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In two days, my mother is coming from Hong Kong to visit me here in the UK. We're planning to head up to Edinburgh for a couple of days, and booking tickets and accommodation for us has been mentally taxing. In the past few days, I've been trying to research and brainstorm all the things we could do in Scotland and in Kent, and I'm just very, very tired now. You would think that her going to visit one of her old students in Exeter for two days would help lessen the burden, but I actually have a test the day after she comes back. My break-from-Mom gone, just like that. In the next month, I'm also planning to meet up with two of my closest friends, three times, separately, in London. I have two essays due and a lot of computer stuff to do too. I've also had to search for accommodation for next year, and it's been a complete nightmare so far...
I actually have plans to open up another blog... on the 15th of February in fact. On top of getting that ready, I also have to prepare posts on this blog and Do you hate it too? for each day that I'm with my mother, from the 10th to the 20th. It's all just snowballed, and it's all really, really, really working me hard, but I just have to power through it, I guess.
There are two times during the year that have notoriously been very busy times for me. One is around February/March, the other is around May/June. Every year during these times, I'm so, so stressed out and I just cannot feel relaxed. In the past, there have been plays to perform, examinations to take, orals to do, 4,000-word essays to hand in, presentations, reports, and so many birthdays and anniversaries to attend...
I'm so tired. These two times of the year I always see coming my way, but I never have any defense set up to protect myself from it. This year, it's going to change - it has to change. I need to quickly pick up my efficiency so that I can deal with things faster and more effectively, hence prevent stressing myself out during these times again.
And now, I'm a little bit hungry.
Okay, actually, I'm very hungry. So I'm going to go make some pasta. Toodles.
Now that I'm nearing the halfway point of my day, I can only say that the scale of whether this plan of mine is effective or not, is teeter-tottering on half-working, half-not working, but I think that's to be expected. New Year resolutions don't always come into effect so speedily and personal changes and forces out of habit require time.
Like last year, I said to myself that I would stop being so emotional and learn to handle my impulses a bit better - not to fall in love too hard, not to get angered so easily, not to think about loss and heartbreak and yearning so that I end up in a chronic state of misery, and not to worry about everything so much so that I can enjoy the life I'm living.
Although I made this resolution on January 1st, right after the countdown, it took me until mid-November to really feel settled, calm, and to really feel like a sane, rational person who doesn't let his emotions consume him.
So, although I didn't finish off this blog post two hours ago like I said I would, and although I'm not going to be having lunch now 'cause I just don't feel hungry, at least I got up at 6am, at least I had breakfast at 8, at least I did resist the temptation to go on Facebook before the time I allotted to go there, and so I must thus conclude that it isn't all that bad.
By mid-November, I'll have everything in my life arranged so neatly and to the minute. I'm sure of it. I believe in making your life the way you want it to be. The critical key is to never, ever feel pathetic, and to have confidence in the fact that you can do something for yourself.
I'm going to stop typing like a motivational speaker now.
I didn't allot any time in my schedule for being cheesy and annoying.
I'm not that entirely sure of what I should type in this vast, white space that Blogger provides me with to rant, rave and ramble about my personal thoughts and happenings, my mind is quite blank itself, just like the canvas that I now imprint my words on to, empty like the plate I fed myself from an hour or so ago that's now in the dishwasher, cleared and cleaned, leaving the bare china for use once again. But I feel obliged to say something because it is New Year's Eve, and because 2010 arrives at my chronological doorstep in less than three hours.
So, I guess the standard action to take would be to talk about what I've done and learned in 2009. Honestly, I've done and learned a lot, but I don't wish to bore you with the details right now. So perhaps I will just give you a list, because I like lists:
- I turned 18.
- All of my friends turned 18.
- I went through my high school exams.
- I got paid for the first time, working a bartending job.
- I said goodbye to everybody I knew.
- I moved to England, and met a lot of people at university.
- For the first time in a long time, I didn't spend my winter holidays in Hong Kong.
- I found ways to deal with sadness, loneliness and confusing friendships.
- My bond with my parents and my best friend grew even stronger.
- I continued to blog and now have plans to publish a book next May.
