73 - Birthday planning is fun.

I'm still on study leave at the moment, exams start on May 4th. Of course the occasional distraction is inevitable in this feels-like-forever time span, and so in the past week, a lot of exciting planning has been going on between me and my friends whenever we close our books for a break.

My real birthday is May 30th (mark it on your calendars folks!), but unfortunately, our graduation ball/prom takes place on May 29th. I'm sure we'll be too hungover to celebrate on the actual date... plus, I have two families that really want me to devote my real 18th birthday to their side. Between my mother and my father, I haven't decided which one yet, but I'm thinking I'll give it to my mother. She's been quite short-tempered lately... maybe she's newly menopausal, or exam time has taken a toll on her mind as well (because she's an English teacher).

So, instead, I'm having a party on May 22nd. In fact, I'm sharing it with two of my friends, who have their birthdays lie unfortunately on dates with exams. They're two of my closest friends in the class, and so this joint party for three is going to be really special, and highly anticipated.

I've already plans to do stuff on the 24th, 26th, 28th, 29th, 30th and 31st as well. Turning 18 is a lot busier and a lot less cool than I thought, 'cause it's like everyone knows how great it feels and wants me to have a good time, too. Honestly, I'd rather lie on the beach for the entire week in the sun... but I'll attend every buffet, every house party, every dinner, every gathering, and every night out, for them. Because they love me.

I just booked the table for our birthday party for three. Around twenty-five people should be attending, it's a nice Australian-style restaurant, with fabulous steak, called 'Outback Steakhouse'. You can check out the food menu and the drinks menu if you fancy a drooling session. I seriously can't wait to celebrate, not only my birthday, but my two close friends' birthdays. We will also rejoice in the conclusion of our exams, of high school, of everything we've been doing in the past eighteen years.

It's so great.

And afterward, I know, and they know, and God knows we'll go get really drunk.

I always love that ending.

Anyway, I must get back to my maths books (or fall asleep lying on top of and underneath them). I'll come back and tell you how the exams are going after I've done one or two or a few. :)

I really miss blogging, but I'm surviving. See you later, people!

64 - I quit drinking.

Alcohol and I don't mix well. It brings me down (as a depressant should). Under the influence of alcohol, I'm just incapable of looking on the bright side of things. I'm unable to cheer people up, to give them good advice like I would if I were sober. After a few shots, my mind is just lost in confusion, my heart full of fear.

Someone yesterday told me that they saw a lot of sadness in my eyes. I worry about that because I don't think it's possible to tell if someone's sad by looking into their eyes.

I've been thinking a lot about who I want to be in the future. I've been thinking a lot about who I am now.

Going out drinking and clubbing and partying was never my thing. I always used to power through it, and force myself to drink a range of bitter tasting beverages. I don't know how to dance. I don't like how sweaty I get from bopping up and down after gulping down liters of beer. I don't like margaritas either, my allegedly favorite drink. I hate how vodka makes my throat feel dry. Tequilla and gin are no better. I dislike the taste of spirits mixed with anything. Olives are mushy and bland. And I am sick of picking at mixed nuts.

I've been cheating myself, and others, into thinking I do this sort of thing. I've been tricking myself for a long time.

And yesterday, after drinking a bit, I thought about what I want to be when I grow up.

And the one thing I don't want to grow up to be is my father, and if there's anything he's notorious for, it's his drinking habits. My experiences in the past three or four years have shown me that no good can come out of consuming alcohol. It has always, always depressed me, leaving me saddened at the end of the night.

So, as of today, I quit. I'm going to be sober, at least for a while. There will be no exceptions whatsoever, my birthday, my graduation, nothing. It won't be easy, and I'll need people to back me up on this and support me, because I now know a ton of people around me that have just begun to love drinking or already do. I just hope everyone can get behind me on this, and won't apply peer pressure on to me and make me break my self-promise.

Really, my head has had enough headaches, my throat has had enough of that toxic substance trickling through it. I hate it, and I've had enough.

As of today, I quit drinking.

I quit drinking.

30 - It all ends here and now.

I'm back from my vacation in China and I've done the whole countdown thing. It's twelve hours into 2009 and it doesn't feel much different.

I was going to write a post yesterday night in the early hours of New Year's Day. I was inebriated from the party. I know my thoughts are clearer when I'm drunk. When I say this, I mean my inner feelings, and what I want deep inside seems more evident when I've had some alcohol. Whether I would have been able to describe those inner emotions in words is another matter, but nonetheless, yesterday night, in my head, everything was so clear, everything filed in neat compartments in my mind. That's the kind of thing I see when I'm drunk. I see everything organized, structured and less confused. I hate messes. I hate eating spaghetti for this reason. I like lasagna. The layers. The procedure in making it is so methodical. And now I'm hungry.

But before I digress any further, or go out for lunch, I want to write about last night.

