University is a whole mess of food, drugs, music, sex, relationships, friends and strangers, laughter and tears, kissing and drinking, dancing and groping, randomness, and a little four-letter word, namely Love. It happens rapidly, it happens to just about anyone, it happens everywhere we go, especially in university where all of us have left our homes and our respective high schools, to have a great time, to take hold of the responsibility of taking care of ourselves, and to find what makes us happy - whether it's in terms of our academic interests, the clubs and activities we have a desire to participate in, the careers we have dreamed of all our lives and finally are able to pursue, and of course, the chance to discover like-minded people in an environment that's specifically designed and used for an integrated timetable of education, employment and entertainment, together amongst a diverse deluge of young, passionate, and fun-loving people, from around the world.
Finding like-minded people can be an intricate process for a lot of people. Some people have no problem falling into the arms of another upon meeting them, the fantasy story of love at first sight compels them to simply let loose, float about, and allow the tide of love and life to wash them away wherever the current may bring them.
But for me, it is something of difficulty. It takes a lot of time for me to learn to trust someone. It takes some time for me to get used to people before I can begin to like them. I haven't found someone here after two weeks, but it seems like almost everybody else has paired up already, leaving me the sole soldier on the peripheries of the social circles. I know this is because I am simply not daring enough to take the initiative, to ask people for their names, numbers and perhaps a bit of background.
I wonder all the time, why this has always been the case - why I am not interested in others at first, and I've realized that it is because I like getting the attention first. It makes me self-centered, an attention-seeking kind of guy, and it sort of sucks because I'll never find anyone to be with as long as I retain this problematic attitude.
But I want to be given a chance to be in a relationship with somebody. It has been so long since I have been, and I wonder if it has changed. I love the feeling of devotion, and the pride in being somebody's #1, in being loyal, in being one of a pair, in being ______ and Michael together.
I hate seeing everybody getting Facebook-married, I hate seeing them hold hands, I hate hearing them have sex at night, I hate feeling intrusive and out of place when I'm in the company of a couple.
It's going to take some time for me to readjust my position in social interactions, but I've got to make myself a more approachable and gutsy man before I can be deemed dateable. I've got to stop being so self-involved, if I ever am going to get that chance of experiencing falling in love with someone successfully again.
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5 comments:
Awwww, Michael. That's a sweet post.
Not to worry. In my experience, those university pairings are very fluid. It's better and more satisfying to know a little about someone before loving them. There are plenty of girls for all the boys, and there's a lucky one for you too.
I know what you mean, it's hard not being apathetic about it, but there's someone out their for you, don't give up!
加油! [I learned that in Chinese class today.]
:D
Aw this post made me sad. I think though it is better to be single that be with someone for the wrong reasons. I want to be with someone because I love them not because I don't want to be alone. Good luck with everything
Kate xx
This was one of the main reasons I loathed being at university. Never really fitted in with all the pairing off stuff. Being self-involved reduced the likelihood of being disappointed by people.
The best advice I can give you is to not go out seeking a relationship. Just try to build friendships and see what happens from there.
I've never had a boyfriend. I want one, but I've never had one.
I go to clubs and get drunk and make out with random people, which is nice to an extent, but you never see them again and you never know their names.
Sometimes I wonder that I'll never find anyone.
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