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My best friend and I always say that these things don't matter to us, but from my perspective (don't know about him), I know I'm sort of in denial. I really would like to appreciate the finer things in life... generosity of spirit, the beauty of nature, the love that stems from family, the sacred bond of friendship, the splendor of the great, wide world...
But cash in my pocket, numbers and letters on a sheet of paper, and loud, techno music playing in clubs full of drunken girls and preying old men, actually evoke feelings within me. I care about these things, even though I know it's not that 'spiritually'... 'up there'.
Oh, well. I guess I'm superficial.
I have always struggled with finding a place in which I belong when I am amongst a large group of people like my class. I don't have membership in any particular clique, nor do I have any one person that really sticks to me wherever I go, or vice versa. It's funny because all my close friends outside my school have that exact same situation in their respective communities.
In my class, I don't really know if I fit in or not. They tell me that they all want me to go on a graduation trip, and while I was there, I could see why they said so. In the course of a day, I was with Group A for breakfast, then swimming in the pool with Group B, checked in with Group A as they were going kayaking, before I went to check on Group C, who were staying in the villas. By the time the sun was going down, I was hanging out with Group D. The day ended with Groups A, B, C, D and E eating dinner altogether, and then dancing altogether, where I mostly chatted with Group B, danced with groups B and C, and left with groups A and E.
Those were arbitrarily generalized, of course, but you get the gist.
But then there are those times when one of the guys wraps his arm around a girl's shoulder because he doesn't like me talking to her. There is that time when they will tell you to go get some rest, and that tomorrow is a big day, instead of letting you join in with their fun late at night. There are times when they will move away from you without inviting you to come along, times when they will place their hand beyond their plate to demonstrate that they don't want to share their food, times when they will close the door in your face, turn on the television, or even fall asleep right in front of you 'cause they don't want to talk to you any longer.
It confuses me, the game of social interaction. I still don't have my answer, my defined place, after spending seven days with my classmates. I suppose I'll never know, now that we won't be seeing each other much anymore, but change is the essence of life itself.
Like I said, my closest friends outside our school's graduation class of 2009 are all similar to me, in that they find it hard to fit in with the people they go to school with. Somehow, I have managed to form a community of people that I trust and love and care about that stretches to the UK and back. All I need is them, and I'll try to talk about them more this summer, 'cause they're very interesting people.
In the end, it doesn't really matter that I'm not in the center of attraction, or antipathy, or attention in general. All that matters is that I have people that I hold memories with that will make me smile wherever and whenever I'm not happy, and that will teach me that life is, actually, kind of alright.
I'm still on study leave at the moment, exams start on May 4th. Of course the occasional distraction is inevitable in this feels-like-forever time span, and so in the past week, a lot of exciting planning has been going on between me and my friends whenever we close our books for a break.
My real birthday is May 30th (mark it on your calendars folks!), but unfortunately, our graduation ball/prom takes place on May 29th. I'm sure we'll be too hungover to celebrate on the actual date... plus, I have two families that really want me to devote my real 18th birthday to their side. Between my mother and my father, I haven't decided which one yet, but I'm thinking I'll give it to my mother. She's been quite short-tempered lately... maybe she's newly menopausal, or exam time has taken a toll on her mind as well (because she's an English teacher).
So, instead, I'm having a party on May 22nd. In fact, I'm sharing it with two of my friends, who have their birthdays lie unfortunately on dates with exams. They're two of my closest friends in the class, and so this joint party for three is going to be really special, and highly anticipated.
I've already plans to do stuff on the 24th, 26th, 28th, 29th, 30th and 31st as well. Turning 18 is a lot busier and a lot less cool than I thought, 'cause it's like everyone knows how great it feels and wants me to have a good time, too. Honestly, I'd rather lie on the beach for the entire week in the sun... but I'll attend every buffet, every house party, every dinner, every gathering, and every night out, for them. Because they love me.
I just booked the table for our birthday party for three. Around twenty-five people should be attending, it's a nice Australian-style restaurant, with fabulous steak, called 'Outback Steakhouse'. You can check out the food menu and the drinks menu if you fancy a drooling session. I seriously can't wait to celebrate, not only my birthday, but my two close friends' birthdays. We will also rejoice in the conclusion of our exams, of high school, of everything we've been doing in the past eighteen years.
It's so great.
And afterward, I know, and they know, and God knows we'll go get really drunk.
I always love that ending.
