103 - On my big dreaming

I've been thinking about getting a Twitter account, but am not entirely sure if I'm up for it. There's a lot of ideas brewing in my mind at the moment, and I think I want to list them all out just so I can then focus on what I want to do. So here it goes:

My profile
I don't like my profile. I don't know why. I'll have to perhaps wipe it all off and start on a clean canvas just to paint the perfect picture I want.

Do you hate it too?
I need to keep posting daily, and I need to sign on to more blog directories and communities (like Twitter). I might possibly do a slight reformatting as well, but nothing too drastic, just maybe add a few more widgets and fun stuff on the side bars. As for The Book, I will need to start picking out fifty posts, what I reckon would sell to consumers everywhere, put them in a single word document, do a bit of editing and formatting. I need to pitch a concept for the cover to my best friend, who is quite skilled in the world of photography and graphic design. My other close friend might also be interested in writing a foreword for me. [To-do reading: the publishing process, marketing and advertising, how to work together with your mom, how to be even funnier]

"If you're going through Hell, keep going."
I sometimes feel like this blog is a bit of a mixture of loads of different blog themes put together. Sometimes, I talk about my travels, sometimes I talk about my past, sometimes I talk about my feelings, and sometimes I just post up a Youtube video. Despite the versatility, I feel that it's not really encapsulating my whole self - I still don't talk about the TV shows I watch, the anthropology course I study, the books I read, or where I want to go in the future. In the end, I meant for this to be about my daily life, and it's just really difficult to stay focused on that, when everything else also occupies my mind. Which is why my solution is going to be...

Anthropology blog
I've been doing quite a lot of reading since I've been here in university, and it's starting to get on my nerves how long it's taking me to actually announce the commencement of this blog. The problem is that I just haven't sat down yet to get started on posting anything on it, and well, now I'm pissed at myself, to be honest. So, I vow to post something on there this weekend, because it has to start some time. And if I just can't be bothered, I know I'll be guilted into doing on Monday morning, I'm sure of it. [To-do reading: nature of anthropological study, history of mankind, Sicilian women, the Kwaio, the Azande, loads of other societies...]

Youtube blog
I have a good friend who lives in Hong Kong, and whenever I ask her what she's doing, more often than not, she's going on Youtube. I, myself, have found a lot of funny, intriguing, thought-provoking videos there, and I thought it would be a good idea to start a blog with this friend of mine. Together, we find one video to post on it everyday, and whoever found the video will briefly talk about why it's worthy of your attention. I'm quite excited about this, but with our schedules, we said we would officially release this blog in mid-February. But anyway, just something to think about for now. [To-do reading: video-sharing rights, joint ventures]

Television blog
I felt like I wasn't being myself with that television blog I started, and consequentially, shut down a couple months back. I was being forced to write about everything when I didn't want to, I wrote reviews for some reason. What I really wanted to write about instead was about the thoughts that TV shows provoked in me, because writers put forward ideas that sometimes make quite an impact on the way I think after watching them. I'll try and get to reopening that one around the holiday season, 'cause I was quite unhappy that that didn't work out the first time.

Travel blog
When I turn 25, my best friend and I are leaving our lives behind to travel the entire world in all its power and beauty for however long it takes. We mean it when we say we'll do it, and everything we're doing in the next seven years is to make that voyage possible. We're learning languages, we're doing a lot of reading, and we're only in university, and soon to be working, so that we can earn money to give us steady beginnings as we get accustomed to the traveler's life when we first set out. In my reading, I've been finding a lot of interesting things about how to prepare for such a trip, and information on a lot of places we might want to visit on the trip. This journey requires a whole lot of planning (seven years worth of it), so perhaps compiling them in a blog as a pre-world trip logbook might interest some readers? [To-do reading: travelogues, other world trip experiences, travel destinations]

Hm. I feel a bit better now, 'cause all of that was getting difficult to keep in my head. All six blogs, I have passion for, but I'm a tad concerned about whether I can handle it. Somewhere in my heart, I know that the hard work will pay off, and that this is one of those things that I'm meant to do in this stage of my life. I play no musical instruments, and I do no sports - this is my talent, and I have to embrace it. All I can do is hope for personal fulfillment, recognition and happiness, so might as well hope for more... might as well dream big.

89 - What's my plan?

To be honest, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with a bachelor's degree in anthropology when I am awarded with it three years from now (with a specialization in European anthropology at that, by the way - it's a fancy course). About a year ago, I was pretty sure that this choice I made would contribute to a certain dream I had when I was a kid. I've said before that I want to be a top-class forensic anthropologist in the future, I've said I wanted to start my own homemade-style-of-cooking restaurant when I turn 21, I've said I wanted to go on a trip around the world with my best friend when I'm 25, and be sure to hit every single country on the planet while I'm at it. I've said before that I want to start settling down with someone when I'm roughly 28, have a kid or two before I'm 30, all the while keeping to my studies in English language, physiotherapy, and philosophy, while also working a full-time job as a forensic science anthropologist, maybe part-time teaching English, biology, or psychology. In addition to that, I will still have that restaurant, and by the time I'm 40, I will have opened up a café, a bar, a deli, and a nightclub, as well. As my kids start considering colleges while I'm roughly 45, I will already have a PhD in forensic science, and a handful of other qualifications in biological and social anthropology, English language, and business management. Even though it will be a high mountain to climb when I'm nearing 50, I will finally take up a medicine course, a dream I had since I was 15 but knew I didn't have the time, money or mindset to accomplish until I was much older. I will specialize in psychology, and have experience in pediatrics, Chinese medicine, neurology and mental health by the time I'm 60. Soon after I attain my second PhD, in psychology, I will leave my responsibilities at the hospital somewhere before 65 years old. I will be the owner of a dozen dining and drinking venues by then, I will reignite the candle that is my passion for travel, and I will continue to contribute to the world by enlightening those who wish to be talked to, at universities, hospitals, schools of business, private offices, high schools, medical schools, museums, libraries, and in lecture halls, classrooms, and anthropological, biological, psychological, and social research facilities, all over the US and the UK, Switzerland, Germany, Canada, China, Australia, Russia, and my childhood home, Hong Kong.

