133 - Should you be an open book or a closed book?

You know how people always suffer from depression and trust issues because they feel that bottling everything up is the way to deal with their problems? They keep all their innermost feelings in the innermost layer of their heart and never express the frustration, hurt or grief they experience and just prefer to treat the parts of their life that matter to them a huge secret.

As of right now, I am one of those people - the reason being that I feel that if I were to depend on someone, I will get let down by unmet expectations, or I will develop an overreliance on people, which would eventually lead me to a state where I feel alone, betrayed, and failed. I believe now that keeping everything about myself to myself is individual and strong, and demonstrates independence, maturity and confidence.

The reason I am like this is because I was exactly the opposite when I was a few years younger. I used to be over-dramatic, and I would tell everybody about the shit that was going on in my life because I thought getting people's sympathy and having the courage to 'trust' people with information was an attractive character in a person.

I used to be like that. It wasn't even about telling people I trusted. I rambled on and on in front of anyone that would listen, hoping that by telling just the recounts of my unfortunate life incidents, I could get people to like me. I stopped doing this because I realized I was just distracting myself from the emotions by telling the story again and again, to the point where I wore off my inner pain from telling it too many times.

So should I trust anybody, or do I trust nobody? From both experiences, where neither worked well for me, I think the answer is you have to find a balance. I'm never any good at balance. I like to be ultimate good (even though I'm not), I aim to be the best at school (even though I'm not), and in my conversations with people, I'm either really talkative about my personal life, or I'm not in the slightest. I don't know what to do, because I hate balance. But extreme people have no place in this society. Should you be an open book or a closed book?

105 - On experience and actions

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Obviously, I hate it just as much as everyone else when people quarrel with each other, but then again, I also love listening to people argue because it is only then do you really see what people are thinking, what people want, and what people are truly like inside.

Often in these altercations, I have found that people sometimes use their backbone of experience as justification for why their point of view is right. They say they have demonstrated in the past that they have a moral code, maturity, the capability of understanding others, so on and so forth, and so we must conclude that their perspective is the one and only 'right' way of looking at what led to the argument.

"I'm always polite to everyone, so I don't see why I can't be rude just this once with you."  "I've met dozens of other people like you, and I've never had a problem with them."  "I have been through this before, and I think your behavior was fairly out of line."

At the end of the day, who really cares what you've done, or even what you do, so long as you smile and be kind to the people around you. If you upset somebody, apologize and let's all move on. How can you use the past as a premise to conclude you're right?

In the end, your actions speak louder than words, your actions demonstrate the kind of person you are, your actions form the reality of this particular experience you're experiencing right here, right now, so don't go claiming you're correct in the way you think because of the goodness you've shown in the past, when people are obviously upset by what you chose to do in the present moment, and frankly, it's just too damn bad that the kind of person you are, with all that experience behind you, would resort to making some poor decisions like that now.

48 - The late-shift Pizza Hut delivery guy

A particular friend of mine wrote a blog post about a special friend she had, and I'm inclined to think that special friend is me. Following her example, I shall not give her name, or call her to tell her that I wrote about her, but she knew I was going to read it, and I know she's reading this, too.

But she touched on something that really hit me hard, that made me swallow, that made me hold my breath, and that nearly made me cry as I was reading this one paragraph.

In her entry, she said that she found me by accident, and that our friendship should all be attributed to the efforts that I put in to the relationship. She said that I am the one who has encouraged her to partake in sexless hangouts, and that without my invitations, my texts and my calls, she would be at peace with being on her own. She said that she knew I had a lot of other close friends, and she viewed that as being quite depressing. If you look at it in a pessimistic, cynical way, she is just one of a bunch, a bunch of Michael's good friends. I can empathize with that, but read the following:

I know a lot of people. I cannot describe to you bloggers just how many people I know, but a lot of people have told me that I have touched their lives, changed their perspective deeply, been kind to them, appreciate me for my honesty, my scruffy, unique looks, my wit and humor, my sage advice, my hugs, my quirkiness, my words, my actions, my thoughts, my feelings (most notably, love), and my incredibly expansive insight regarding anything and everything.

