126 - Stressed

I'm really stressed and I don't know why. I mean, I know why, but I don't know why I give myself that stress. Now, I feel burned out emotionally and physically.

In two days, my mother is coming from Hong Kong to visit me here in the UK. We're planning to head up to Edinburgh for a couple of days, and booking tickets and accommodation for us has been mentally taxing. In the past few days, I've been trying to research and brainstorm all the things we could do in Scotland and in Kent, and I'm just very, very tired now. You would think that her going to visit one of her old students in Exeter for two days would help lessen the burden, but I actually have a test the day after she comes back. My break-from-Mom gone, just like that. In the next month, I'm also planning to meet up with two of my closest friends, three times, separately, in London. I have two essays due and a lot of computer stuff to do too. I've also had to search for accommodation for next year, and it's been a complete nightmare so far...

I actually have plans to open up another blog... on the 15th of February in fact. On top of getting that ready, I also have to prepare posts on this blog and Do you hate it too? for each day that I'm with my mother, from the 10th to the 20th. It's all just snowballed, and it's all really, really, really working me hard, but I just have to power through it, I guess.

There are two times during the year that have notoriously been very busy times for me. One is around February/March, the other is around May/June. Every year during these times, I'm so, so stressed out and I just cannot feel relaxed. In the past, there have been plays to perform, examinations to take, orals to do, 4,000-word essays to hand in, presentations, reports, and so many birthdays and anniversaries to attend...

I'm so tired. These two times of the year I always see coming my way, but I never have any defense set up to protect myself from it. This year, it's going to change - it has to change. I need to quickly pick up my efficiency so that I can deal with things faster and more effectively, hence prevent stressing myself out during these times again.

And now, I'm a little bit hungry.

Okay, actually, I'm very hungry. So I'm going to go make some pasta. Toodles.

119 - Fighting against spontaneity

The greatest obstacle I have had to overcome since employing my brand new, to-the-half-hour, timetable is the phenomenon of spontaneity, in all things that just happen to happen to me throughout the course of my day without my preconception or any preparation. These things come in the form of friends asking me to go out to get drunk with them, waking up to a hangover, not waking up at all, and impetuously saturating feelings of boredom, hunger and tiredness, and unexpected urges to go meet up with someone and have a chat, and simply 'hang out' with them for hours.

These things can't be planned, and my time management skills have suffered a hit due to it.

There is also the problem of prioritizing in my head. Even though I allotted a time to finish this heap of work later today, I cannot do anything this morning or early afternoon, without worrying about what a heap it really is. I feel like I should probably ditch everything else and get straight to the work, finish it, and then I can go back to my schedule. After all, it's for university, it should take priority.

But after thinking about it, I think it would be better to fight that worry, and learn to let it go until it is the time I set aside for work. Because after all, blogging here, having an hour for lunch, having time to read, and go on Facebook, all of this that I've also set aside time for, is meant to help me achieve some sort of balance between my leisurely and working hours.

And what's stopping me from saying to myself, "Oh, my God, I really want to finish the rest of this book", or "The new episode is finally out, I've got to watch it now!" Those hasty impulses are no different from the work I have to do for university. In the same way, I would be prioritizing the way I want to prioritize it in that moment in time. And by taking that approach, I would then find myself in a situation where I managed to finish reading a book, but completely missed the deadline for my work. Or maybe a situation where I did do all of my work to the best of my ability, but then stayed up later that night to watch that new episode - only to find myself tired and sleepy when I have to get up the next morning.

And so the key to all of this is to just stick with the schedule. Always stick to the schedule that you, in your right mind, had planned for earlier in the weekend, knowing yourself, knowing the kind of person you are and the things you like to do, knowing how lazy you are on Monday evenings, knowing how hard-working you could be on Saturdays after lunch, knowing how much you like to sleep in on Sundays, knowing how long it sometimes takes for you to have dinner, or to log off Facebook once you go on it.