Anyway, I must get back to my maths books (or fall asleep lying on top of and underneath them). I'll come back and tell you how the exams are going after I've done one or two or a few. :)
I really miss blogging, but I'm surviving. See you later, people!
I just got a conditional offer from the University of Kent in the UK, but you know what?
Hip hip no hurray, because I'm damn tired of school. I hate to be a complainer like the rest of them, but I think I deserve the right to rant and protest like an archetypal adolescent after seventeen years of not complaining. I'm so sick of each and every one of my subjects ruining my meals, my sleep, my weekends and my daily livelihood. Why do Hong Kong schools need to be this way? Why do international schools need to be this way? Why does the final year of high school have to be this way? I hate complaining, I hate complaining about this so much because I know it only gets more difficult and pressured in university and at work. So what if I get an offer? I still have to apply for scholarships and student visas. I need to sign up for financial aid thanks to my parents' crummy divorce , familiarize myself with the course, buy new textbooks and get myself a part-time job as soon as possible. When it comes time to leave, I have to make plans to see everybody, I have to make plans to see the right people in the university/country of my choice, say goodbye to everybody and everything I know here, pack up everything in my room to move somewhere else 'cause God knows I can't afford to fly back any time soon. The way life is going to be in the next six to eight months is simply not humane to me.
I don't feel like a robot. I feel more like the living dead, my body's degradation after so many years of attaining education has caused me to become so pessimistic and tired. I want to fall asleep on my own accord, whether it be in bed or on the bus to school or on the plane going to holiday and not have a pen in my hand or my textbook on the floor or my laptop on my lap when I wake up. It kills me that my room is such a mess, with books, sheets and folders lying around everywhere. I'm so worn out and lazy whenever I catch a break that I can't even walk out of my room to dump my school clothes into the laundry basket, or even walk out to throw out the countless boxes and plastic bags that used to contain takeout.
I'm tired of staying up so late trying to slam out 1,500-word essays, only to wake up to 200 words done. I'm tired of waking up at the very last minute, to rush to school, to rush to school to finish those darn essays. I want to take a proper fucking shower, I want there to be enough time to wash my fucking hair. I want time to read and to watch my television series without a pile of homework sitting next to me, without a spreadsheet or a word document open on my monitor. I want time to really spend time with my family and friends. Gosh, I'm not even attending a very important Chinese family gathering because I have to work.
What do I have to work on? Well, let's see... There's the 4000-word essay on Hell that I was meant to finish in September 2008, I have a Math portfolio that isn't a bit of fun at all, there's Theory of Knowledge essay and presentation ideas to come up with, Mandarin group oral as well as a Mandarin essay, the data response I have to do for Economics, as well as two portfolio assessments, an oral commentary for English to prepare, four Chemistry practicals, on the titration curves for four different types of neutralization reactions, the hydrolysis of dihalogenoalkanes and the oxidation states of vanadium, the Chemistry past paper to complete, notes to copy down from Physics and Economics because I missed one lesson of each subject thanks to my oversleeping and another three practicals to write up for Physics, to do with the half-life of brick dust, Planck's constant and the Hertzsprung-Russell diagram, all of which, I'm sorry, might as well be mixed with dry twigs and leaves to make fuel for a bonfire because I don't give two shits about any of it.
I trick myself, my classmates and my teachers into believing so because it's right. What I really care about is my damn happiness, health and well-being and sorry if this sounds shockingly self-centered but I am worried that I do not live happily, healthily or well. I hate complaining about school, I've never believed in complaining about it, but this is what I swallow because I know hatred towards school is not the right mindset for a student. I just need to be more efficient with my work. It's such a pain in the neck, but fine, back to work. If you're going through Hell, keep going, right? That's the motto, so I've heard, on this blog...
Talk to all of you folks later...
Oh, my God. I just received my report card. I haven't opened it yet, but they're right here in front of me.
I've always been a fairly alright student. I don't complain about the homework (because I don't see the point) and I don't worry too much about the results (because I don't see the point). I do care about my grades, but I generally don't worry about things in life. There's a difference between caring about something and worrying something.
So let's open this report card together, shall we? I'm already bracing myself for all the clichéd crap, but more importantly, I'm looking forward, even more, to reading between the lines so that I can find out what's really right or wrong with me as a student.
