64 - I quit drinking.

Alcohol and I don't mix well. It brings me down (as a depressant should). Under the influence of alcohol, I'm just incapable of looking on the bright side of things. I'm unable to cheer people up, to give them good advice like I would if I were sober. After a few shots, my mind is just lost in confusion, my heart full of fear.

Someone yesterday told me that they saw a lot of sadness in my eyes. I worry about that because I don't think it's possible to tell if someone's sad by looking into their eyes.

I've been thinking a lot about who I want to be in the future. I've been thinking a lot about who I am now.

Going out drinking and clubbing and partying was never my thing. I always used to power through it, and force myself to drink a range of bitter tasting beverages. I don't know how to dance. I don't like how sweaty I get from bopping up and down after gulping down liters of beer. I don't like margaritas either, my allegedly favorite drink. I hate how vodka makes my throat feel dry. Tequilla and gin are no better. I dislike the taste of spirits mixed with anything. Olives are mushy and bland. And I am sick of picking at mixed nuts.

I've been cheating myself, and others, into thinking I do this sort of thing. I've been tricking myself for a long time.

And yesterday, after drinking a bit, I thought about what I want to be when I grow up.

And the one thing I don't want to grow up to be is my father, and if there's anything he's notorious for, it's his drinking habits. My experiences in the past three or four years have shown me that no good can come out of consuming alcohol. It has always, always depressed me, leaving me saddened at the end of the night.

So, as of today, I quit. I'm going to be sober, at least for a while. There will be no exceptions whatsoever, my birthday, my graduation, nothing. It won't be easy, and I'll need people to back me up on this and support me, because I now know a ton of people around me that have just begun to love drinking or already do. I just hope everyone can get behind me on this, and won't apply peer pressure on to me and make me break my self-promise.

Really, my head has had enough headaches, my throat has had enough of that toxic substance trickling through it. I hate it, and I've had enough.

As of today, I quit drinking.

I quit drinking.

21 - Giving up and swallowing the emotions.

You are bound to experience the ever-changing and complex nature of emotions whenever you’re betrayed, hurt, taken by surprise, provoked, abused, or perhaps by a stroke of luck, when someone loves you. People can make you feel all sorts of feelings, whether it be glad or depressed, outraged or frightened, comfortable or highly neurotic. It doesn’t matter whether we’re black or white or yellow, whether we’re in a low, an average or a high social class, whether we were just born into this world, about to leave it, or we're somewhere in between, whether we like to eat nothing but expensive caviar or whether we like to slit our wrists, whether we're personable and likable or rude and rebellious, no matter what our political standpoints, backgrounds, thoughts, morals, dreams and goals or our personality are. We all feel emotions. It's a given.

A lesson we all have to learn is how, when and with whom you need to swallow these emotions. You have to withstand the temptation to express your feelings at some points, even when it annoys you, even when it hurts you deep inside.

We have to learn to swallow them for the benefit of everyone, to save ourselves from embarrassment, to withhold a reputation or an appearance, to avoid argument, to calm ourselves down, to spare someone’s feelings, or to perhaps prevent further sad reminiscence or grief. We keep them in because not everybody can handle the honest truth. We keep them in because it’s not necessarily 'healthy' for you, or for anybody else. We keep them in to protect ourselves from all the people that will abuse you, betray you or deceive you. We keep them in for many different reasons. Sometimes, we almost need to keep them in just as much as we need to, in other times, express them.

I hold them in because I know it’s pointless to express them. I feel hopeless wherever I sit, with whomever I see and whenever I hear the selfish, unripe thoughts of those that are close to me. It’s hopeless asking for more. It’s futile wanting something more than nothing. Expressing yourself seems overrated to me.

It’s over, my heart is broken and I give up. I'm giving up on revealing to you honestly why I care for you, what I truly want from you, and how I'm hurt by you. I give up asking for what I want. I’m done with being disappointed, underwhelmed and feeling unappreciated and lonely. I’m going to keep them in until we leave. I know I need to learn how to control them with you. I know I need to learn whenever I’m around you. All I need to learn is how to withstand the temptation to be drawn to you, to give you second chances, to let you share with me the reasons why I should continue trusting you with my heart. I'm giving up the whole sharing thing now, because you don't make me feel wanted. Conversely, that's all I ever try to convey to you, that I want you by my side, that I need you. I've given up doing all that now. I'm sick of being a relationship tutor. I've given up and I'm never going back, even when it annoys me...

...even when it hurts me deep inside.