So here is my post for today. It said that I have to today. And now that I'm finished, I have half an hour free. Maybe I could go see what my friend is doing. Or I could get started on my lunch. Have a shower? Do some reading? Get some work done?

Before I even realize it, the schedule will get me to be so efficient that I will then free up a lot of time to actually do whatever, like going out to get drunk, or having a quick nap before a lecture. The golden rule of thumb, I think, is to always follow the schedule.

118 - Time to get organized

So, it's my first day back at university and it's time to put my New Year resolution into place. Time to get organized, and manage my own time, money and the millions things I want/need to do. I've made a schedule for myself to follow, labeled with time slots for things like "Sleep", "Dinner", "Do you hate it too?", "TV", and "Facebook and other online crap."

Now that I'm nearing the halfway point of my day, I can only say that the scale of whether this plan of mine is effective or not, is teeter-tottering on half-working, half-not working, but I think that's to be expected. New Year resolutions don't always come into effect so speedily and personal changes and forces out of habit require time.

Like last year, I said to myself that I would stop being so emotional and learn to handle my impulses a bit better - not to fall in love too hard, not to get angered so easily, not to think about loss and heartbreak and yearning so that I end up in a chronic state of misery, and not to worry about everything so much so that I can enjoy the life I'm living.

Although I made this resolution on January 1st, right after the countdown, it took me until mid-November to really feel settled, calm, and to really feel like a sane, rational person who doesn't let his emotions consume him.

So, although I didn't finish off this blog post two hours ago like I said I would, and although I'm not going to be having lunch now 'cause I just don't feel hungry, at least I got up at 6am, at least I had breakfast at 8, at least I did resist the temptation to go on Facebook before the time I allotted to go there, and so I must thus conclude that it isn't all that bad.

By mid-November, I'll have everything in my life arranged so neatly and to the minute. I'm sure of it. I believe in making your life the way you want it to be. The critical key is to never, ever feel pathetic, and to have confidence in the fact that you can do something for yourself.

I'm going to stop typing like a motivational speaker now.

I didn't allot any time in my schedule for being cheesy and annoying.

117 - That feeling, like your head's about to explode

Sometimes, (and by 'sometimes', I mean the many times in which I'm sitting about just contemplating life or writing an essay, as well as the off-chance that I'm actually in the middle of working out or some other intense activity,) I suddenly stop doing whatever I'm doing, and feel like time is standing still, and everything around and within me has stopped moving, and the only thing that continues to run is the train of thoughts in my mind.

And then I feel like my soul is emerging out of my body, and I'm watching myself, criticizing everything I have going on in that moment in time, from what I chose to wear that day, to how high my expectations are for tomorrow, from how yesterday's actions have changed me for better or for worse, to how what I'm doing at that moment in time is relevant and beneficial in the bigger picture called my life.

This out-of-body experience only comes about when I have too much to remember at one time. It's kind of like an automatic system reboot that follows a system overload to prevent it from overheating. I just felt like that a while ago. And I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders right now.

Too often, I burden myself with too much to handle - and I spread myself too thin and end up with a couple pieces of very bland toast. A very good example of this is how I say I will blog everyday, but actually don't because I want to catch up with some television shows. However, I'm still not up-to-date on those because I have some work for university to get done. And I haven't gotten that done yet because I have some personal networking to do on Facebook - catching up with long-time-no-sees and photos to "like" and leave a "comment" under. I haven't got round to that because there are TV reviews to read. I haven't gotten round to that because there are webcomics to catch up with.

But my music playlists need serious updating. And a friend told me to check out this new anime series. Wait, my cousin asked me to read this book. And this other friend told me to watch a series of videos on Youtube. Now, I'm hungry. Now, I feel dirty, let me go take a shower. Now, I'm sleepy, I'm going to go to bed.

Oh, shit, 7am already?

Darn it. 

...I didn't get to finish yesterday's blog post.

I seriously need to get more organized.

Or maybe I should throw away some parts of my life.

I don't want to, though. I wish I was more high-powered. I wish I did things more efficiently. There never seems to be enough time in the day...