134 - Relief

For those of you who have stopped by to just find nothing here, I am so sorry to have abandoned you like that. It's been a busy week with an important essay due and a test to take, but all of that is behind me now, and I've had thirteen hours of sleep since all the craziness ended because I was utterly exhausted from all the work and reading I had to do. It is such a relief, and I should be rocking the blogging world for the remainder of March or so, on all four of my blogs, so you can look forward to that just as I am looking forward to writing them and reading your comments.

As I was saying, getting all of that university stuff out of the way is such a relief. There's a certain lovely feeling you get with relief, the relief of being able to eat after hours food-deprived, when you finally conclude your conclusion of your essay or report, as you're reaching the end of that final downhill rollercoaster ride, and when the buzzer goes off and you win the basketball game by just one point. Relief is that satisfying, calming feeling you get right after you find out that the sky isn't actually falling.

I find that one thing for me that distinguishes a good friend from a great number of acquaintances, or a loving family member from a large number of relatives, is the number of times they provide me with that feeling of relief. Everytime I feel like I'm about to breakdown and submit to the pressures in life, my parents, my family, and my best friends are there to not just tell me that everything's going to be okay, but also explain why and how it will be okay.

It's impossible to be one-hundred percent independent, co-dependency is crucial for anyone who wants to survive. Since the New Year, I've noticed that I have gradually become less reflective and less mindful of myself as I've become more and more entrenched into my studies and the things I have to do. It's mostly because I just have a lot of things to do, that's all. It's simply a matter of not having enough hours in the day to find time to sit back and relax.

Ah, but now I get to do just that for a couple of weeks.

Boy, what a relief it really is.

120 - Why I solve my own problems

Throughout the course of my life, I have gradually gravitated towards an independent, individualistic way of life. I stand on my own two feet and face the world alone, most of the time, on my own accord. I don't ask for help, I refuse to admit I need help, even in the most drastic of conditions. If a problem is presented in front of me, you can be sure that I will try any and every possible way in my physical and mental capacity to solve that dilemma. If the issue persists, but I have the time to, I will venture to learn the skills, whether they be technical or cognitive, to do so on my own.

I hate to admit defeat. I am a competitive person. I want to reach the top.

And I don't ever want to ask for people to support me on my way. It would take away from my personal glory, my own accomplishments in life.

However, people like my mother and a few good buddies of mine have helped me throughout my entire life. They've stuck by me through thick and thin, in both times when I was very sure of who I was, and times when I was lost and confused. At this stage in my life, they only know all too well to simply wait for me to ask them for help if I need it. I manage to find trust in them somewhere inside me because they've proven for years that they can help me. I ask them because I'm not afraid of being disappointed by them. They live up to their roles as my closest family and friends.

At university, let's just say that there are a group of people that I have been trying to work with for the past four months to bring together something really fun, really educational, and really good. I put my heart and soul into this little project, and on my return to university from my winter holidays, I was extremely, extremely disappointed to find out that the other people in this group just didn't want to do it anymore. They gave up. And they don't give a rat's ass about what I feel.

And that is exactly why it is so hard for me to trust and depend on people I've just met. I cannot tell you how many times I've been disappointed by the people around me. Too often in my life, different people have done things to demonstrate how they are just so flawed and unworthy of my trust. I wish people kept the same personalities throughout your entire time of knowing them. But the real world makes it work differently. Friends become enemies, and enemies become friends. A social life filled with good friendships is a slippery slope on the summit of a mountain, and although reaching the highest point on that mountaintop gives you a great sense of pride, the natural inclination is to go downwards, because hiking up to the peak requires too much hard work.

One of these days, I'm going to stop giving new people I meet a chance. One of these days, I won't trust anyone new ever to help me with certain matters,  because I feel like nobody can get things done right besides me. I'll ponder this a bit more - and I'm sure I'll come to some conclusion as to why I should give people chances.

But for now, for just these next few minutes, I want to be mad - mad at the people who let me down, mad at the inconsiderate, self-indulgent, power-hungry people that don't even care. It's not fair. It's not right.

1 - I cannot wait.

Finally, here comes the dawn of my new blog, prompted by the impersonality I felt while writing my other one, Do you hate it too?

So, as I sit here, at six in the morning, before I head off for another week of school, I'm thinking about how I'm seventeen years old, how I'm in my last year of school, and how in seven months time, everything I've done for eighteen years will all be over. I can't wait to go to university and a lot of my friends think the same way.

For me, though, it's the independence that I so strongly seek, and the unknown that I'm so eager to discover. I want to move to a new place, study in a new school, meet new people, all that good stuff that you hear about. I mean, it's new, and it's exciting, you don't know what's going to happen. I so badly want to know where I will be in a year's time, but I am alright with not knowing. I know that I'll find out soon enough. By then, I will be thinking, "wow, time goes by so quickly". But I really cannot wait to test myself. Test my ability to cope, and to see what my adult self is like. I can't wait, I can't wait, I cannot wait.

Time here in Hong Kong for all my life has been long and hard, to say the least. There are so many things that I have gone through that I would never mention anywhere on the Internet, but they have shaped me, they have helped to influence me into the person I am. There are good memories as well, of course. They are good and I miss them so badly. I miss my childhood naivety, things used to be so easy then. The things I took for granted as a child have all become sort of like burdens in my teenage life. Family, friends, school.

I cannot take away my past. I cannot take away the fact that I have lived here all my life. I love this place that foreigners know as 'Hong Kong'. To me, it's really my home. I know it so well. I can live in it so well. But it's the comfort and the homeliness that makes me uneasy. I need to leave this place to discover a new me, a better me. I need to leave. It makes me nauseous to think that I have to stay here any longer. I love it, but I must leave it. Such conflicting feelings are hard to swallow.

I can't wait to leave.