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My best friend and I always say that these things don't matter to us, but from my perspective (don't know about him), I know I'm sort of in denial. I really would like to appreciate the finer things in life... generosity of spirit, the beauty of nature, the love that stems from family, the sacred bond of friendship, the splendor of the great, wide world...
But cash in my pocket, numbers and letters on a sheet of paper, and loud, techno music playing in clubs full of drunken girls and preying old men, actually evoke feelings within me. I care about these things, even though I know it's not that 'spiritually'... 'up there'.
Oh, well. I guess I'm superficial.
I realize I haven't been visiting anybody's blogs for two weeks now. I'll get back to it soon, I just don't have much of a mood these days. I'm really bored, and I wish I had more money to go out but it's costly. This holiday sucks...
When other people tell me they're bored, I tell them a story, ask them if they want to go see a movie, have dinner, or go to the library with me. I talk to them for hours on the phone, perhaps, and I manage to entertain them until they find something to occupy themselves with finally, or until they're tired and want to go to sleep.
The sad thing is that I don't get any satisfaction out of it. I've served my 'duty' as friend or family, but I guess making another person happy just isn't enough to make me happy.
I'm not altruistic at all. I'm a big egoist, and a big egotist, and I'm a selfish brat. What's an egomaniac to do when society demands politeness, sincerity and generosity from him?
He is to say, and do, all the right things for others. He is to tell others what they want to hear to reassure them, comfort them, to put across a message of 'someone really cares about you.' He is to tell others, based on his own knowledge and experience, what he thinks others can do to improve their lives, or their relationships with others, by tactfully injecting confidence, courage, and the like, into their heads. He is to ask others, for favors or the occasional question, to feed their egos, and make them feel knowledgeable, wanted and needed. He is to help others accomplish their dreams, and perform their errands, in order to make their lives go by more efficiently, happily, or in a more worthwhile way.
All of this is, of course, if the guy wants to be accepted within his community despite being egocentric.
Yes, I'm bored. I really want to go somewhere, but I don't want to ask for other people's money, and I don't want to have to ask for other people's time and company.
Oh, well. Maybe I'll go paint a self-portrait or write my autobiography or something... The ego is a funny thing, ain't it?
You may have heard this quotation before. Albert Einstein once said, "Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving." I think it's sage advice, one of the best ones I've ever heard in my life.
I think about the people around me, in my school, outside of school, at home, in the UK, the US, Canada, Australia and the Philippines. It seems like everybody carries some grudge, some trauma, some burden. It's sad because all of this resentment, sadness and worry simply remain there unceasingly. People carry with them their deep, dark secrets for months, years and entire lifetimes. I find it interesting how every single little thing that you do can change the final outcome of your life. There are an infinite number of places I could be tomorrow, several billion people in this world I could meet this year, an insurmountable number of ways I could die at any point.
What astounds me is how one hug, from one person, at one particular time, in one specific place, can make you feel more loved than you ever have. I find it strange how one petty crime can cause your expulsion from school, how one careless mistake can land you in a juvenile prison, how one relationship with a boy can cause a girl several months of great distress, how one name can change your entire social life, how one insignificant argument can escalate to a divorce, how one book can change your life perspective, how one person's words can motivate you, and how one life well-lived can change millions of others. In a split second, your life could end if it had not been for one special circumstance, or one other person, or if it had been a second later. Life is absolutely crazy.
But you pick yourself up after heartbreak, after tragedy, after all the fretting. You shed your embarrassment, your anguish, your melancholy, and you focus on what you can do to turn things around, implement change, and make things better.
'Life is too short to be lived miserably' is the perfect quotation to epitomize this message. You can't wait for the clouds to subside, you can't expect too much from the Sun. If you want a brighter life, one that's more balanced, then that's your right and your responsibility. Keep your chin up and smile.
I went out drinking again.
I don't know what to say, because I don't know what happened. I just want to sleep my troubles away, like many people do, but I know I will have to face the consequences of my actions tonight.
However, I love the dancing, and some selected drinks.
I miss my best friend. I wish he was here right now.
He would know what to do.
I love him too much for my own good.
I've lost so much in the past few weeks. I want to look toward my parents and my class for some sort of light, some sort of guidance, because they are the people I'm obliged to be with.
On the other hand, they disappoint me, they hurt me, they piss me off.
Am I expecting too much? Am I too susceptible to insult? Am I too emotional?
Yes, yes and yes.
It doesn't matter.
It all doesn't matter because next year I won't even be here anymore.
I don't just mean in a physical sense.
My personality - I'm radically changing it when I go to university.
Even if you come back to me, even if you regret it, you won't find me there.
I'm gone.
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