2009 could've been a really emotional year. A lot more emotional than it actually turned out to be. But I think I fulfilled the resolution I made last year, which was to learn how to control my emotions, and be more positive in my everyday life. Becoming an official adult meant that I had to stop reacting so childishly and impulsively to bad things happening to me, moving to England and meeting new people tested my inner strength and forced me to find happiness and comfort from within, and working as a bartender in the summer meant that I had to practice customer service and be more tolerant of annoying people.
While going through all of this, I've now found a new set of challenges too. I've found that time management is something I'm really lacking. I don't know how to sort out myself to fit my sleeping time, my working time, my studying time, my socializing time and my relaxing time into the same schedule. With my current prospects to publish a Do you hate it too? book, and manage six or seven blogs by the end of next year, while juggling my second year of university, finding a house to live in next September, and starting to get serious about my trip around the world in seven years, I have to work hard at trying to comprehend the exact essence of which time is.
With the management of time comes the management of my money, my learning capabilities, my priorities, and my sense of responsibility. Basically, my New Year resolution, I think, will be to strive for orderliness and organization in my life.
All the while, making sure I continue to keep my emotions in check, of course. We don't want the past coming back to haunt me.
So, I've already prepared a fairly detailed schedule that gives me space to work, read, sleep, eat, blog, watch TV, and do other useless crap (e.g., Facebook, Sporcle, Twitter, sleep some more...). I'm confident that the schedule will be effective and that the idea of it being a new year, being a new chance, will keep me motivated enough to actually fulfill this resolution like I did with the last one I made.
If you've come over here from Do you hate it too?, once again, I say Happy New Year, my readers.
If you didn't, then I give you a virtual hug and wish you all the best in 2010.
Remember guys, if all is looking glum, there's always a way to work things out. E-mail me if you ever need to. Just keep in mind the message passed down to us by Winston Churchill: If you're going through Hell, keep going.
The impatient pessimists sitting on their high horses all tell me and some of my other friends that we are hopelessly hopeful because new year resolutions never, ever work. They are so sure of themselves, and believe that we will drop our resolutions and live another self-centered year like 2008.
I think resolutions take a bit of time to kick in and to take effect, i.e., it takes a while for one to get used to what he/she has to deal with for the rest of the coming year. One's performance in carrying out their resolutions should not be based on the mere first six days out of 365. We have a long way to go and who knows what will happen. Someone wise and dear to me once said: "Don't sound so confident, Michael."
I point that quote out to all you skeptical, cynical and spiteful folks out there, because it looks like I've found the beginning of the path to my goals for this year. Laid out on the path is my iPod, my laptop with my Dashboard shown on the screen, my textbooks, tens of cartons of instant coffee powder and an assortment of all my favorite foods. On the left-hand side, you will find my family standing there and on the right are all the things I love about Hong Kong alongside this one single road. I've found what I want to do really to achieve my goal. So good for me.
I'm back from my vacation in China and I've done the whole countdown thing. It's twelve hours into 2009 and it doesn't feel much different.
I was going to write a post yesterday night in the early hours of New Year's Day. I was inebriated from the party. I know my thoughts are clearer when I'm drunk. When I say this, I mean my inner feelings, and what I want deep inside seems more evident when I've had some alcohol. Whether I would have been able to describe those inner emotions in words is another matter, but nonetheless, yesterday night, in my head, everything was so clear, everything filed in neat compartments in my mind. That's the kind of thing I see when I'm drunk. I see everything organized, structured and less confused. I hate messes. I hate eating spaghetti for this reason. I like lasagna. The layers. The procedure in making it is so methodical. And now I'm hungry.
But before I digress any further, or go out for lunch, I want to write about last night.
New Year's Eve is interesting, to say the least. Everything's awkward at first as people arrive, as people scan the room quickly to see who made it, as people greet each other politely and observe how formal everyone else has dressed. People stare at the stranger friend if there is one. People inquire about the liquor available for the rest of the evening. They laugh if the class clown makes a joke - whether it's funny or otherwise. They ask each other how their Christmas went. They want to watch a movie, they want to play the Wii, they want to listen to music, anything to escape the first few minutes where everything is awkward, where everything isn't celebratory yet. But one thing is for sure, we know we are all meant to be happy. It isn't the time to be angry or miserable because it's New Year's Eve, goddamnit! We want to meet 2009 with smiles on our faces, with laughter in the air, with warmth kindled by each of our friendships and our collective class spirit.