English - Exam: 80%, Average: 61%, Effort: 1, Achievement:A
I have been most impressed with the excellent progress Michael has been making particularly of late. He responds to the texts with maturity and insight and displays a genuine love of literature. He can speak and write about the texts with enthusiasm and flair and is developing a real sense of style in his writing. A first-rate term was rounded off with his fine examination result. With continued application I expect a very high grade from him next summer. Very well done!
I'll take that comment. I do genuinely love literature and writing, so it makes me happy that my English teacher is happy.
Mathematics - Exam: 42%, Average: 60%, Effort: 1, Achievement: B
What a pleasure it is to see Michael's academic maturation; he has become better organized and has taken on more responsibility for his own learning, developing an independent approach to his studies. Michael's examination technique will improve as he is exposed to more past papers.
What a load of crap. I skip a lot of Maths classes and I did quite poorly on my examination in my opinion. Maths is the hardest subject in our school, though, so 42% isn't that bad. I just feel I don't deserve a B for achievement or a 1 for effort. I'm a crap maths student.
Mandarin - Exam: 77%, Average: 74%, Effort: 1-, Achievement: B+
Michael has done well in IB paper 1, which has shown that he has made good progress in reading comprehension. However, his written paper still leaves some room for improvement. Apart from a well-thought out plan, he has to bear in mind that a development of ideas has to be focused on the topic. His vocabulary, as reflected in essay writing, is reasonable for the standard level, but he has to be careful of repeated errors in calligraphy. Michael is a co-operative student, and with some added efforts, I believe he will do well in May.
I agree with that. However, I need to rant about something. I can understand oral and written Chinese. I was born with it spoken all around me for my entire life. I hate the fact that we have to write essays and do orals when I do know Chinese as a second language. It's just hard learning another language, it always has been for me. I don't know. I don't want to learn Mandarin because it's just a joke, but I had to learn some language... I guess I'll look for ways to improve...
Chemistry - Exam: 54%, Average: 62%, Effort: 2, Achievement: C
Michael has not prepared well for his exams. Questions attempted show a lack of ability to even recall simple ideas. Many key concepts were not applied and his mediocre understanding does not reflect well for his summer exams. This unfortunately, was not unexpected. Michael has not worked consistently this term. When questioned directly in class discussions, an answer is often not given due to a lack of preparation prior to lessons. Michael must spend time immediately to compensate for gaps in his knowledge.
No argument there. I will work on it.
Physics - Exam:53%, Average: 71%, Effort: 1-, Achievement: C
Michael has always shown a healthy interest in physics but he has become increasingly focused on knowing more about applications of the theory over recent months. Disappointing examination results, however, show that he has not done sufficient revision to consolidate ideas to be able to apply them to a range of questions. With a determined effort I have no doubt he can improve, and yet he will also need to be careful not to miss any more classes. He will be in danger, not only of missing vital revision, but also of non-completion of the essential coursework.
This one hit me hard. I always used to be good at mathematics and science, but now I'm faltering in my ability to keep all the theory in my mind. I will work on it.
Economics - Exam: 57%, Average: 81%, Effort: 1, Achievement: A-
Michael should be pleased with the grasp he has established of this subject, though this was not reflected in his recent examination. He has consolidated much of the material that has been covered and is now more comprehensive in the development of his written work. Poor question choice was primarily to blame for his examination mark, and I feel that he will continue to bring together the separate parts of this course and strengthen further his understanding. In class, Michael is engaged and he actively participates. More of the same next term will pay dividends. Well done, Michael.
'will pay dividends'. Funny thing for an economics teacher to say. I wonder if he uses any other technical terms in my classmates' report cards.
Theory of Knowledge - Effort: 1, Achievement: A
Michael produced an excellent essay and overcame his usual reserve to play a confident part in a very successful group presentation. There there is nothing to stop him doing very well next term, when the final assessments take place.
That's the way I roll. A confident part, whoopee.
Form Tutor Report
Michael is taking more responsibility for his progress and will reflect on his experience of the mock examinations; hopefully, he will be balanced in his self-assessment, giving credit for the progress made and not focusing solely on areas needing improvement. There is still plenty of time for Michael to refine his examination technique; this good set of reports from his teachers should remind Michael to have confidence in his own ability.
I'm confused. I'm confident. Perhaps with no right to be for some subjects. I will work on my Mandarin, Chemistry, Maths and Physics. With no further ado, let me get back to my homework now.
