95 - On being lazy

When was the last time you finished a book?

The last time I did was over a month ago, and I find that's quite a shame. There's so much to get done here at university, that you don't even realize the days are flying by. It's already nearing November, and I haven't done any studying of any kind, I haven't started on any essays, I haven't found a part-time job, and I don't know - it seems like I haven't done anything except buy food, eat the food, go to sleep, relax in my room and engage in unproductive shenanigans on the computer.

I'm going to have to start getting serious, first, by tidying up my messy room with books, papers, and food spread out all over the desk, the nightstand, the shelves and the floor. Then, take some clothes to the laundry, and iron the clothes that came out of the laundry over a week ago.

Poo.

90 - A chance at love

University is a whole mess of food, drugs, music, sex, relationships, friends and strangers, laughter and tears, kissing and drinking, dancing and groping, randomness, and a little four-letter word, namely Love. It happens rapidly, it happens to just about anyone, it happens everywhere we go, especially in university where all of us have left our homes and our respective high schools, to have a great time, to take hold of the responsibility of taking care of ourselves, and to find what makes us happy - whether it's in terms of our academic interests, the clubs and activities we have a desire to participate in, the careers we have dreamed of all our lives and finally are able to pursue, and of course, the chance to discover like-minded people in an environment that's specifically designed and used for an integrated timetable of education, employment and entertainment, together amongst a diverse deluge of young, passionate, and fun-loving people, from around the world.

Finding like-minded people can be an intricate process for a lot of people. Some people have no problem falling into the arms of another upon meeting them, the fantasy story of love at first sight compels them to simply let loose, float about, and allow the tide of love and life to wash them away wherever the current may bring them.

But for me, it is something of difficulty. It takes a lot of time for me to learn to trust someone. It takes some time for me to get used to people before I can begin to like them. I haven't found someone here after two weeks, but it seems like almost everybody else has paired up already, leaving me the sole soldier on the peripheries of the social circles. I know this is because I am simply not daring enough to take the initiative, to ask people for their names, numbers and perhaps a bit of background.

I wonder all the time, why this has always been the case - why I am not interested in others at first, and I've realized that it is because I like getting the attention first. It makes me self-centered, an attention-seeking kind of guy, and it sort of sucks because I'll never find anyone to be with as long as I retain this problematic attitude.

But I want to be given a chance to be in a relationship with somebody. It has been so long since I have been, and I wonder if it has changed. I love the feeling of devotion, and the pride in being somebody's #1, in being loyal, in being one of a pair, in being ______ and Michael together.

I hate seeing everybody getting Facebook-married, I hate seeing them hold hands, I hate hearing them have sex at night, I hate feeling intrusive and out of place when I'm in the company of a couple.

It's going to take some time for me to readjust my position in social interactions, but I've got to make myself a more approachable and gutsy man before I can be deemed dateable. I've got to stop being so self-involved, if I ever am going to get that chance of experiencing falling in love with someone successfully again.

89 - What's my plan?

To be honest, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with a bachelor's degree in anthropology when I am awarded with it three years from now (with a specialization in European anthropology at that, by the way - it's a fancy course). About a year ago, I was pretty sure that this choice I made would contribute to a certain dream I had when I was a kid. I've said before that I want to be a top-class forensic anthropologist in the future, I've said I wanted to start my own homemade-style-of-cooking restaurant when I turn 21, I've said I wanted to go on a trip around the world with my best friend when I'm 25, and be sure to hit every single country on the planet while I'm at it. I've said before that I want to start settling down with someone when I'm roughly 28, have a kid or two before I'm 30, all the while keeping to my studies in English language, physiotherapy, and philosophy, while also working a full-time job as a forensic science anthropologist, maybe part-time teaching English, biology, or psychology. In addition to that, I will still have that restaurant, and by the time I'm 40, I will have opened up a café, a bar, a deli, and a nightclub, as well. As my kids start considering colleges while I'm roughly 45, I will already have a PhD in forensic science, and a handful of other qualifications in biological and social anthropology, English language, and business management. Even though it will be a high mountain to climb when I'm nearing 50, I will finally take up a medicine course, a dream I had since I was 15 but knew I didn't have the time, money or mindset to accomplish until I was much older. I will specialize in psychology, and have experience in pediatrics, Chinese medicine, neurology and mental health by the time I'm 60. Soon after I attain my second PhD, in psychology, I will leave my responsibilities at the hospital somewhere before 65 years old. I will be the owner of a dozen dining and drinking venues by then, I will reignite the candle that is my passion for travel, and I will continue to contribute to the world by enlightening those who wish to be talked to, at universities, hospitals, schools of business, private offices, high schools, medical schools, museums, libraries, and in lecture halls, classrooms, and anthropological, biological, psychological, and social research facilities, all over the US and the UK, Switzerland, Germany, Canada, China, Australia, Russia, and my childhood home, Hong Kong.

