135 - Don't give up

If I could go back in time five years ago and meet myself and have a conversation with the thirteen-year-old me, I would tell him that there isn't anything he can't do if he tries hard enough. Only my parents, my closest friends and I know my deepest, most fundamental flaws, and one of the ones that keeps cropping up in my life is my willingness to give in to pressure, to the difficulties placed in front of me.

Someone once told me that it's way too easy to give up and do nothing. He told me that most people are born with either a need to always keep trying 'til they reach the top, or no such compulsion at all. Either they are goal-orientated, or they're happy-go-lucky.

I was born as one of the competitive ones who thirsted for success. It mattered to me who won at Monopoly games, and what grades I got in primary school, and who could be the most fun to be around and have the most friends at school.

But somewhere along the way, I know I gave up on myself. I started giving in to time constraints, not caring about the grades, or the attendance, and openly accepting punishment from my family and my teachers. I was kicked out of the house one time, I slept past school way too often, I thought to myself that the education system is a joke, I squandered my pocket money, and I became this self-absorbed, antisocial prick because being a friend to everybody was just too troublesome.

Because being well-behaved, and 'fighting' for greater and better things was just too difficult. It took up my time and energy, and that was the reason I gave myself permission to give in.

I can't do that anymore, I have to stop. All the best opportunities that have slipped through my fingers have slipped because I gave up. And five years from now, I don't want to talk about going back in time and telling my current 18-year-old self not to give up on something just because it's hard.

If I'm going through Hell, I have to keep going. I guess the point I'm trying to tell you (i.e., myself), if we're not seeing any purpose in doing something, it's possible that we're just not seeing it in the right way.

55 - We could learn a thing or two from animals.

Humankind sucks.

We are afflicted by money. We scam, exploit and blackmail people. We spend prolifically and worse yet, unequally, and worse yet, insatiably. Basic necessities such as food, shelter, sanitized water and health have a price? Even if we have money, we are trapped by our finances in that we must shape our lives’ paths within the limits of our pecuniary ability. And it breaks your heart to know that you cannot devote all of your money to worthy causes, even though people out there are impoverished and undernourished, dirty and suffering, even though you are not a callous person.

We, as humans, commit the sin of cupidity. We have the liberty to waste our days away sitting on a couch, stare at a useless contraption known as a television all day, and eat nothing but greasy takeaway pizza. We adorn our homes with non-biodegradable plastic ornaments and toxic paintings. Decorations… jeez, we are vile.

We can never agree upon anything, because humans are a bad species that are cursed with the ability to admire, to envy, to fight, to harm each other for reasons other than survival, to cheat, to lie, and ultimately, to hate.

And that is why I admire animals.

Squirrels are clever planners in that they save their food, selectively, so no food is leftover and wasted. In the same way, camels are able to survive happily on their own in vast, expansive deserts with a mere storage of water in their humps. A potato bug, although is mildly depressive, seems to function pretty well living where they live. A cheetah, copes with its environment by being fierce and speedy, and hunts hard to earn their food, unlike us, who lazily input numbers, regurgitate our literature, and press buttons, and push and pull joysticks for our daily bread.

Although a turtle is slow, it is self-reliant, well protected and peaceful. Dogs are known for their loyalty. Cats don't need environmentally unfriendly soaps and shampoos to be fastidious self-cleaners. Birds know how to be free. Elephants are wiser. Pigs are humbler. Monkeys and gorillas are better communal primates than we are. Ants are more hard-working. Dung beetles actually make use of feces, while we just throw all our crap into landfills.

Boy, why can't we be like them? We shouldn't lose some of our animalistic qualities. With a little inspiration from the animal kingdom, I think the world would be better managed, and better lived.

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Oh, by the way, Dad's postponed until Sunday.

30 - It all ends here and now.

I'm back from my vacation in China and I've done the whole countdown thing. It's twelve hours into 2009 and it doesn't feel much different.

I was going to write a post yesterday night in the early hours of New Year's Day. I was inebriated from the party. I know my thoughts are clearer when I'm drunk. When I say this, I mean my inner feelings, and what I want deep inside seems more evident when I've had some alcohol. Whether I would have been able to describe those inner emotions in words is another matter, but nonetheless, yesterday night, in my head, everything was so clear, everything filed in neat compartments in my mind. That's the kind of thing I see when I'm drunk. I see everything organized, structured and less confused. I hate messes. I hate eating spaghetti for this reason. I like lasagna. The layers. The procedure in making it is so methodical. And now I'm hungry.

But before I digress any further, or go out for lunch, I want to write about last night.