It's been a very, very long year, to say the least. This is the first time I'm doing one of these reflections, so I hope it helps in bringing me closure, so that the new year can be approached with another year of life experience to support me. How should I format this?... Hmm... Oh, I know! I'll just make a list of all the major events and talk a bit about each of them. (The last one is the most relevant to you guys. :D)
(Jun) Father got divorced again: He tells me my stepmother cheated on him with another man. Not just any man. A 63-year-old man. And I believe him, but I think that if Dominique and their other two girls appear to be fine, then my stepmother and the old guy are fine. Why does my father have to exaggerate everything, I don't know. I agree with him and sympathize for him to an extent, but the fact is: he was the less committed one. I'm a lot like him to be honest... especially in relationships. Over-confident when we really don't have a damn clue. I think I'm working at it. I don't see that in him. All in all, he's an ex-husband twice for good reason.
(Jul) Stopped talking to my dad: Nobody else will understand my perspective of things, that's a given. But let me just tell you: if there's anybody I hate more, it's people that are narrow-minded, unforgiving, who fail to look at things in other people's perspective, who don't even try for a second to walk in another person's shoes. That is all I ever do with my life, every, single, fucking, second, of, every, single, fucking, day. My father is radically different in this aspect and I hate the way he is so arrogant about everything. I look at him and I see the smoking, the drinking, the two divorces, the negligence toward his three other children, the prostitutes in Shenzhen, the lousy dead-end job of a private investigator, his knucklehead friends, especially her (who he's exploiting at the moment), the pervy uncle, the grandmother who always fed him what he wanted, the spoiled brat inside of him that never grew up from over thirty years ago, and at the time, before July, I didn't give a shit about any of that. And it's a testament to how much I know about him, the dreadful, honest truth about him. What does he know about me? Nothing.
Next year, all he will know is that I went to holiday this winter, because he needs to give my mother permission to bring me out of Hong Kong. He will also know which country I'm going to next year for university, only because my mother will tell him. When I grow up, he will know what I do for a living, but only vaguely, only a little bit, only because my mother will tell him. That is all he will know because he never cared to get to know me or the details of my personal and academic life, that as a student and a teenager, are very, very, very important to me.
I am not going to be all melodramatic and say I won't visit his deathbed, go to his funeral or visit his grave. But when those occasions come to pass, all father-and-son sentiments will be lost. There's no space available for me to forgive. My mind does not have the capacity to and my heart is not functioned to forgive a father who does not care to hear about his son's 'lifeless' day. I have been through more than any of my family really knows. This isn't a contest to see who's been through the most, but he should stop boasting and pretending to know everything that I don't. Piece of shit father.
(Jul) The last outing I had with Dad: I went to the beach I grew up on with my father, my grandmother, my uncle, my cousin, my two stepsisters (all on my dad's side, of course) and one of their friends. We had this killer mashed potatoes with tuna and raisins that serves as one of my grandmother's signature dishes. Filipinos know how to make the best comfort food in Asia... We were at the infamous Pui O beach, the word Pui (貝), meaning 'shellfish'. Buried under the sand are hundreds of clams. I had a fun time swimming with my stepsisters. I had a fun time barbecuing with my dad like we used to when I was a kid. When I was out there in the ocean, I dived down and managed to find a clam the size of my hand (around 15cm in diameter). My dad soaked it in beer to wash out the sand and placed it on the fire. I ate it and let me tell you, big doesn't necessarily mean tasty. ;)
It was a good trip, a good final trip before I vowed to ignore him and avoid him at all costs. Why he had to ruin that week is beyond me. His impatience got the better of him and will serve him well.
(Feb) Fell in love for five days: I fell so deep and so fast. I was so darn lonely, to the point where I just didn't care about anything else. They were like another family, to add on to my list containing six or seven other families. I took a leap there, and they caught me, they let me know that life was okay, is okay and will always be okay. Sisters, brothers, father and uncle. Oh, Michael, you're so pathetic.
'Cause the shame in these five days is that they came all the way from Oman. They were only here for a week but I was totally immersed into their group of friends. I will always have a special place in my heart for them but I think that's very useless now. It was there for five days, and now it's gone.
(Dec) Came to a decision: I have found a solution to the problem at school I've been having for a year now. It's time for a change and the new year will bring on a good one. It's been a long, treacherous journey with these people. They've pissed me off more times than I can count and I'm sure I have gotten on their nerve many times as well. I will never forget any of the good times, but hey, there weren't that many to begin with, and they weren't that good at all.