That is the brief plan that I've had in my head for a long time, and it feels good to have it all condensed into a paragraph as shown above, for my own reference, for my own reflection, for my own guidance, because it's a very big dream - a very, very, big dream that I'm now looking at as I sit here, barely started with my undergraduate course, at the beginning of my adulthood, at the beginning of the long lines of education and career that I will have when I die, and I'm now asking myself: How am I supposed to start a restaurant when I'm 21, and what am I supposed to do with a bachelor's degree in anthropology? How am I supposed to make my next step?

I will not accept advice from others, telling me that I'm still young, that I shouldn't think so much about the future because I will be disappointed, because I can never live in the moment, because it's unhealthy, and obsessive, and way over my head. I will not take suggestions from others, telling me that I should tone down my aspirations, because they're too big for me to handle. I will be sure to pace myself, and I will think about it as long and as seriously as I have to, to make sure this brief outline of my entire life for the next fifty years becomes my reality.

Now that that's understood, I would just like to confess that right now, I have no idea how to answer those two questions up there. That's all I'm saying - I'm slightly confused now. But I guess that's why it's a good thing that I have quite a while 'til I turn 21 and graduate with that anthropology degree, 'til I must pick a direction in which to steer.

Life is short, and life is long, life is what you make of it, and to live every second of it like it's your last is recommended. That's my uncouth, prosaic, and admittedly befuddling conclusion to this rambling for now.

What about you? Got any big plans for the future?

88 - University is nice

University life is not that radically different from the life I led back in Hong Kong. My friends all tell me how great it is to finally live beyond the smothering, overly restrictive hold of their parents, how wonderful it finally is to be free. But I've always had kind of a free lifestyle (whether that's a good or bad thing is unclear), so I don't really feel much change. I've always been able to do whatever I want, eat what I want, make friends with whoever I want, without anybody ever telling me what I should or shouldn't do.

This makes my journey of life a big trial-and-error process. That's the way I don't necessarily prefer to live my life - simply, it is the way I have done so, to feel accomplished after logically working out a suitable solution to my problems, and to feel humbled and enlightened when my thought-up solution turns out to be not that suitable.

So far, I have been eating a lot of microwave meals and junk food in the past two weeks. Whenever I sense a sore throat coming, I purchase a ready-to-eat, dielectrically heatable soup - which should be healthier, and good for my throat. I drink it, and the soreness wears away. Laundry has been easy, I've just followed the instructions on the box - no white clothes coming out colored is a WIN for me. Ironing has gone successfully as well - thanks to instructions and tutorials on Youtube and DIY websites that I simply Googled. And lecture theaters have been easy to locate. I was always good at reading maps. And having a good directional sense in the absence of one.

Life is nice. I decide what I eat. I'm learning what I want to learn. I truly have my own room, which I decorate and keep clean myself. I join the clubs and societies I have a passion for. I might get a part-time job soon - bartending or waiting, of course. I have so much time to do whatever I want, to read, to watch television series and review them, to write, to explore this new place, and to just think to myself - there has been a lot of time to myself. This amount of independence is certainly a step above what I had in Hong Kong.

And it feels incredibly good.

87 - A page from the diary

The UK is not as glamorous as I hoped it would be. It's hoped for, but also expected. And it's just as well. There is no need for me to get caught up in my foolish fantasies of a brand new sparkling study environment in England. At the moment, I can't say that I miss home terribly, but then again, I am unable to say that I am happy to be here either.

The trip was long, but not that I'm complaining. New Zealander air service is pretty good, very hospitable. Their meals weren't stellar or very filling, but at least it was tasty enough, and at least it was food.

