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I'm not that entirely sure of what I should type in this vast, white space that Blogger provides me with to rant, rave and ramble about my personal thoughts and happenings, my mind is quite blank itself, just like the canvas that I now imprint my words on to, empty like the plate I fed myself from an hour or so ago that's now in the dishwasher, cleared and cleaned, leaving the bare china for use once again. But I feel obliged to say something because it is New Year's Eve, and because 2010 arrives at my chronological doorstep in less than three hours.
So, I guess the standard action to take would be to talk about what I've done and learned in 2009. Honestly, I've done and learned a lot, but I don't wish to bore you with the details right now. So perhaps I will just give you a list, because I like lists:
- I turned 18.
- All of my friends turned 18.
- I went through my high school exams.
- I got paid for the first time, working a bartending job.
- I said goodbye to everybody I knew.
- I moved to England, and met a lot of people at university.
- For the first time in a long time, I didn't spend my winter holidays in Hong Kong.
- I found ways to deal with sadness, loneliness and confusing friendships.
- My bond with my parents and my best friend grew even stronger.
- I continued to blog and now have plans to publish a book next May.
2009 could've been a really emotional year. A lot more emotional than it actually turned out to be. But I think I fulfilled the resolution I made last year, which was to learn how to control my emotions, and be more positive in my everyday life. Becoming an official adult meant that I had to stop reacting so childishly and impulsively to bad things happening to me, moving to England and meeting new people tested my inner strength and forced me to find happiness and comfort from within, and working as a bartender in the summer meant that I had to practice customer service and be more tolerant of annoying people.
While going through all of this, I've now found a new set of challenges too. I've found that time management is something I'm really lacking. I don't know how to sort out myself to fit my sleeping time, my working time, my studying time, my socializing time and my relaxing time into the same schedule. With my current prospects to publish a Do you hate it too? book, and manage six or seven blogs by the end of next year, while juggling my second year of university, finding a house to live in next September, and starting to get serious about my trip around the world in seven years, I have to work hard at trying to comprehend the exact essence of which time is.
With the management of time comes the management of my money, my learning capabilities, my priorities, and my sense of responsibility. Basically, my New Year resolution, I think, will be to strive for orderliness and organization in my life.
All the while, making sure I continue to keep my emotions in check, of course. We don't want the past coming back to haunt me.
So, I've already prepared a fairly detailed schedule that gives me space to work, read, sleep, eat, blog, watch TV, and do other useless crap (e.g., Facebook, Sporcle, Twitter, sleep some more...). I'm confident that the schedule will be effective and that the idea of it being a new year, being a new chance, will keep me motivated enough to actually fulfill this resolution like I did with the last one I made.
If you've come over here from Do you hate it too?, once again, I say Happy New Year, my readers.
If you didn't, then I give you a virtual hug and wish you all the best in 2010.
Remember guys, if all is looking glum, there's always a way to work things out. E-mail me if you ever need to. Just keep in mind the message passed down to us by Winston Churchill: If you're going through Hell, keep going.
I have an aversion to sleep - although, nowadays, I often pass out on my bed anyway - something I didn't do before. Back in my heyday, around four, five, six years ago, I would go on living with around only five hours of sleep per week. I loved to stay up late, I felt so great having so much time to play pointless online games (after completing all of my homework, of course), and read stuff online.
Now, I feel like my quota for time spent awake is finally running low. I can't help but to fall asleep, sometimes at the most obscure and inconvenient times - right before a lecture, right before a party, right before the sun comes up, right before lunchtime. I'm trying to stay awake, and when my mind can't take it any longer, it compels me to draw the curtains shut, turn the lights off, and simply catch some desperately needed rest, whether or not I have somewhere to be in a few hours, regardless of whether or not I believe I'm going to be able to get up later or not. My case is serious, because I will really throw away all of my obligations and responsibilities—my classes, my family time, my job—just to stay in bed another five minutes longer, ten minutes longer, oops, what time is it?... eight hours have gone by?... I'm screwed, might as well go back to sleep... ZZZzzzzzz.........
Honestly, I have Googled ways to increase insomnic ability. It's a little bit sad, and that's right, I call it an ability. Because if I could just push through another few hours without rest each day, I would be able to do so much more. The pile of things I wish I could tend to gets taller and taller everyday, and at an exponential rate. I've been warned before, about how it's bad for my skin, and bad for my eyes, and bad for my brain to stay awake over overly long hours of the day, but I don't care. I want to sleep less. It's only because I used to be the best at it back in the day that makes me stubborn, and in denial of the fact that I'm not the young man I was a few years ago, capable of doing things that my now tired body cannot.
Sigh.
