134 - Relief

For those of you who have stopped by to just find nothing here, I am so sorry to have abandoned you like that. It's been a busy week with an important essay due and a test to take, but all of that is behind me now, and I've had thirteen hours of sleep since all the craziness ended because I was utterly exhausted from all the work and reading I had to do. It is such a relief, and I should be rocking the blogging world for the remainder of March or so, on all four of my blogs, so you can look forward to that just as I am looking forward to writing them and reading your comments.

As I was saying, getting all of that university stuff out of the way is such a relief. There's a certain lovely feeling you get with relief, the relief of being able to eat after hours food-deprived, when you finally conclude your conclusion of your essay or report, as you're reaching the end of that final downhill rollercoaster ride, and when the buzzer goes off and you win the basketball game by just one point. Relief is that satisfying, calming feeling you get right after you find out that the sky isn't actually falling.

I find that one thing for me that distinguishes a good friend from a great number of acquaintances, or a loving family member from a large number of relatives, is the number of times they provide me with that feeling of relief. Everytime I feel like I'm about to breakdown and submit to the pressures in life, my parents, my family, and my best friends are there to not just tell me that everything's going to be okay, but also explain why and how it will be okay.

It's impossible to be one-hundred percent independent, co-dependency is crucial for anyone who wants to survive. Since the New Year, I've noticed that I have gradually become less reflective and less mindful of myself as I've become more and more entrenched into my studies and the things I have to do. It's mostly because I just have a lot of things to do, that's all. It's simply a matter of not having enough hours in the day to find time to sit back and relax.

Ah, but now I get to do just that for a couple of weeks.

Boy, what a relief it really is.

133 - Should you be an open book or a closed book?

You know how people always suffer from depression and trust issues because they feel that bottling everything up is the way to deal with their problems? They keep all their innermost feelings in the innermost layer of their heart and never express the frustration, hurt or grief they experience and just prefer to treat the parts of their life that matter to them a huge secret.

As of right now, I am one of those people - the reason being that I feel that if I were to depend on someone, I will get let down by unmet expectations, or I will develop an overreliance on people, which would eventually lead me to a state where I feel alone, betrayed, and failed. I believe now that keeping everything about myself to myself is individual and strong, and demonstrates independence, maturity and confidence.

The reason I am like this is because I was exactly the opposite when I was a few years younger. I used to be over-dramatic, and I would tell everybody about the shit that was going on in my life because I thought getting people's sympathy and having the courage to 'trust' people with information was an attractive character in a person.

I used to be like that. It wasn't even about telling people I trusted. I rambled on and on in front of anyone that would listen, hoping that by telling just the recounts of my unfortunate life incidents, I could get people to like me. I stopped doing this because I realized I was just distracting myself from the emotions by telling the story again and again, to the point where I wore off my inner pain from telling it too many times.

So should I trust anybody, or do I trust nobody? From both experiences, where neither worked well for me, I think the answer is you have to find a balance. I'm never any good at balance. I like to be ultimate good (even though I'm not), I aim to be the best at school (even though I'm not), and in my conversations with people, I'm either really talkative about my personal life, or I'm not in the slightest. I don't know what to do, because I hate balance. But extreme people have no place in this society. Should you be an open book or a closed book?

53 - Please, I'm scared.

Just for those of you who are unfamiliar, here's a little summary of my current situation: my parents are divorced and I live with just my maternal grandparents. My father was 'being difficult' last summer in a number of ways, and since July, I haven't seen or spoken to him. He was self-centered, and always moaned about his ex-wives and his boss. Consequently, he was insensitive to my problems. I got sick of him, and that side of my family. He was a waste of my time.

Tonight, on this homework-crammed night, I received a text message from my father that said: "I wanna see you this thursday".

I will see him on Thursday. And I am scared.

In the past year or so, I have gradually become more and more scared of depending on the people who are close to me. This is because, in the past year, I have been greatly disappointed by three people who are very special to me.

One was my best friend. One was a girl. And one was my father.

I think I am partially culpable for my own downfall, but I do hold expectations for certain people because I think giving, sharing and tolerating is what friends and family do for each other. I always take a leap of faith with people because I believe good hearts lie within each of us. Since last year, I've really learned the hard lesson: people aren't always reliable.

But I'm going to see my father with a open heart because I think it is the mature thing to do. I'm going because we are connected by blood. (I am always amazed by how well he and my mother know me so well without the formalities of actually learning about each other that exist with friends.) I'm going because I believe I got angry over something silly, because I reckon I lost my respect for him too quickly in a rush of emotion. And I'm going because shooting some snooker and downing shots of Jack Daniel's has always been fun. With him.

On the other hand, I am scared that he will still be irresponsible, and irrational, self-involved and arrogant. I am scared that by having him in my presence, the negative traits which he has passed on to me by blood will emanate out of me despite my constant internal repression. I am scared that I will have to go through losing him all over again if I get impatient with his cocky personality one night after a taxing day at school. And I am scared that he will distract me, have an impact on my grades, and affect my future.

My fellow bloggers, tell me the sun will shine, please.

Please tell me I don't have to be scared.

Please tell me I'll be fine.