I was admittedly too mindful of everything important to do with my time and my money and my traveling that I did not fully appreciate Heathrow Airport or the London underground. I wish we had the time for me to walk a bit slower, and to speculate on Britishness at my own pace, but the friend who welcomed me at the airport, and myself, were too time-pressed, and it was impossible for me to mentally gather my comments on every little thing. I wish we had the time to maybe surface to the streets of London and have a look around. I guess I'll have to find the time alone one weekend to explore London town.

But I really think I should start memorizing the Canterbury region first as best I can, like the badass motherfucker-rememberer I was back in Hong Kong.

The first thing I noticed as I stepped out of the Arrivals gate is that everybody is very English. I guess that's a stupid thing to say, as England is obviously going to seem very English, but it's a fact nonetheless that I took note of in my head as I was making my way to Canterbury. I wish I could put my finger on why that was so noticeable to me initially, but I think summarizing the entire British population's behavior in one specific description is too tricky a task.

Anyway, the dormitory room that I am staying in is really standard. There is nothing special about it, and it will need a lot of touching up in order to make it feel like home. At least I've got beer coasters from my first job, and photos of my family and friends, to pin to my cork noticeboard and remind me of where I came from. I miss my old bartending job. I suppose I will feel differently and a bit better once lectures begin and I can then focus my mind on a routinely focusable process once more.

This room needs books most of all. I can already feel my IQ dropping as I lie in this bare room with empty excuses for bookshelves.

I wish I had someone I knew with me to experience this with. I guess loneliness and acceptance of always being on my own will be something I'll learn really quickly, lest I might enter a state of depression.

Ultimately, though, I like the internal struggle I have going on inside me. It is difficult to be here, to have traveled here all by myself, to study and to live here, and to make a helluvan effort to meet new people and socialize, but it's all towards this bigger, more important goal.

I am not living in reality anymore.

I am living my dream.

54 - Good news about university!

I already was having a perfectly lovely day today, but the icing on the cake was the moment I got home, checked my e-mail, and saw that I received an offer from a university. I clicked on several links, and soon enough, I found out I was given a conditional offer from University College London (UCL).

UCL is one the most prestigious schools in the UK, and the world, especially in the field of anthropology, the field of study I would like to pursue. Three months ago, I thought applying there was a long shot, but I wanted to take the shot nonetheless, because UCL could stand as my ideal institution.

As of now, my decision is to head to the UK, live in the heart of London, and study at UCL, this fall. I'm really excited.

I feel ecstatic that I got in. I hope all you bloggers out there get what you've been hoping for too.

1 - I cannot wait.

Finally, here comes the dawn of my new blog, prompted by the impersonality I felt while writing my other one, Do you hate it too?

So, as I sit here, at six in the morning, before I head off for another week of school, I'm thinking about how I'm seventeen years old, how I'm in my last year of school, and how in seven months time, everything I've done for eighteen years will all be over. I can't wait to go to university and a lot of my friends think the same way.

For me, though, it's the independence that I so strongly seek, and the unknown that I'm so eager to discover. I want to move to a new place, study in a new school, meet new people, all that good stuff that you hear about. I mean, it's new, and it's exciting, you don't know what's going to happen. I so badly want to know where I will be in a year's time, but I am alright with not knowing. I know that I'll find out soon enough. By then, I will be thinking, "wow, time goes by so quickly". But I really cannot wait to test myself. Test my ability to cope, and to see what my adult self is like. I can't wait, I can't wait, I cannot wait.

Time here in Hong Kong for all my life has been long and hard, to say the least. There are so many things that I have gone through that I would never mention anywhere on the Internet, but they have shaped me, they have helped to influence me into the person I am. There are good memories as well, of course. They are good and I miss them so badly. I miss my childhood naivety, things used to be so easy then. The things I took for granted as a child have all become sort of like burdens in my teenage life. Family, friends, school.

I cannot take away my past. I cannot take away the fact that I have lived here all my life. I love this place that foreigners know as 'Hong Kong'. To me, it's really my home. I know it so well. I can live in it so well. But it's the comfort and the homeliness that makes me uneasy. I need to leave this place to discover a new me, a better me. I need to leave. It makes me nauseous to think that I have to stay here any longer. I love it, but I must leave it. Such conflicting feelings are hard to swallow.

I can't wait to leave.