I know a lot of people, and although I cannot express to you just how many that is, here's a taste:

• I was once suspended at school for collaborative and organized theft. I would go into the changing-rooms at school and scavange for spare cash in pants pockets and bags, while my British friend was the lookout and told me if someone was approaching. We've both moved on since being partners-in-crime, and he now lives in the UK. I love staying up late in Hong Kong, talking to him while it's only the early evening for him. I love him so much. He lives quite close to another friend:
• This other friend is Japanese and he's bisexual, just like me. He's been in England for a year and a half now, and likes it when bigger guys buy him drinks and escort him to their college dorms to spend the night. I fooled around with him many, many times when we went to school together five years ago, and I share all my intimate 'gay thoughts' with him because he knows what that's like. I love him, too, and can't wait to see him again some day.
• One thing that has been interesting for me being a bisexual, is how girls just love to be my friend, but don't want to be in a relationship with me. They like how thoughtful and good with the words I am, and they like that I don't indulge myself with guns, cars, sports, games or hair products. I have a dear friend, a girl, who I used to go to. I don't keep in touch with her much, but I had a crush on her once, and she had one on me, too. Whenever we do talk, she tells me her problems at school, in her family, that she would never tell anyone else about. And it moves me to know that she can find trust in me, a shoulder to lean on, a support system and an ear to listen. I love her, as well.
• I have a gay friend in Thailand, who works as a barista in Starbucks. He's 22, and wants to keep doing part-time temp. jobs like the one he has now. I have loving feelings for him, too.
  
• I have a friend, again, a girl, again, one that I had a crush on. She dances, she loves learning about physiology and anatomy. She always is determined to work hard, to be responsible, to be content, to be accepting, to be rational. She has a father that hits her in the face when he gets angry. It's sad. But unsurprisingly, I love her, too.
• I have similar feelings for twelve people in my class. There's the girl who achieves exceedingly well, and will go to Cambridge to study medicine, skipping the first year and moving straight on to the second. The sad part is that her parents will likely get divorced when she moves there.
• There's the short, unexercised girl who has had to follow her father's 'business' around the world for her whole life, never stopping long enough for her to make any 'real' friends.
  
• There's the boy who really wants to play the guitar for the rest of his life, but can't because his parents can't afford to send him to the US. There's the guy who smokes too much, the girl that fails her exams, the twins who struggle with keeping the peace and lessening the drama amongst all these other people with issues. And guess what? I love my class, too.
  
• I have seven old-fashioned, letter-writing pen-pals in the States, Canada, Australia and China,
• around two hundred people who I've talked to on Facebook in the past year,
• a handful of the LGBT community who I've met in forums and bars,
• teenagers and kids that live in my building,
• distant cousins and my three half-sisters,
• around five hundred schoolmates in three different schools,
• the late-shift Pizza Hut delivery guy, the McDonald's crew that know my face only too well and the 7-11 staff that have served me for years,
• and I have all of you Bloggers, all of you, even my list of 'Blogs I Follow' is very lengthy for following standards, but each of you have touched my life in so many different ways, and have reminded me that the world is much bigger than just your own city, a dot on the world map,
  
• and then I have my Best Friend, the one I trust with everything, the one that loves me unconditionally, the one that I care about the most, the one that has made me laugh more than anybody else, the one who was there to console me whenever I cried, the one that saved my life and talked me out of suicide, the one that stood by me with whatever was hurled at me, the one who knows all the rest, everybody, each individual I've encountered in my life.
  

