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As of right now, I am one of those people - the reason being that I feel that if I were to depend on someone, I will get let down by unmet expectations, or I will develop an overreliance on people, which would eventually lead me to a state where I feel alone, betrayed, and failed. I believe now that keeping everything about myself to myself is individual and strong, and demonstrates independence, maturity and confidence.
The reason I am like this is because I was exactly the opposite when I was a few years younger. I used to be over-dramatic, and I would tell everybody about the shit that was going on in my life because I thought getting people's sympathy and having the courage to 'trust' people with information was an attractive character in a person.
I used to be like that. It wasn't even about telling people I trusted. I rambled on and on in front of anyone that would listen, hoping that by telling just the recounts of my unfortunate life incidents, I could get people to like me. I stopped doing this because I realized I was just distracting myself from the emotions by telling the story again and again, to the point where I wore off my inner pain from telling it too many times.
So should I trust anybody, or do I trust nobody? From both experiences, where neither worked well for me, I think the answer is you have to find a balance. I'm never any good at balance. I like to be ultimate good (even though I'm not), I aim to be the best at school (even though I'm not), and in my conversations with people, I'm either really talkative about my personal life, or I'm not in the slightest. I don't know what to do, because I hate balance. But extreme people have no place in this society. Should you be an open book or a closed book?
I've thought about the book thing and I have realized that I want to publish a Do you hate it too? book for the same three reasons I have written Do you hate it too? from the very beginning. The three reasons are:
1) I easily get annoyed by a lot of things, and typing it all down helps relieve stress,
2) and to present my ramblings to the world would mean that I am forced to think carefully about how I write, in order to successfully communicate with readers,
3) and as readers go through my work, they are able to relate, to share their stories which I enjoy reading, to catch a break from their busy lives, and perhaps get a good laugh out of it.
Never has this been for earning money, or fame - the greatest joy for me has always come in entertaining others, and knowing that as I blog, I am continuously refining my sense of written style and my sense of humor.
So what if it's a funny, silly book? It still sells, and the sole reason I believe that it would sell is because the premise for my blog has already 'sold' to hundreds of viewers already.
There are millions of people without the Internet, without computers, who prefer holding text in their hands, as opposed to reading it on a screen. I can reach a greater number of people, attract more viewers to my blog, and there is, of course, that short, sweet little aside - the fact that I might get money from it - that may help fund my own education and life-living.
And if it all doesn't work, it would still be a good experience, and I can take away from it the pride in knowing that I effing tried.
Your comments since I wrote my last post really helped me focus again on why I still do this. Thank you so much, and I promise you guys a mention in the acknowledgments, and a signed copy of the book when it hits the shelves. *wink*
If you have read my last entry on Do you hate it too?, you will know that my blog has been well-praised. This got my mother very excited, and she pushed an idea forward for me to consider: publishing a Do you hate it too? book.
When I first began doing this about a year ago, I had already begun to think about compiling them all up one day and putting them in a publication. 'Why I didn't do it earlier' is a question I often answered with weak claims that I'm too lazy, can't be bothered, or haven't got the time for, but to be entirely truthful, it's because I don't think it's good enough. I still feel like it really is just me giving a childish rant everyday, and honestly, what contribution to the world do I give, by exerting negativity within the blogosphere?
I know I make people laugh, but in the end, I cannot collaborate with, let's say, an anger management-orientated business, seeing as I don't offer tips on how to deal with the hates I write about. I don't give advice on how to use the English language, or how to deal with stress, or how to focus on thinking positively - even though that's what you would associate with my blog, if it were just a little bit different.
But it is the way that it is, and being an active consumer of the book-selling market myself, I know that this would merely sell as one of those silly books uncles buy for their nieces, and mothers would refuse to spend money on for their children. 'How about this novel on vampires, sweetie', 'Check out this book about dinosaurs' and 'Trevor, come see if you'd like this one full of brain teasers' they would chime. The blatent truth is, I believe Do you hate it too? is silly.
I need people who can change my mind about this, so if you have any words of encouragement, please share them with me, because I'm in a place with no self-confidence right now. I would love to begin this whole adventure right now, to find a distributor, to format a book, to sell it online, and to watch it sell on shelves in Hong Kong, Canada, the US and the UK. I probably would anyway to my mother's insistence, even if I still don't believe in the book.
But I know that if I don't believe in my own work, it won't be a success.
Sigh. What do you think? Any words of advice?
Behold the Canon PIXMA MP545:
Here's the first photo I could find that I thought I might use in this post to celebrate my very first personal printer and scanner. The image is of me and my mother when I was a very inquisitive kid.
Boy, I was fat...
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