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Now that I'm nearing the halfway point of my day, I can only say that the scale of whether this plan of mine is effective or not, is teeter-tottering on half-working, half-not working, but I think that's to be expected. New Year resolutions don't always come into effect so speedily and personal changes and forces out of habit require time.
Like last year, I said to myself that I would stop being so emotional and learn to handle my impulses a bit better - not to fall in love too hard, not to get angered so easily, not to think about loss and heartbreak and yearning so that I end up in a chronic state of misery, and not to worry about everything so much so that I can enjoy the life I'm living.
Although I made this resolution on January 1st, right after the countdown, it took me until mid-November to really feel settled, calm, and to really feel like a sane, rational person who doesn't let his emotions consume him.
So, although I didn't finish off this blog post two hours ago like I said I would, and although I'm not going to be having lunch now 'cause I just don't feel hungry, at least I got up at 6am, at least I had breakfast at 8, at least I did resist the temptation to go on Facebook before the time I allotted to go there, and so I must thus conclude that it isn't all that bad.
By mid-November, I'll have everything in my life arranged so neatly and to the minute. I'm sure of it. I believe in making your life the way you want it to be. The critical key is to never, ever feel pathetic, and to have confidence in the fact that you can do something for yourself.
I'm going to stop typing like a motivational speaker now.
I didn't allot any time in my schedule for being cheesy and annoying.
I like this blog-everyday thing. I feel coerced, but I like it. I have had a few troubled thoughts today, and normally, I would take the time to reflect on it into the late hours of the night, but since I've told myself and you that I'm going to blog everyday, I am going to say something here and now. I feel like it's almost supposed to happen, and if not, I would be denying something. It feels right to blog about this, even though I usually wouldn't have. Here it goes:
There was a time in my life when I was having a fruity alcoholic beverage, while also eating spaghetti at a poolside bar. I had a book on biological anthropology next to me, but it could have easily been a crime novel, a factual book on Peruvian history, or something in the horror genre. The beach was about a minute's walk away, and the sun was beaming down on everything, from the bright red and white striped umbrellas, through the great expanse of water that formed the pool, to the couples kissing, the kids laughing, and the teenagers playing catch with a large, inflated beach ball, inside it. Thanks to said sunlit marvelousness, I was wearing sunglasses and Hawaiian-style shorts. It was pretty much paradise to me - and since that resort was aiming for that - I felt that the money I spent to go there was well worth it.
After I came back from that tropical island, I arrived back in my room in the apartment I lived in with my grandparents in Hong Kong, right in the middle of the city center, and I felt extremely heartbroken. The reason was because I was missing something, and only until today did I realize that that was taken from my heart was the warm sun, the gorgeous beach, and the relaxedness I experienced sitting by the pool with a drink in one hand, a book in the other, and delicious food laid out on a plate in front of me, with all the gorgeous sand, sea and sun nearby.
I have had an epiphany, and that is this: I want that for the rest of my life. That was my true happiness right there, and no amount of education, television, writing, clubbing, or any of the other things I've obsessed myself with in my whole life, will ever achieve that.
I want booze, books and beaches forever, and in thus realizing that, I need to do some serious thinking about what my next steps will be in achieving that, because obviously, that sort of life has to be earned.
I just find it's such a shame that the choices of made so far have led me down paths that I didn't want to go down. Getting rich and accomplished is good but it's materialistic. I want happiness from within, and that's it.
I will talk about this some more tomorrow. But for now, I think I feel better from releasing what was in my head. Until tomorrow, then, I suppose. Hooray for epiphanies. :)
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