Although it's awkward at first, we then all sort of melt into it. The caps come off the drinks, the movie's on and people no longer talk about how their Christmas went because that's in the past. 2009 is approaching and so we talk about the future. Our new year resolutions and where we all plan to go for university.
On New Year's Eve, everything is in this weird transitory Limbo where the present time doesn't really matter. We only concern ourselves with the 365 days we call "two-oh-oh-eight" and the 365 days we call "two-oh-oh-nine". We don't care about the 'now' on New Year's Eve. That's why we drink. That's why we smoke. That's why a guy would wear a girl's jacket, and why a girl can wear two-inch heels. That's why we scream off rooftops. That's why we hug whoever is there, or accept a hug from whoever offers it. That's why the dancers stretch their muscles in their tight jeans. That's why the guys give each other piggyback rides. That's why we all make stupid faces in photos. That's why we just don't care. We don't care that we're alone, angry, let down, rejected, out of place, insignificant or heartbroken because it's the New Year, damn it. Nothing matters because it's time for a change. Because we all have had our setbacks, our pitfalls, our mistakes, our tears and our troubles in 2008. It all changes after we count down to zero. It all ends here and now.
But then comes the real test. After the countdown. What do you do? Be sad that it's over? Be thoughtful and apathetic? Be happy and hopeful? Because that's what we all have to face. You can be the guy who leaves the party with a frown. You see everything wrong with your life on a dirty platter in front of you and you sigh, you cry and you feel the same as you did the miserable night before. You can also be the guy that leaves the party with your composure, a neutral view toward the party and a lot of thought. Emotions aren't there, it's just reason. You just like to reflect. If those two aren't for you, you can be the guy that leaves joyous with faith, who looks at the new year as a golden opportunity where dreams and goals can be achieved, where love can be felt and bliss can surround you.
Who do I want to be this year, or on New Year's Day? That's what you have to ask yourself after the countdown.
For me, it was strange. At first, I was sad that it was over. Then I was thoughtful and apathetic. I went to bed and woke up happy and hopeful. I feel like Dante in The Divine Comedy, going from Hell, through Purgatory and on to Heaven. I confess: I did leave the party crying. I missed the friends that weren't there, and when I left, it hurt to leave the friends that were there. But I left because it hurt to remain there as well. It hurt because I felt alone, even in a crowd. I felt out of place, like I should have been somewhere else. Like nobody wanted me there.
I left the party crying. So what? I called a friend. She brought me to Purgatory, where sadness slowly turned to a hopeful outlook on things. It allowed me to wake up feeling like this. Not happy necessarily, but content, restive and peaceful. Things have changed and I won't live like I did last year. That all ends here and now. (It's cool that I get to say 'last year' for the first time.)
I have been saying that for two weeks now. It all ends here and now. What exactly does that mean?
Well, I've made my resolutions, and I'm going to try my best to stick to them. 2008 was tiring.
Very tiring. And I think my resolutions will allow me to get some rest.
You see, people have told me that I am too negative, pessimistic, cynical and/or misanthropic and this has led to my exhaustion. I have to disagree. As I said in my introduction on Do you hate it too?, I like to think of myself as critical and observant. That is all.
Because I can also see beauty. I can experience joy, especially with the people I love. But I'm sorry, I like to fix things. I like to solve problems and only by identifying the flaws around me, I can then find answers to difficult questions. I will always be critical of others, judgmental and a keen observer. That will never change. But it was putting my emotions into my criticism that drove me to exhaustion. Not just negative emotions, but positive ones as well have led to my downfall. Seeing too much beauty in other people made me lust, yearn and care for people 'til my time and energy was wasted, until other people got sick of it. And seeing too many flaws in other people made me unappreciative, selfish, mean and disdainful. Controlling these emotions and my own personality is something I need to learn to make myself a better life.
I've been through Hell. Now, I'll keep on going. It's the foundation of this blog. It's my philosophy (and Winston Churchill's, of course). I want to live happier. I'll readjust myself to make that happen. Hell (Hell, I tell you!) ends here and ends now!
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