90 - A chance at love

University is a whole mess of food, drugs, music, sex, relationships, friends and strangers, laughter and tears, kissing and drinking, dancing and groping, randomness, and a little four-letter word, namely Love. It happens rapidly, it happens to just about anyone, it happens everywhere we go, especially in university where all of us have left our homes and our respective high schools, to have a great time, to take hold of the responsibility of taking care of ourselves, and to find what makes us happy - whether it's in terms of our academic interests, the clubs and activities we have a desire to participate in, the careers we have dreamed of all our lives and finally are able to pursue, and of course, the chance to discover like-minded people in an environment that's specifically designed and used for an integrated timetable of education, employment and entertainment, together amongst a diverse deluge of young, passionate, and fun-loving people, from around the world.

Finding like-minded people can be an intricate process for a lot of people. Some people have no problem falling into the arms of another upon meeting them, the fantasy story of love at first sight compels them to simply let loose, float about, and allow the tide of love and life to wash them away wherever the current may bring them.

But for me, it is something of difficulty. It takes a lot of time for me to learn to trust someone. It takes some time for me to get used to people before I can begin to like them. I haven't found someone here after two weeks, but it seems like almost everybody else has paired up already, leaving me the sole soldier on the peripheries of the social circles. I know this is because I am simply not daring enough to take the initiative, to ask people for their names, numbers and perhaps a bit of background.

I wonder all the time, why this has always been the case - why I am not interested in others at first, and I've realized that it is because I like getting the attention first. It makes me self-centered, an attention-seeking kind of guy, and it sort of sucks because I'll never find anyone to be with as long as I retain this problematic attitude.

But I want to be given a chance to be in a relationship with somebody. It has been so long since I have been, and I wonder if it has changed. I love the feeling of devotion, and the pride in being somebody's #1, in being loyal, in being one of a pair, in being ______ and Michael together.

I hate seeing everybody getting Facebook-married, I hate seeing them hold hands, I hate hearing them have sex at night, I hate feeling intrusive and out of place when I'm in the company of a couple.

It's going to take some time for me to readjust my position in social interactions, but I've got to make myself a more approachable and gutsy man before I can be deemed dateable. I've got to stop being so self-involved, if I ever am going to get that chance of experiencing falling in love with someone successfully again.

49 - You people are scaring me.

It's the weekend again, which means I can return to blogging with all the rest of you. I'm sure it's been a long week for all of you, but I hope you all have something to make you feel better this weekend, and something to look forward to this month.

How have I been doing? Well, I have a little something to share. It gets me a bit emotional, but in a good way, so here we go:

This blogging thing that I started three or four months ago has escalated to a point where the people in my real life are telling me I should publish books. They tell me they admire what I've done, that my writing is definitely very commercial and relevant.

I, with complete honesty, do not want to think about it. I think my skills are above average, but that is as far as I am willing to be proud of. It is not my humbleness that makes me think I'm not good enough, it is my practicality and my honesty that makes me doubt I am writer material. I am only seventeen. I am a student that achieves reasonably well in English class. But the reason people under twenty generally do not start publishing at that age is because you need many years of practice and experience in order to be great, to be truly fabulous, extraordinary and unique.

It's scary to have my mother dreaming of me succeeding as an author. Of course, an autobiography, novels and perhaps a 'Do You Hate It Too?' book have crossed my mind, but I am in disbelief. I understand that people in their youth can publish books. I get that I can do it if I worked at it.

But my heart isn't there right now. I want to publish books some day, but within the next three years seems a little soon and it scares me so much, I think I might pee a little. I'm damn frightened of that sort of fame.

Nonetheless, I still love the praise. In the blogging world, people care about me, and have found my writing and my life to be 'honest', 'beautiful', 'charming', 'humorous', 'mature beyond [my] years', 'excellent', 'interesting', 'thoughtful', 'thought-provoking' and 'emotional'. Someone two months ago said they respected me for being so honest, despite the fact that I don't believe I'm very respectable. I uncomfortably carry a high reputation on Blogger, when I don't reckon I am reputable.

This particular blog of mine urges me to be honest, and honestly, frankly, really, I believe I'm just a kid with familial, scholastic, romantic, and friend-related problems, with funny stories, with emotions, with a life like everybody else. I have always told people this piece of advice: you make your own life interesting. And that is what I've done, and what I hopefully will continue to do. I think anyone can do this and could write as well as I do.

Now, I actually get fanmail. Bloggers add me on Facebook. I actually have a social life that reaches further than it ever has before. People know my name, and think of my words and ideas while at work and school. People know me, and think I'm friggin' hilarious and wonderful. For most of the time, I don't believe I walk on the streets everyday, with people all over the world that expect me to write when I get home. I don't believe I've learned so much about so many mind-boggling things from being amongst such a talented, thoughtful cyberclique. I find it hard to believe in things that are this good.

And the rate at which all of this is growing is exponential.

Lately, I have frequently been stopping in the middle of my work to daydream.

And I find myself thinking, shit, what the Hell have I done to my life?

Is this really happening to me?