The point that I wanted to express (and have strayed away from slightly with the whole dramatic, bullet-point thing) is that friendship is hard for me, too. Friendship is something that I don't know how to do well without relying on others. Friendship is something that I don't take credit for, and all I can see for myself is this long list, this incredibly long list that still doesn't convince me that I have a natural 'talent' with friends. I feel like giving up on friendship at times, I hate being friends with people when I get really angry at them. I am not confident in my ability to make and keep friends because I still get lonely, I still feel inadequate and inept, I still find it hard to simply define the bloody word itself.

What I am confident about is that you mean a lot to me, too. But, please, don't ever, ever feel unhappy with the fact that you are one of many. I treasure you, not more than them, or less than them, I just simply treasure you a lot. I've been maintaining friendships my whole life and I am sure that in my heart, I will cherish you after we graduate, and that we will keep in touch until the day we meet again, part ways again, and repeat the cycle over and over.

I hope you can find it in yourself to smile, despite being one of a bunch. You know that's the way I am. You know friendship makes me happiest. You know that I am here to live happily - not prosperously, not for the benefit of society, not for a long time. It says something about who I am in the left-sidebar, which is what I was trying to achieve by putting it there: 'I reckon that bonding with other people is all we humans are capable of doing well, and that the world has the capacity for each and every one of us to find people who we can share our lives with. I believe my purpose in life is to inspire, to share and to be one with the world.'

Like all the rest, I love you, too, my friend. I sure hope it ain't depressing.

39 - Interviewed.

I've been interviewed by Argentum Vulgaris, creator of 'Nether Region of the Earth II', 'Tomus Arcanum' and 'Things that Fizz and Stuff'. If you want me to interview you, well, just take a look at the instructions at the end of this post to find out how.

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1. Your blog is actually very interesting, why did you choose to tell the world about personal dislikes as opposed to likes?
One day I felt the compulsion to create something where I could write everyday, and my friend suggested that I start a blog. Before I started Do you hate it too?, I used to rant about everything to my friends exceedingly and it annoyed them, and stressed me out a lot. It just seemed like a good idea for a blog and I knew I could carry on writing about my dislikes for such a long time. I could never write about my likes on a daily basis. I've thought about making a Do you love it too? blog, but generally, I lack the ideas for it and I don't have the time to manage both.

2. During you recent blogging career you have disclosed some pretty personal stuff. Stuff that many of us prefer to keep as skeletons in our familial closets. Why do you feel that you can trust the blogging community given that most of us remain anonymous to a degree?
I don't trust the blogging community. (ouch, right?) I trust my best friend and myself and that's about it. Disclosing my secrets isn't and never has been an indication of trust for me. The past is just the past, my sexuality is just a preference and radical thoughts are simply thoughts. I have no problem talking about the truth, nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to stuff that others would otherwise keep secret. To be blunt, what can the anonymous blogging community do to me if they know stuff about me? Who would dare to do something anyway?

3. You have said that you are half-Filipino. Which half and why do you live in Hong Kong?
My dad is Filipino and my mom is Hong Kong Chinese. My paternal grandfather brought my dad and his siblings to Hong Kong to get into the thriving shipping business, while my maternal grandfather brought my mom and her seven sisters from mainland China to Hong Kong for a better life under the British occupation. My parents met while working in a hotel and I was born here. In the divorce, my mother got custody and I guess since she likes stability, I have always stayed in Hong Kong with her.

4. Are you guilty of any of the things that you hate too?
Clinginess, gluttony, talking too much, forgetfulness, losing my temper, being rude in the morning, being disorganized, and Christmas greed.

5. For a young person, you spend a lot of time on your blog, what do you gain from this experience?
I get to write on a daily basis, so that (hopefully) improves my writing skills and helps me with sticking to a routine. The people in my life are already very enjoyable to be around, but here, I get to meet a far greater number of interesting and unique individuals. I've always been intrigued by humans and human behavior (which is why I want to study anthropology next year) and blogging is perfect for that.

