You know how people always suffer from depression and trust issues because they feel that bottling everything up is the way to deal with their problems? They keep all their innermost feelings in the innermost layer of their heart and never express the frustration, hurt or grief they experience and just prefer to treat the parts of their life that matter to them a huge secret.
As of right now, I am one of those people - the reason being that I feel that if I were to depend on someone, I will get let down by unmet expectations, or I will develop an overreliance on people, which would eventually lead me to a state where I feel alone, betrayed, and failed. I believe now that keeping everything about myself to myself is individual and strong, and demonstrates independence, maturity and confidence.
The reason I am like this is because I was exactly the opposite when I was a few years younger. I used to be over-dramatic, and I would tell everybody about the shit that was going on in my life because I thought getting people's sympathy and having the courage to 'trust' people with information was an attractive character in a person.
I used to be like that. It wasn't even about telling people I trusted. I rambled on and on in front of anyone that would listen, hoping that by telling just the recounts of my unfortunate life incidents, I could get people to like me. I stopped doing this because I realized I was just distracting myself from the emotions by telling the story again and again, to the point where I wore off my inner pain from telling it too many times.
So should I trust anybody, or do I trust nobody? From both experiences, where neither worked well for me, I think the answer is you have to find a balance. I'm never any good at balance. I like to be ultimate good (even though I'm not), I aim to be the best at school (even though I'm not), and in my conversations with people, I'm either really talkative about my personal life, or I'm not in the slightest. I don't know what to do, because I hate balance. But extreme people have no place in this society. Should you be an open book or a closed book?
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6 comments:
I am the same way with bottling up my emotions. Everyone thinks I'm so happy even when I'm not. I can be an in the closet pessimist at times. I'm trying to change.
Listen to Alice Cooper's "Eighteen" sometime.
Other than that, I don't wish to talk about it.
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Well, although I always bottle up my feelings and emotions, I think it will be better to be an open book, not to let others sympathaize me, but to allow them to confort me and encourage me to overcome the situation. Right now, I do not have the courage to share my feelings with anyone yet, but I really hope that I could muster enough courage to share my feelings with people I trust, and not to bottle up my feelings and end up crying silently to myself the whole day. I know it's tough to find people who are really trustworthy, so, u can just share your feelings with your closest kin, maybe your grandmother. I'msure u can trust her.
There is a saying that can be applied here too:
Never be haughty to the humble and never be humble to the haughty.
I think the same applies here too.
Ever since, I envy your ability to articulate your thoughts and feelings well. Currently I'm having this exact feeling you wrote, but it's been difficult for me to write about it. For some reason, I'm comforted just by reading your post.
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