University life is not that radically different from the life I led back in Hong Kong. My friends all tell me how great it is to finally live beyond the smothering, overly restrictive hold of their parents, how wonderful it finally is to be free. But I've always had kind of a free lifestyle (whether that's a good or bad thing is unclear), so I don't really feel much change. I've always been able to do whatever I want, eat what I want, make friends with whoever I want, without anybody ever telling me what I should or shouldn't do.
This makes my journey of life a big trial-and-error process. That's the way I don't necessarily prefer to live my life - simply, it is the way I have done so, to feel accomplished after logically working out a suitable solution to my problems, and to feel humbled and enlightened when my thought-up solution turns out to be not that suitable.
So far, I have been eating a lot of microwave meals and junk food in the past two weeks. Whenever I sense a sore throat coming, I purchase a ready-to-eat, dielectrically heatable soup - which should be healthier, and good for my throat. I drink it, and the soreness wears away. Laundry has been easy, I've just followed the instructions on the box - no white clothes coming out colored is a WIN for me. Ironing has gone successfully as well - thanks to instructions and tutorials on Youtube and DIY websites that I simply Googled. And lecture theaters have been easy to locate. I was always good at reading maps. And having a good directional sense in the absence of one.
Life is nice. I decide what I eat. I'm learning what I want to learn. I truly have my own room, which I decorate and keep clean myself. I join the clubs and societies I have a passion for. I might get a part-time job soon - bartending or waiting, of course. I have so much time to do whatever I want, to read, to watch television series and review them, to write, to explore this new place, and to just think to myself - there has been a lot of time to myself. This amount of independence is certainly a step above what I had in Hong Kong.
And it feels incredibly good.
I stopped working at my first job ever three days ago. It was a nourishing experience, and damn, I was so proficient by the time I reached my last day that there were a few times in the past three days of my new-found holiday when I wondered to myself if I could maybe just go there and work for one night? A busy night where they might need my help?
But no, my boss wouldn't let me do something like that.
I worked with some nice people there, a lot of different people, and I really did learn a lot. 'Fine dining' is not as glamorous and impressive to me as it used to be. By that, I mean to say, that no matter how pretty and delicious the food comes out, you might want to know that there's a rat that lingers underneath the stoves at night. Also, 'high-quality customer service' is nothing but a meretricious way of earning more tips. And if you think teamwork is important in the F&B industry, you're wrong. It's more like tolerance.
People at my job don't know how to chillax. Waiters and waitresses are always so impatient. Everything has to be done quickly, everything has to be done now. Chefs and kitchen staff are no better. They're hot-headed, they want their iced coffees and their fruit punches all the damn time, and if they don’t get it, they lose their tempers, and make you feel like you’re the next thing they’re going to cook for dinner. Managers and assistant managers are so cocky, they think they never make any mistakes, when they're actually lazy, and arrogant, because of the authority they have over us. To me, it seemed like only the bartenders knew how to relax and do a good job at the same time.
But all in all, a pretty fun, awesome time. I earned a lot of money, with which I bought an iPhone and a lot of other good stuff. Time to move on now, I guess. Who knows what I might end up working as next, or in the future? Can't wait to see.
Just for those of you who are unfamiliar, here's a little summary of my current situation: my parents are divorced and I live with just my maternal grandparents. My father was 'being difficult' last summer in a number of ways, and since July, I haven't seen or spoken to him. He was self-centered, and always moaned about his ex-wives and his boss. Consequently, he was insensitive to my problems. I got sick of him, and that side of my family. He was a waste of my time.
Tonight, on this homework-crammed night, I received a text message from my father that said: "I wanna see you this thursday".
I will see him on Thursday. And I am scared.
In the past year or so, I have gradually become more and more scared of depending on the people who are close to me. This is because, in the past year, I have been greatly disappointed by three people who are very special to me.
One was my best friend. One was a girl. And one was my father.
I think I am partially culpable for my own downfall, but I do hold expectations for certain people because I think giving, sharing and tolerating is what friends and family do for each other. I always take a leap of faith with people because I believe good hearts lie within each of us. Since last year, I've really learned the hard lesson: people aren't always reliable.
But I'm going to see my father with a open heart because I think it is the mature thing to do. I'm going because we are connected by blood. (I am always amazed by how well he and my mother know me so well without the formalities of actually learning about each other that exist with friends.) I'm going because I believe I got angry over something silly, because I reckon I lost my respect for him too quickly in a rush of emotion. And I'm going because shooting some snooker and downing shots of Jack Daniel's has always been fun. With him.
On the other hand, I am scared that he will still be irresponsible, and irrational, self-involved and arrogant. I am scared that by having him in my presence, the negative traits which he has passed on to me by blood will emanate out of me despite my constant internal repression. I am scared that I will have to go through losing him all over again if I get impatient with his cocky personality one night after a taxing day at school. And I am scared that he will distract me, have an impact on my grades, and affect my future.
My fellow bloggers, tell me the sun will shine, please.
Please tell me I don't have to be scared.
Please tell me I'll be fine.
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