without worrying about what a heap it really is. I feel like I should probably ditch everything else and get straight to the work, finish it, and then I can go back to my schedule. After all, it's for university, it should take priority.
But after thinking about it, I think it would be better to fight that worry, and learn to let it go until it is the time I set aside for work. Because after all, blogging here, having an hour for lunch, having time to read, and go on Facebook, all of this that I've also set aside time for, is meant to help me achieve some sort of balance between my leisurely and working hours.
And what's stopping me from saying to myself, "Oh, my God, I really want to finish the rest of this book", or "The new episode is finally out, I've got to watch it now!" Those hasty impulses are no different from the work I have to do for university. In the same way, I would be prioritizing the way I want to prioritize it in that moment in time. And by taking that approach, I would then find myself in a situation where I managed to finish reading a book, but completely missed the deadline for my work. Or maybe a situation where I did do all of my work to the best of my ability, but then stayed up later that night to watch that new episode - only to find myself tired and sleepy when I have to get up the next morning.
And so the key to all of this is to just stick with the schedule. Always stick to the schedule that you, in your right mind, had planned for earlier in the weekend, knowing yourself, knowing the kind of person you are and the things you like to do, knowing how lazy you are on Monday evenings, knowing how hard-working you could be on Saturdays after lunch, knowing how much you like to sleep in on Sundays, knowing how long it sometimes takes for you to have dinner, or to log off Facebook once you go on it.
So here is my post for today. It said that I have to today. And now that I'm finished, I have half an hour free. Maybe I could go see what my friend is doing. Or I could get started on my lunch. Have a shower? Do some reading? Get some work done?
Before I even realize it, the schedule will get me to be so efficient that I will then free up a lot of time to actually do whatever, like going out to get drunk, or having a quick nap before a lecture. The golden rule of thumb, I think, is to always follow the schedule.
Now that I'm nearing the halfway point of my day, I can only say that the scale of whether this plan of mine is effective or not, is teeter-tottering on half-working, half-not working, but I think that's to be expected. New Year resolutions don't always come into effect so speedily and personal changes and forces out of habit require time.
Like last year, I said to myself that I would stop being so emotional and learn to handle my impulses a bit better - not to fall in love too hard, not to get angered so easily, not to think about loss and heartbreak and yearning so that I end up in a chronic state of misery, and not to worry about everything so much so that I can enjoy the life I'm living.
Although I made this resolution on January 1st, right after the countdown, it took me until mid-November to really feel settled, calm, and to really feel like a sane, rational person who doesn't let his emotions consume him.
So, although I didn't finish off this blog post two hours ago like I said I would, and although I'm not going to be having lunch now 'cause I just don't feel hungry, at least I got up at 6am, at least I had breakfast at 8, at least I did resist the temptation to go on Facebook before the time I allotted to go there, and so I must thus conclude that it isn't all that bad.
By mid-November, I'll have everything in my life arranged so neatly and to the minute. I'm sure of it. I believe in making your life the way you want it to be. The critical key is to never, ever feel pathetic, and to have confidence in the fact that you can do something for yourself.
I'm going to stop typing like a motivational speaker now.
I didn't allot any time in my schedule for being cheesy and annoying.
And then I feel like my soul is emerging out of my body, and I'm watching myself, criticizing everything I have going on in that moment in time, from what I chose to wear that day, to how high my expectations are for tomorrow, from how yesterday's actions have changed me for better or for worse, to how what I'm doing at that moment in time is relevant and beneficial in the bigger picture called my life.
This out-of-body experience only comes about when I have too much to remember at one time. It's kind of like an automatic system reboot that follows a system overload to prevent it from overheating. I just felt like that a while ago. And I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders right now.
Too often, I burden myself with too much to handle - and I spread myself too thin and end up with a couple pieces of very bland toast. A very good example of this is how I say I will blog everyday, but actually don't because I want to catch up with some television shows. However, I'm still not up-to-date on those because I have some work for university to get done. And I haven't gotten that done yet because I have some personal networking to do on Facebook - catching up with long-time-no-sees and photos to "like" and leave a "comment" under. I haven't got round to that because there are TV reviews to read. I haven't gotten round to that because there are webcomics to catch up with.
