74 - Just a tiny bit tired of waiting...

Everybody around me knows that whether or not I'm funny on any particular day, at any particular moment, depends on my mood there and then. Everyone knows I'm only talkative when I feel like it, everyone knows I'll only lend a helping hand when I think life is great.

Why do I have these rapid mood swings? How is it possible for me to be fucking ecstatic one day, and drastically miserable the next day, hopelessly gawking at a person I admire in one hour, and viewing him as a total douche the next hour, and to be completely angry at someone one minute, and totally forgiving the next?

But you know, I would never give up my personality. People think it's interesting, and I think it entertains me too. It just gets a tad bit on my nerves sometimes. As well as those of others.

I just found out someone I knew blogged as well. She's quite close to me, and I found out that in her blogs (as I was snooping around through the archives), she mentions the search for love, and the battle against loneliness, predominantly.

My search for Somebody has always been there in my heart. But my head tells me to just wait.

Just wait... wait for that Special Someone Out There For Me.

I just wish I could know now where that person is. I wish I could learn when and where I will meet him or her. I want to know how much longer I freakin' need to wait.

1 - I cannot wait.

Finally, here comes the dawn of my new blog, prompted by the impersonality I felt while writing my other one, Do you hate it too?

So, as I sit here, at six in the morning, before I head off for another week of school, I'm thinking about how I'm seventeen years old, how I'm in my last year of school, and how in seven months time, everything I've done for eighteen years will all be over. I can't wait to go to university and a lot of my friends think the same way.

For me, though, it's the independence that I so strongly seek, and the unknown that I'm so eager to discover. I want to move to a new place, study in a new school, meet new people, all that good stuff that you hear about. I mean, it's new, and it's exciting, you don't know what's going to happen. I so badly want to know where I will be in a year's time, but I am alright with not knowing. I know that I'll find out soon enough. By then, I will be thinking, "wow, time goes by so quickly". But I really cannot wait to test myself. Test my ability to cope, and to see what my adult self is like. I can't wait, I can't wait, I cannot wait.

Time here in Hong Kong for all my life has been long and hard, to say the least. There are so many things that I have gone through that I would never mention anywhere on the Internet, but they have shaped me, they have helped to influence me into the person I am. There are good memories as well, of course. They are good and I miss them so badly. I miss my childhood naivety, things used to be so easy then. The things I took for granted as a child have all become sort of like burdens in my teenage life. Family, friends, school.

I cannot take away my past. I cannot take away the fact that I have lived here all my life. I love this place that foreigners know as 'Hong Kong'. To me, it's really my home. I know it so well. I can live in it so well. But it's the comfort and the homeliness that makes me uneasy. I need to leave this place to discover a new me, a better me. I need to leave. It makes me nauseous to think that I have to stay here any longer. I love it, but I must leave it. Such conflicting feelings are hard to swallow.

I can't wait to leave.