New Year's Eve is interesting, to say the least. Everything's awkward at first as people arrive, as people scan the room quickly to see who made it, as people greet each other politely and observe how formal everyone else has dressed. People stare at the stranger friend if there is one. People inquire about the liquor available for the rest of the evening. They laugh if the class clown makes a joke - whether it's funny or otherwise. They ask each other how their Christmas went. They want to watch a movie, they want to play the Wii, they want to listen to music, anything to escape the first few minutes where everything is awkward, where everything isn't celebratory yet. But one thing is for sure, we know we are all meant to be happy. It isn't the time to be angry or miserable because it's New Year's Eve, goddamnit! We want to meet 2009 with smiles on our faces, with laughter in the air, with warmth kindled by each of our friendships and our collective class spirit.

Although it's awkward at first, we then all sort of melt into it. The caps come off the drinks, the movie's on and people no longer talk about how their Christmas went because that's in the past. 2009 is approaching and so we talk about the future. Our new year resolutions and where we all plan to go for university.

On New Year's Eve, everything is in this weird transitory Limbo where the present time doesn't really matter. We only concern ourselves with the 365 days we call "two-oh-oh-eight" and the 365 days we call "two-oh-oh-nine". We don't care about the 'now' on New Year's Eve. That's why we drink. That's why we smoke. That's why a guy would wear a girl's jacket, and why a girl can wear two-inch heels. That's why we scream off rooftops. That's why we hug whoever is there, or accept a hug from whoever offers it. That's why the dancers stretch their muscles in their tight jeans. That's why the guys give each other piggyback rides. That's why we all make stupid faces in photos. That's why we just don't care. We don't care that we're alone, angry, let down, rejected, out of place, insignificant or heartbroken because it's the New Year, damn it. Nothing matters because it's time for a change. Because we all have had our setbacks, our pitfalls, our mistakes, our tears and our troubles in 2008. It all changes after we count down to zero. It all ends here and now.

But then comes the real test. After the countdown. What do you do? Be sad that it's over? Be thoughtful and apathetic? Be happy and hopeful? Because that's what we all have to face. You can be the guy who leaves the party with a frown. You see everything wrong with your life on a dirty platter in front of you and you sigh, you cry and you feel the same as you did the miserable night before. You can also be the guy that leaves the party with your composure, a neutral view toward the party and a lot of thought. Emotions aren't there, it's just reason. You just like to reflect. If those two aren't for you, you can be the guy that leaves joyous with faith, who looks at the new year as a golden opportunity where dreams and goals can be achieved, where love can be felt and bliss can surround you.

Who do I want to be this year, or on New Year's Day? That's what you have to ask yourself after the countdown.

For me, it was strange. At first, I was sad that it was over. Then I was thoughtful and apathetic. I went to bed and woke up happy and hopeful. I feel like Dante in The Divine Comedy, going from Hell, through Purgatory and on to Heaven. I confess: I did leave the party crying. I missed the friends that weren't there, and when I left, it hurt to leave the friends that were there. But I left because it hurt to remain there as well. It hurt because I felt alone, even in a crowd. I felt out of place, like I should have been somewhere else. Like nobody wanted me there.

I left the party crying. So what? I called a friend. She brought me to Purgatory, where sadness slowly turned to a hopeful outlook on things. It allowed me to wake up feeling like this. Not happy necessarily, but content, restive and peaceful. Things have changed and I won't live like I did last year. That all ends here and now. (It's cool that I get to say 'last year' for the first time.)

I have been saying that for two weeks now. It all ends here and now. What exactly does that mean?

Well, I've made my resolutions, and I'm going to try my best to stick to them. 2008 was tiring.

Very tiring. And I think my resolutions will allow me to get some rest.

You see, people have told me that I am too negative, pessimistic, cynical and/or misanthropic and this has led to my exhaustion. I have to disagree. As I said in my introduction on Do you hate it too?, I like to think of myself as critical and observant. That is all.

Because I can also see beauty. I can experience joy, especially with the people I love. But I'm sorry, I like to fix things. I like to solve problems and only by identifying the flaws around me, I can then find answers to difficult questions. I will always be critical of others, judgmental and a keen observer. That will never change. But it was putting my emotions into my criticism that drove me to exhaustion. Not just negative emotions, but positive ones as well have led to my downfall. Seeing too much beauty in other people made me lust, yearn and care for people 'til my time and energy was wasted, until other people got sick of it. And seeing too many flaws in other people made me unappreciative, selfish, mean and disdainful. Controlling these emotions and my own personality is something I need to learn to make myself a better life.

I've been through Hell. Now, I'll keep on going. It's the foundation of this blog. It's my philosophy (and Winston Churchill's, of course). I want to live happier. I'll readjust myself to make that happen. Hell (Hell, I tell you!) ends here and ends now!