But my music playlists need serious updating. And a friend told me to check out this new anime series. Wait, my cousin asked me to read this book. And this other friend told me to watch a series of videos on Youtube. Now, I'm hungry. Now, I feel dirty, let me go take a shower. Now, I'm sleepy, I'm going to go to bed.
Oh, shit, 7am already?
Darn it.
...I didn't get to finish yesterday's blog post.
I seriously need to get more organized.
Or maybe I should throw away some parts of my life.
I don't want to, though. I wish I was more high-powered. I wish I did things more efficiently. There never seems to be enough time in the day...
I'm not that entirely sure of what I should type in this vast, white space that Blogger provides me with to rant, rave and ramble about my personal thoughts and happenings, my mind is quite blank itself, just like the canvas that I now imprint my words on to, empty like the plate I fed myself from an hour or so ago that's now in the dishwasher, cleared and cleaned, leaving the bare china for use once again. But I feel obliged to say something because it is New Year's Eve, and because 2010 arrives at my chronological doorstep in less than three hours.
So, I guess the standard action to take would be to talk about what I've done and learned in 2009. Honestly, I've done and learned a lot, but I don't wish to bore you with the details right now. So perhaps I will just give you a list, because I like lists:
- I turned 18.
- All of my friends turned 18.
- I went through my high school exams.
- I got paid for the first time, working a bartending job.
- I said goodbye to everybody I knew.
- I moved to England, and met a lot of people at university.
- For the first time in a long time, I didn't spend my winter holidays in Hong Kong.
- I found ways to deal with sadness, loneliness and confusing friendships.
- My bond with my parents and my best friend grew even stronger.
- I continued to blog and now have plans to publish a book next May.
2009 could've been a really emotional year. A lot more emotional than it actually turned out to be. But I think I fulfilled the resolution I made last year, which was to learn how to control my emotions, and be more positive in my everyday life. Becoming an official adult meant that I had to stop reacting so childishly and impulsively to bad things happening to me, moving to England and meeting new people tested my inner strength and forced me to find happiness and comfort from within, and working as a bartender in the summer meant that I had to practice customer service and be more tolerant of annoying people.
While going through all of this, I've now found a new set of challenges too. I've found that time management is something I'm really lacking. I don't know how to sort out myself to fit my sleeping time, my working time, my studying time, my socializing time and my relaxing time into the same schedule. With my current prospects to publish a Do you hate it too? book, and manage six or seven blogs by the end of next year, while juggling my second year of university, finding a house to live in next September, and starting to get serious about my trip around the world in seven years, I have to work hard at trying to comprehend the exact essence of which time is.
With the management of time comes the management of my money, my learning capabilities, my priorities, and my sense of responsibility. Basically, my New Year resolution, I think, will be to strive for orderliness and organization in my life.
All the while, making sure I continue to keep my emotions in check, of course. We don't want the past coming back to haunt me.
So, I've already prepared a fairly detailed schedule that gives me space to work, read, sleep, eat, blog, watch TV, and do other useless crap (e.g., Facebook, Sporcle, Twitter, sleep some more...). I'm confident that the schedule will be effective and that the idea of it being a new year, being a new chance, will keep me motivated enough to actually fulfill this resolution like I did with the last one I made.
If you've come over here from Do you hate it too?, once again, I say Happy New Year, my readers.
If you didn't, then I give you a virtual hug and wish you all the best in 2010.
Remember guys, if all is looking glum, there's always a way to work things out. E-mail me if you ever need to. Just keep in mind the message passed down to us by Winston Churchill: If you're going through Hell, keep going.
It's getting to the time of the year where it really is a true testament to how dedicated I really am with my blogging. I said I would write in all my blogs regularly, but the simple fact of the matter is - inspiration and creativity only comes to you in patches, for only certain times in a given day, week, month, year, or point in your life. There's also the added matter of having to live with a billion others things to do as well. Oh, the perilous life of university murders my soul...
I find that I'm feeling really writery (writerish?) right now, so I think the only way I'm ever going to manage getting something published frequently on all three of my current blogs, is if I just prepare posts beforehand right here, right now, as I feel imaginative, innovative, prolific with ideas.
Don't you think that's so smart?
I think it's genius. But whether I'm going to get distracted while I'm in the middle of writing this upcoming week's posts is an issue of concern. Oh, well. Let's see what happens.
