137 - At a loss for words

Hi. How are all of you doing?

Just to update you on the new blog that's coming, I haven't done anything yet in the process of creating it. I haven't been that busy, but my mindset isn't and can't be quite focused on that yet. But I think the time off does help with reflection, enables me to take a step back, and see what's going wrong and see what I can do to improve it. So, in the meantime, I'm still considering the exact layout, the style, the feel, the direction, and the content of it, but don't worry, it'll happen eventually.

To be honest with you, I'm at a loss for words right now. Thoughts are coming at me from all directions from the past and the future and the present and I don't really know what to make of them. I wish I could make them cohesive, I wish I could make them a story to tell you. So I'm just going to leave it at that, because the way I'm phased right now is the very reason I don't want to write here. I feel like I've lost my direction, and I feel like I can't gather my thoughts properly anymore.

Maybe you can help improve my currently sombre mood at the moment. Themes that have been cropping up a lot lately are patience and understanding. What if you know that it's impossible for someone to understand you? How are you meant to say 'don't bother' to them politely? What if their misunderstanding causes awkwardness, tension and unhappiness for you? What are supposed to do when someone just doesn't get it?

131 - Alcohol, work and loud music go well together

So, I guess you could say I'm a little bit tipsy. Just had one margarita, but mind you, that stuff is around 30%. I mean, I didn't calculate it properly. 30% just came to the top of my head, it was a guess, an estimate. We don't need to actually calculate it. I mean, we could. Hey, let's calculate it.

According to Wikipedia according to the International Bartenders Association, the standard ratio of a margarita is 7:4:3 for tequilla:Triple Sec:lime juice. Now, I had a 400ml clear plastic cup, so using the same ratio I just mentioned, and converting them into percentages (50%:29%:21%), we can therefore know that we would require 200.0ml of tequilla and 116.0ml of Triple Sec (and therefore 84.0ml of lime juice, by the way). As tequilla is 40% alcohol, that means 80.0ml of alcohol came from the tequilla. That's simple arithmetic. Duh. And as for the Triple Sec, it's 30% alcohol, so 34.8ml of alcohol came from the Triple Sec. (I calculated this in my head by rounding up 116.0ml to 120.0ml so the figures were easier, giving me an alcohol volume of 36.0ml, then I subtracted 30% of the difference that I added [which was 4.0 milliliters], which turned out to be 1.2ml, giving me the final alcohol content in milliliters as 34.8ml.) So if there is 80.0ml and 34.8ml of alcohol, there are 114.8ml, and just doing a quick calculation of 114.8 divided by 400ml, that is roughly 115/400 ml, which is roughly 23/80, which just trust me, is around 0.2875. (If you really want to know how I did that in my head, I basically multiplied both numbers by 1.25, since 80 times 1.25 is 100. This essentially gave me 28.75 when I multipled 23, so all I had to do is move the decimal place back two digits and that was it.) I am now proud to announce that what I drank was 28.75% alcohol. My initial guess of 30% wasn't that far off, was it? Isn't that neat?

You see, alcohol makes my mind run faster, my understanding of everything around me lucid. My perception may be a little bit impaired. I'm sure I wouldn't be able to taste or smell anything if it was pressed up against my face. I can't really feel my legs, but maybe it's because they're crossed. And my arms feel tired, I have no idea why. The only thing that hasn't changed is my level of visual perception. My eyesight is never affected, it's 20/20 vision all the time. As for my hearing, I can't hear a damn thing other than my music. I sure hope there aren't zombie lurking behind me, moaning and roaring at me. I wouldn't be able to smell them or hear them. I also hope that the whole building situated behind me isn't burning in flames. I don't think I would be able to smell or feel that either.

Music is a funny thing. People always ask me what kind of music I like, and I tell them 'Mainstream' is my thing. But I don't think that's what it is. I think I like songs which I know the lyrics to. Maybe because all my favorite songs just happen to be mainstream, that is why I know the lyrics to everything in my iPod. It's easier to practice as it plays in clubs and shops and stuff.

The title of this post is 'Alcohol, work and loud music go well together', because I know that once I've had some to drink, and once I've placed my earphones in my ears and turned up the music to the maximum volume, I become extremely efficient when I work. Alcohol works as some sort of fuel for me. They always say that alcohol doesn't change who you are, it reveals who you are. And perhaps the sober me doesn't like to do anything, doesn't like to work, to be proactive, to be lively, to be talkative, to be ranty. The sober me feels the need to act quiet, repressed, submissive, doesn't want to take chances, risks, initiative, action or a hold of his life.

Maybe the sober me will read this after the hangover and learn something. Good luck, Mike, living the way you do. If your way of living doesn't work out for you, you could always invite me back to be your substitute.

19 - Leave me alone.

What is it about getting other people to understand how we feel that is so important? Why does every single person find themselves, every now and then, in a position where somebody just doesn't understand how we can see things differently to them? What is it about pushing our views on to others that is so satisfying, gratifying, amazingly pleasing?

This is something that I've been thinking about lately because it seems like no matter what I try to do, I can't seem to be able to step in another person's shoes, per se, and make them feel assured because I'm there - to listen, to comprehend and to care. All I can do is try to give them what they want to hear, or show them what they want to see, but do I really know what it's like to be them?

No.

And it's not possible to do so ever. And I feel so damn useless when someone gets disappointed by me, when they think that I'm wrong about the way I see things and when they think that I'm the one that's not accustomed to thinking the way they think, the way it's 'right' to think.

It pains me because I don't go around telling people that they should change the way they are. I don't see why people want me to listen and want my sound advice, if they're not willing to do the same. It seems like no matter how many times I tell people to try and understand me, they go off telling me that I live in my own little world, that I'm self-centered and my views are just so different from the norm as if that's a bad thing. It's my uniqueness that carries me through life. I don't want to be another sheep. How dare somebody tell me that I need to change when it's essentially this character, my judgment and personality, that attracts them to me to ask for advice in the first place.

Why do I always have to be the one that understands you? Why do I always have to be the one that has to change? Is it really so hard for you to accept my quirks and my habits? Is it really so hard for you to understand? Is it really so hard for you to change?

I never ask these questions. You are who you are and you get to be whoever you want to be. Leave me alone. I like living in my own little world. It is what makes me independent, it is what makes me interesting and it is what makes me special.

Leave me the Hell alone.