(May) Birthday: My birthday always happens when other things are happening. It was quite a lot of fun going out that night after the Graduation Ball, but again, I drank alone, I danced alone, I went home alone. Why is it so hard to find somebody? Why is it that the four of them stuck together? Why is it that they were a couple? Why do they go home? Where does it ever leave me?
No, that's not the right way to think about it. It's precisely about me on my birthday if I am willing to believe it to be. Besides, I have made a decision to stop caring about them. I had fun on my birthday, and it was a considerably good one when compared to my birthdays in previous years. I won't forget it and next year will be even better.
(Sep) Mid-Autumn Festival: I've never been to the beach on that night. I had no idea that loads of people actually did that. It was good, though. And I got the chance to see her, so it was nice. The moon created this mysteriousness amongst us. I wonder if we would ever find ourselves in that same spot again.
God, why do I always think I'm alone? People will always tell me, no, you're not alone, but heyheyhey. I really am by the end of the night. I think I have to make peace with the fact that I will be more alone in the next few months. Yikes.
(July) Family trip to Toronto: Now, this was a really good time. A time that I pretty much forgot about until I looked at a calender to remind myself about what I was doing in those blank two weeks in my head. I went to Toronto with my whole family (save my mother and my aunt). We went to eat crazy-good steak, and to see all the attractions that I could now look at in another, more mature, light. I love Toronto. I will live there at some point in my life. And although I can't say I love time with my family, at least they never, ever make me feel alone.
(Jun) Last week of school: I had to stage manage a concert, as well as perform in a lead role of the senior play. To be honest, I stage managed better the previous time. This time, I was breaking down, I didn't care about these people and I couldn't do my job because I let these people get to me. Not all of them were bad. I don't want to say it goes to show how tired I've gotten of them. I think it's just me again. Pathetic, emotional me.
For the school play, these people were cool. Actors are nice people. Never really bothered me much. Oh, how could I forget about him though. He was a pain up my ass. Oh, but at least the lot of them were sitting in the audience, far, far away. The show went quite well and everybody clapped for Andrew, Bea and Chas. I want to do more professional stuff, though. The stuff I had in my old school, as opposed to this mini-production. Oh, the life I could've led... It's my own fault for bringing that upon myself.
(Aug) Cheung Chau: Here in Hong Kong (I start an awful lot of my paragraphs like this, don't I?), during the holidays, a lot of young people like to rent a house on one of the outlying islands for a few days to enjoy life outside the city for a change. We can go biking, go to the beach, eat lots of junk food and even bring our laptops, our Playstations and even our electric guitars to the house to just relax and be lazy (or in my social group's case, work and study :P).
This year, five people came to my house thing that I rented. Last year, twelve people came, so I was a little let down. I was happy that the four 'right' people came to accompany me. Especially the couple. Both of them lightened up my time there... It wasn't all smiles, but I was content. However...
(Aug) Loneliest I've ever felt: It was a strange night that night. They were asleep in the room and I didn't want to wake them (well, I did. And I texted them). I stepped outside, went biking for a while, bought a drink at the store at two in the morning, but gosh, the emptiness inside of me felt so strong, it was unbelievable. I sat on the beach, frantically, desperately trying to call everyone I could. Nobody would pick up their phones. I had no computer to go online. I was overwhelmingly sad and it was cold and it was dark and the beach was empty.
The beach is a place I usually go to sit and think about life. Beaches have always been comfortable for me. I find it nice when there is sand in my shoe, caught between my toes. I like the feel of my jeans drenched in seawater. I can have a good night's sleep on the sand, falling asleep and waking up to the sound of the waves. For some reason, that night just did not work for me. I was restless, lonely and miserable. I cried that night very, very hard. It brought back thoughts of my suicidal incident four years ago. It brought back memories of all the pain I ever experienced with either parent, with my friends, with my heart that's fallen in love so many times, so deeply and so wrongly. I just wished that someone was there so badly.
But I was considerate enough not to bother the couple. They had enough on their minds at the time. It came at the cost. How big of a cost am I, really?
(Oct) Started blogging: I didn't believe that blogging was therapeutic. I didn't think that I could entertain people, or that I could touch people's hearts with my writing. I just thought it was a leisure activity, where angry, depressed and/or talkative people would bail their hearts out and talk about the most insignificant things. I don't know why I felt this way, because normally, I'm usually a person that's very open to new experiences. But, in a rush of emotion one night, just because I was bored, I created Do you hate it too? and wow, I had no idea that people from the States, from Brazil, from the UK, from everywhere, could be so welcoming, and could give a damn about what I had to say.