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If you’d like to play along, just follow these instructions:

* Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
* I will respond by giving you five questions in a comment on your blog. I get to pick the questions.
* You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. Be sure you link back to the original post.
* You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
* When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

36 - Life stories are meant to be told slowly.

Over the course of the past week, I have had a lot of thoughts on what to post on this blog but I haven't had the time to do it because of school. It's a shame, really, because now my mind is drawing a blank and I suppose it's just a result of using too much of my brainpower doing schoolwork. (Boy, I miss those holidays.)

So, as I sit here, cross-legged and hunchbacked on the end of my bed with my laptop, I'm thinking about my life (as I always do) and it feels like my life has stretched on forever. I know I will repeat this statement some other time. I know when I turn sixty, I will think to myself, Seventeen-year-old Michael, boy, you really had no idea how long life could be. But right now, I think I have the right to say that and think that. I feel I've had it longer than most seventeen-year-old people, and to me, these seventeen years feel like they've been going on forever. (I'm still not sure what I want to talk about in this post.)

Yes, seventeen years has been a long time. You see, that's just the thing. Where do I even begin to decide what to post about in this one? Who says one episode of my life deserves to be shared more than another episode? There are just so many episodes to choose from, so many of them interesting for readers and close to my heart.

I remember this one blogger whom I met when I first launched 'Do you hate it too?'. She was a girl, fifteen, with a somewhat dark and mysterious display picture. What struck me as odd and interesting about her was the way in which she laid out her entire life in bullet-point form in a single post. In that one entry, she stated that she had crappy parents, gotten pregnant, self-harmed, taken drugs and moved from place to place. I knew she was looking for answers by saying all that. I knew she was looking for someone to listen, maybe even to help. But to get help we need to know how to ask for it.

You see, I could do that. I could lay out my life in a single post. I'll do you one better: I can sum up my entire life into this paragraph: I was born in 1991 and my parents got divorced in 1993. I spent a year in Canada with my mom's family, then one year on the beach with my dad. Then I moved to my maternal grandparents' apartment, where I currently reside. I was clever and happy in primary school, and during that time, my mom brought me on many travels while my dad got remarried and had three daughters. I entered high school in 2002. I got suspended for theft in 2003. Someone pushed me out of the bisexual closet in 2004. I got expelled for theft in 2005. I was half an hour away from committing suicide on June 17, 2005. I entered a new school (the school I go to now) and there, I found friends and myself. My dad got divorced again and I won't forgive him. I like reading, watching television and blogging. Now, I'm clever and happy, just like in primary school, but even more so. I go to university soon.

You see that? You see how easy that was?

But where is the emotion? Where is the complexity in these issues? It just isn't there. And that's why I think that people need to learn how to stop moaning, complaining and throwing words like 'drugs', 'divorce' and 'suicide' around like they don't mean anything deep. Surely, they are the words you use to refer to these events, and I'm not discounting the fact that these things didn't make a huge impact on your life, but those words don't make up your life and they do not define you.

I take my blogging seriously and I know things need to be told slowly for people to welcome you, accept you and want to hear about you if you have a personal blog. I wonder if that girl still reads my blogs because I haven't seen her post anything or leave comments at all since the end of last October. But I hope she knows now that she can't expect people to listen if she overwhelms readers like that. Those who have been following my blogs for some time know what I'm like. People who know me in real-life know that 'bisexual', '17', 'teenager' and 'Asian' don't and cannot describe me well enough.

Those words are understatements of what it truly feels like to be those things. And it's about time some people learned that the true value of people's stories are in the ideas they put forward about their thoughts and feelings, that their life story's value does not lie in the bland words people assign to life-changing experiences. Otherwise, I would comprise a bunch of labels, like 'that boy with the divorced parents', 'the kid that got expelled', or 'that dumb blogger with that hate blog'.

So, anyway. That looks like a post so let's end it there. I look forward to learning more about all of your lives slowly and I will continue to take my time in introducing you to mine.