I have an aversion to sleep - although, nowadays, I often pass out on my bed anyway - something I didn't do before. Back in my heyday, around four, five, six years ago, I would go on living with around only five hours of sleep per week. I loved to stay up late, I felt so great having so much time to play pointless online games (after completing all of my homework, of course), and read stuff online.
Now, I feel like my quota for time spent awake is finally running low. I can't help but to fall asleep, sometimes at the most obscure and inconvenient times - right before a lecture, right before a party, right before the sun comes up, right before lunchtime. I'm trying to stay awake, and when my mind can't take it any longer, it compels me to draw the curtains shut, turn the lights off, and simply catch some desperately needed rest, whether or not I have somewhere to be in a few hours, regardless of whether or not I believe I'm going to be able to get up later or not. My case is serious, because I will really throw away all of my obligations and responsibilities—my classes, my family time, my job—just to stay in bed another five minutes longer, ten minutes longer, oops, what time is it?... eight hours have gone by?... I'm screwed, might as well go back to sleep... ZZZzzzzzz.........
Honestly, I have Googled ways to increase insomnic ability. It's a little bit sad, and that's right, I call it an ability. Because if I could just push through another few hours without rest each day, I would be able to do so much more. The pile of things I wish I could tend to gets taller and taller everyday, and at an exponential rate. I've been warned before, about how it's bad for my skin, and bad for my eyes, and bad for my brain to stay awake over overly long hours of the day, but I don't care. I want to sleep less. It's only because I used to be the best at it back in the day that makes me stubborn, and in denial of the fact that I'm not the young man I was a few years ago, capable of doing things that my now tired body cannot.
Sigh.
Damnit, it's 3:20 in the morning, but I've got to write something here. I must write something everyday, anything, any little thing will do. And I must read other people's blogs - at least ten - everyday as well. This no-blogging-because-I-now-have-a-job-with-insane-hours thing is getting on my nerves, and I don't want to be the cause of any distress (albeit, only towards myself).
There has been a lot on my mind lately, but I shall bore you with that next time. Right now, I just want to say that life is pretty routine, and I didn't really want it to be so, as I had just graduated from high school.
Instead of waking up everyday to go to school, coming home late and then going to bed, I now wake up everyday to go to work, come home late and go to bed. It's the same thing. Do you notice that?
Only school doesn't take up fifteen hours of my day.
One hour to get to work, then thirteen hours of work with a three hour break somewhere in the midst of that, then an hour to get back home, followed by one hour of settling down when I get home, and two hours worth of time for me to do useless, unproductive shit on my computer until I fall asleep. So, altogether, that makes...
18 hours, leaving six hours for me to sleep. That is, if I actually do spend only two hours worth of time doing meaningless stuff, and if I also go home straight away after work.
I know all this talk about my new bartending job is boring blog material, for both this blog, and Do you hate it too? I know. I know that. There are bigger topics that I could discuss, but I just don't have the energy, I've been awake for forty hours over the past two days. I also feel a bit nauseous, as we bartenders tend to down a few drinks towards the end of the night just to celebrate another day of work surpassed. I actually don't want to drink - believe me, but my coworkers peerly pressurize me into the celebratory spirit.
Oh. This is now long enough. End.
Getting back into blogging is actually harder than I thought it would be, after I previously announced that I would take a break from it five weeks ago, when my exams began. My exams ended two weeks ago, and even then, I just felt uninspired to write anything much. I know in my heart that I do this to give others something to read. For me, I have friends to talk to, to express myself and my thoughts. I don't need a diary, but this is sort of like a diary. But writing, to me, is pointless, if it isn't for others to view. And that's precisely how you found these words.
I guess I felt that what I had to say, or what I could say, in the past two weeks, was not worth mentioning, and was not entertaining. But, tonight, I have a desperate, but composed, compulsion to type something in this white space (pale green on my blog) and publish it. Because I believe I've been delaying getting the ball rolling for this summer of blogging. I don't want to quit. I'm not a quitter.
So let me tell you about what's been going on lately.
I've been watching movies, the popular ones that everybody else has seen but I haven't. I've never watched Star Wars, I've never watched Terminator. I haven't even seen any James Bond films, and I'm going to England in the fall. I need to do this before university begins.