I used to be mightily unhappy around my friends and family. They would piss me off to no ends. But if there's something I must thank them for, it's for doing exactly that. Driving the living Hell out of me with their annoyances so that I could start my blog and enter a whole new realm of socialization. I cannot express how grateful I am to all my followers and all the people who have such fantastic, inspirational, equally and differently opinionated blogs for me to read. Blogging is still not therapeutic (in fact, it gets stressful at times trying to come up with topics), but I think I can be confident in saying that it has brightened up my mood and cheered me up after a year that has been so eventful, stressful, troublesome, miserable and lonely. You are all like family, and I cannot wait to grow up, travel the world and meet all of you in person perhaps, visit the places you mention in your blogs, meet the people you talk about in your entries. Blogging is the biggest and the best part of my 2008.
*update: I forgot about the Presidential Elections,the Olympics and other big news. Goes to show how self-centred Iam...*
Here's a collective record of all the grades I've gotten from Primary 1 to Primary 6, and from Secondary 1 to Secondary 7. I've received two or three grades a year, but I'll just include the end-of-year results, i.e. the ones that matter, except, of course, for Secondary 7 which I'm still studying. For that year, I'll post the half-year grades I received last month instead:
P1 - ABP2 - AA
P3 - AAAAAAAAB
P4 - AAAAAABBBB
P5 - AAAAAAAABB
P6 - AAAAABBBBBB
S1 - **AAAAABBBBBBC
S2 - ***AAAAABBBBE
S3 - **AAAAAAAABB
S4 - AAAAABBBBBC
S5 - *AAAAAABBBC
S6 - AAABBBBC
S7 - AAAABBBB
Not to say I'm unfit, but the Cs I get are usually from Physical Education. I don't excel in most of the common sports such as basketball, tennis and hockey. I'm happy sticking with my pseudosports, bowling, snooker and golf. I say pseudosports because you don't run around in any of them, and you don't sweat as much (although, there are some exhilarating games where you will require some sort of energy drink.)
The E that I received in Secondary 2 was from Music class. At the time, I didn't know how to play any musical instruments. The music teacher was a pedantic one and disapproved of my rendition of Chopsticks, claiming it wasn't a 'valid' solo performance. I got 2 out of 25 possible marks for my performance and that equated to an E.
As you can clearly see, I've always been an A- and B-grade student. For those of you who are unsure of what the asterisk represents, it's a 'star', which is even better than an A. I don't really know how it is in any other school, but in our school, standing out academically is difficult. You would think a bunch of As and Bs is impressive, but not when compared to my classmates who receive grades not unsimilar to say, this one: **AAAAAA, or this one: *****AAA or even this one: *******A.
Seven stars and one A. That is insane. And extremely admirable. The fact that they have the capability to actually obtain close to the maximum standard of education in an official educational program is a fact that blows my mind.
Here's the thing. I know that I'm capable of that too. We all are if we study hard enough, pay attention in class, ask the teacher a million insightful questions, yadda, yadda, yadda... but even though I have a habit of procrastinating and cramming my head with revision material at the very last minute, I am fine with the As and Bs that I get, because I believe in the concept of no regrets. I don't and won't regret being just an A- and B-grade student, because in my heart, an A always stand for Amazing Achievement and B will stand for Brilliant. I don't need a star to make me feel good. I feel okay getting As and Bs because I know I tried my best the way I felt was best. I'm alright with it because I won't regret it.
A lot of my friends often feel like shit whenever they receive a bad mark for a poorly done piece of homework, or when they come out of an examination knowing that they haven't done as well as they could have. If we're being objective, most of the time, the reason they feel like shit is because they actually receive bad grades. There is also, of course, the pressure on one's shoulders that comes from parents that want to raise highly scholastic sons and daughters. And there is the feeling of inadequacy that people experience while living and learning amongst geniuses.
But, my advice is this: If you feel alright with yourself, that's all you need to do well in life. If you know you're lacking in some areas, then you really need to work, but if you truly feel comfortable with what you're rewarded with, that's okay. If you spend your time feeling worried, stupid or insecure, you will truly have more to regret in due time. I have been taught this lesson (and still get taught this lesson) many times, and this message doesn't only apply to school, but work, friendship, love and life as well. I don't regret missing the opportunity to get all those stars in the past few years. My strengths are for me to define for myself. You can define them too.
What are your strengths? What sort of As and Bs have you received that you see as stars?
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