New Year's Eve is interesting, to say the least. Everything's awkward at first as people arrive, as people scan the room quickly to see who made it, as people greet each other politely and observe how formal everyone else has dressed. People stare at the stranger friend if there is one. People inquire about the liquor available for the rest of the evening. They laugh if the class clown makes a joke - whether it's funny or otherwise. They ask each other how their Christmas went. They want to watch a movie, they want to play the Wii, they want to listen to music, anything to escape the first few minutes where everything is awkward, where everything isn't celebratory yet. But one thing is for sure, we know we are all meant to be happy. It isn't the time to be angry or miserable because it's New Year's Eve, goddamnit! We want to meet 2009 with smiles on our faces, with laughter in the air, with warmth kindled by each of our friendships and our collective class spirit.

Although it's awkward at first, we then all sort of melt into it. The caps come off the drinks, the movie's on and people no longer talk about how their Christmas went because that's in the past. 2009 is approaching and so we talk about the future. Our new year resolutions and where we all plan to go for university.

On New Year's Eve, everything is in this weird transitory Limbo where the present time doesn't really matter. We only concern ourselves with the 365 days we call "two-oh-oh-eight" and the 365 days we call "two-oh-oh-nine". We don't care about the 'now' on New Year's Eve. That's why we drink. That's why we smoke. That's why a guy would wear a girl's jacket, and why a girl can wear two-inch heels. That's why we scream off rooftops. That's why we hug whoever is there, or accept a hug from whoever offers it. That's why the dancers stretch their muscles in their tight jeans. That's why the guys give each other piggyback rides. That's why we all make stupid faces in photos. That's why we just don't care. We don't care that we're alone, angry, let down, rejected, out of place, insignificant or heartbroken because it's the New Year, damn it. Nothing matters because it's time for a change. Because we all have had our setbacks, our pitfalls, our mistakes, our tears and our troubles in 2008. It all changes after we count down to zero. It all ends here and now.

But then comes the real test. After the countdown. What do you do? Be sad that it's over? Be thoughtful and apathetic? Be happy and hopeful? Because that's what we all have to face. You can be the guy who leaves the party with a frown. You see everything wrong with your life on a dirty platter in front of you and you sigh, you cry and you feel the same as you did the miserable night before. You can also be the guy that leaves the party with your composure, a neutral view toward the party and a lot of thought. Emotions aren't there, it's just reason. You just like to reflect. If those two aren't for you, you can be the guy that leaves joyous with faith, who looks at the new year as a golden opportunity where dreams and goals can be achieved, where love can be felt and bliss can surround you.

Who do I want to be this year, or on New Year's Day? That's what you have to ask yourself after the countdown.

For me, it was strange. At first, I was sad that it was over. Then I was thoughtful and apathetic. I went to bed and woke up happy and hopeful. I feel like Dante in The Divine Comedy, going from Hell, through Purgatory and on to Heaven. I confess: I did leave the party crying. I missed the friends that weren't there, and when I left, it hurt to leave the friends that were there. But I left because it hurt to remain there as well. It hurt because I felt alone, even in a crowd. I felt out of place, like I should have been somewhere else. Like nobody wanted me there.

I left the party crying. So what? I called a friend. She brought me to Purgatory, where sadness slowly turned to a hopeful outlook on things. It allowed me to wake up feeling like this. Not happy necessarily, but content, restive and peaceful. Things have changed and I won't live like I did last year. That all ends here and now. (It's cool that I get to say 'last year' for the first time.)

I have been saying that for two weeks now. It all ends here and now. What exactly does that mean?

Well, I've made my resolutions, and I'm going to try my best to stick to them. 2008 was tiring.

Very tiring. And I think my resolutions will allow me to get some rest.

You see, people have told me that I am too negative, pessimistic, cynical and/or misanthropic and this has led to my exhaustion. I have to disagree. As I said in my introduction on Do you hate it too?, I like to think of myself as critical and observant. That is all.

Because I can also see beauty. I can experience joy, especially with the people I love. But I'm sorry, I like to fix things. I like to solve problems and only by identifying the flaws around me, I can then find answers to difficult questions. I will always be critical of others, judgmental and a keen observer. That will never change. But it was putting my emotions into my criticism that drove me to exhaustion. Not just negative emotions, but positive ones as well have led to my downfall. Seeing too much beauty in other people made me lust, yearn and care for people 'til my time and energy was wasted, until other people got sick of it. And seeing too many flaws in other people made me unappreciative, selfish, mean and disdainful. Controlling these emotions and my own personality is something I need to learn to make myself a better life.

I've been through Hell. Now, I'll keep on going. It's the foundation of this blog. It's my philosophy (and Winston Churchill's, of course). I want to live happier. I'll readjust myself to make that happen. Hell (Hell, I tell you!) ends here and ends now!