I've also been watching TV series. I've already seen all the episodes of my favorites - Lost, 24, Grey's Anatomy, Heroes, Survivor (these are only five titles, mind you)... but it's been a long time since I've started watching something new. And so I started watching Dexter, and I plan on watching Entourage and How I Met Your Mother, because other people love it and I haven't watched them yet. I also think an Alias and a Sex and the City marathon are much needed, as they are favorites that people are missing now, six, seven years later.
I've been reading, at the moment, The Selfish Gene, by Richard Dawkins. It's for my biological anthropology modules in university, and I've learned quite a bit about DNA and evolution so far (I'm on chapter 4). As for fiction, I'm reading Death at Intervals, by José Saramago, a fantastic Nobel Prize-winning Portugese writer if you haven't heard of him already.
On my list of things to read, The Picture of Dorian Gray, The Analects, Through the Looking Glass, The Phantom of the Opera, Les Misérables, Crime and Punishment, Howard's End, The Origin of Species, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Beowulf, Moby Dick, The Awakening, and many more classics, are waiting for me. I need to read the Twilight saga, as well, because I just don't understand what the fuss is all about.
I also have more anthropology books to get through before I fly off to London. There's Barrett's Culture and Conduct, Edward T.Hall's Beyond Culture, The Silent Language, and the Dance of Life, and Steven Pinker's The Stuff of Thought.
There really isn't enough time in the universe. I would not say no to immortality, because if I lived forever, I could learn forever, I could experience new things forever. I love exposing myself to stuff, and I hope this part of my personality doesn't go away. My friends have told me that it can't go away, and even if I wanted to eradicate it because I might get too tired one day, I wouldn't be able to. It's inborn, it's innate, it's in me. For now, I don't have a problem with that - I love it.
Anyway, this has really made me think about how little time I actually have this summer to do all that I want to do. I'm going to have to stop here, but this is sufficiently long, right?
I've got a party to go to anyway. So, talk to you all later. I'll TRYYYY to stop by your blogs soon, really!
Toodle-loo!
(And in case you're wondering, or if you didn't catch it from what's written above, I'm very happy right now, in a calm and serene way. Summer is great.
Life is great.)
I am not feeling very good right now, I feel like writing about something dark, and sad, something like breast cancer, the Holocaust, child soldiers, infanticide, widowhood or bad crime on the streets of New York, but I have a feeling that would not be well-received... I posted something on death earlier on, and I did not get a lot of comments for it, and that was just a piece of creative writing, not really my thoughts on dying. But anyway, the reason I feel like writing about something extremely disturbing, and grim, is hard for me to put my finger on. You see, I am unhappy. I have heard people refer to this as 'Michael being depressed', but I do not believe I suffer from depression, that is just hyperbole. I am sad, though, but I do not need a doctor to start writing me a prescription for pills any time soon.
I have spent five minutes thinking about what to say here... ten minutes... twenty-five minutes... twenty-six minutes—I give up. I cannot bring myself to say anything because I want to be a positive person, I want to be able to write at the same time as I'm sad, but I can't, I just don't have anything I can share. I'm sorry. I'm going to stop posting photos and short posts until I can finally write something substantial. I need the time off, but um... you'll find me on your Dashboard when I can muster up a good idea.
The impatient pessimists sitting on their high horses all tell me and some of my other friends that we are hopelessly hopeful because new year resolutions never, ever work. They are so sure of themselves, and believe that we will drop our resolutions and live another self-centered year like 2008.
I think resolutions take a bit of time to kick in and to take effect, i.e., it takes a while for one to get used to what he/she has to deal with for the rest of the coming year. One's performance in carrying out their resolutions should not be based on the mere first six days out of 365. We have a long way to go and who knows what will happen. Someone wise and dear to me once said: "Don't sound so confident, Michael."
I point that quote out to all you skeptical, cynical and spiteful folks out there, because it looks like I've found the beginning of the path to my goals for this year. Laid out on the path is my iPod, my laptop with my Dashboard shown on the screen, my textbooks, tens of cartons of instant coffee powder and an assortment of all my favorite foods. On the left-hand side, you will find my family standing there and on the right are all the things I love about Hong Kong alongside this one single road. I've found what I want to do really to achieve my goal. So good for me.
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