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Someone once told me that it's way too easy to give up and do nothing. He told me that most people are born with either a need to always keep trying 'til they reach the top, or no such compulsion at all. Either they are goal-orientated, or they're happy-go-lucky.
I was born as one of the competitive ones who thirsted for success. It mattered to me who won at Monopoly games, and what grades I got in primary school, and who could be the most fun to be around and have the most friends at school.
But somewhere along the way, I know I gave up on myself. I started giving in to time constraints, not caring about the grades, or the attendance, and openly accepting punishment from my family and my teachers. I was kicked out of the house one time, I slept past school way too often, I thought to myself that the education system is a joke, I squandered my pocket money, and I became this self-absorbed, antisocial prick because being a friend to everybody was just too troublesome.
Because being well-behaved, and 'fighting' for greater and better things was just too difficult. It took up my time and energy, and that was the reason I gave myself permission to give in.
I can't do that anymore, I have to stop. All the best opportunities that have slipped through my fingers have slipped because I gave up. And five years from now, I don't want to talk about going back in time and telling my current 18-year-old self not to give up on something just because it's hard.
If I'm going through Hell, I have to keep going. I guess the point I'm trying to tell you (i.e., myself), if we're not seeing any purpose in doing something, it's possible that we're just not seeing it in the right way.
As of right now, I am one of those people - the reason being that I feel that if I were to depend on someone, I will get let down by unmet expectations, or I will develop an overreliance on people, which would eventually lead me to a state where I feel alone, betrayed, and failed. I believe now that keeping everything about myself to myself is individual and strong, and demonstrates independence, maturity and confidence.
The reason I am like this is because I was exactly the opposite when I was a few years younger. I used to be over-dramatic, and I would tell everybody about the shit that was going on in my life because I thought getting people's sympathy and having the courage to 'trust' people with information was an attractive character in a person.
I used to be like that. It wasn't even about telling people I trusted. I rambled on and on in front of anyone that would listen, hoping that by telling just the recounts of my unfortunate life incidents, I could get people to like me. I stopped doing this because I realized I was just distracting myself from the emotions by telling the story again and again, to the point where I wore off my inner pain from telling it too many times.
So should I trust anybody, or do I trust nobody? From both experiences, where neither worked well for me, I think the answer is you have to find a balance. I'm never any good at balance. I like to be ultimate good (even though I'm not), I aim to be the best at school (even though I'm not), and in my conversations with people, I'm either really talkative about my personal life, or I'm not in the slightest. I don't know what to do, because I hate balance. But extreme people have no place in this society. Should you be an open book or a closed book?
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