That is the brief plan that I've had in my head for a long time, and it feels good to have it all condensed into a paragraph as shown above, for my own reference, for my own reflection, for my own guidance, because it's a very big dream - a very, very, big dream that I'm now looking at as I sit here, barely started with my undergraduate course, at the beginning of my adulthood, at the beginning of the long lines of education and career that I will have when I die, and I'm now asking myself: How am I supposed to start a restaurant when I'm 21, and what am I supposed to do with a bachelor's degree in anthropology? How am I supposed to make my next step?

I will not accept advice from others, telling me that I'm still young, that I shouldn't think so much about the future because I will be disappointed, because I can never live in the moment, because it's unhealthy, and obsessive, and way over my head. I will not take suggestions from others, telling me that I should tone down my aspirations, because they're too big for me to handle. I will be sure to pace myself, and I will think about it as long and as seriously as I have to, to make sure this brief outline of my entire life for the next fifty years becomes my reality.

Now that that's understood, I would just like to confess that right now, I have no idea how to answer those two questions up there. That's all I'm saying - I'm slightly confused now. But I guess that's why it's a good thing that I have quite a while 'til I turn 21 and graduate with that anthropology degree, 'til I must pick a direction in which to steer.

Life is short, and life is long, life is what you make of it, and to live every second of it like it's your last is recommended. That's my uncouth, prosaic, and admittedly befuddling conclusion to this rambling for now.

What about you? Got any big plans for the future?

87 - A page from the diary

The UK is not as glamorous as I hoped it would be. It's hoped for, but also expected. And it's just as well. There is no need for me to get caught up in my foolish fantasies of a brand new sparkling study environment in England. At the moment, I can't say that I miss home terribly, but then again, I am unable to say that I am happy to be here either.

The trip was long, but not that I'm complaining. New Zealander air service is pretty good, very hospitable. Their meals weren't stellar or very filling, but at least it was tasty enough, and at least it was food.

I was admittedly too mindful of everything important to do with my time and my money and my traveling that I did not fully appreciate Heathrow Airport or the London underground. I wish we had the time for me to walk a bit slower, and to speculate on Britishness at my own pace, but the friend who welcomed me at the airport, and myself, were too time-pressed, and it was impossible for me to mentally gather my comments on every little thing. I wish we had the time to maybe surface to the streets of London and have a look around. I guess I'll have to find the time alone one weekend to explore London town.

But I really think I should start memorizing the Canterbury region first as best I can, like the badass motherfucker-rememberer I was back in Hong Kong.

The first thing I noticed as I stepped out of the Arrivals gate is that everybody is very English. I guess that's a stupid thing to say, as England is obviously going to seem very English, but it's a fact nonetheless that I took note of in my head as I was making my way to Canterbury. I wish I could put my finger on why that was so noticeable to me initially, but I think summarizing the entire British population's behavior in one specific description is too tricky a task.

Anyway, the dormitory room that I am staying in is really standard. There is nothing special about it, and it will need a lot of touching up in order to make it feel like home. At least I've got beer coasters from my first job, and photos of my family and friends, to pin to my cork noticeboard and remind me of where I came from. I miss my old bartending job. I suppose I will feel differently and a bit better once lectures begin and I can then focus my mind on a routinely focusable process once more.

This room needs books most of all. I can already feel my IQ dropping as I lie in this bare room with empty excuses for bookshelves.

I wish I had someone I knew with me to experience this with. I guess loneliness and acceptance of always being on my own will be something I'll learn really quickly, lest I might enter a state of depression.

Ultimately, though, I like the internal struggle I have going on inside me. It is difficult to be here, to have traveled here all by myself, to study and to live here, and to make a helluvan effort to meet new people and socialize, but it's all towards this bigger, more important goal.

I am not living in reality anymore.

I am living my dream.

85 - I knew a girl called Jade.

There was a time when I had the chance to date this beautiful girl six years ago. She was Australian-Chinese, and we initially met in our first year of high school. When you spoke to her for the first time, you would know in your mind to place her in the 'cool' clique at school. She simply had that charm about her, in the fragrance of her hair, the apparent sincerity of her smile, the chipmunky cheerfulness of her voice, her whole aura, a kind of biological femininity that was especially crafted for luring male companions, for enticing men, but her kindliness and immediate congeniality not necessarily indicative of you two strangers turning into friends, or becoming something more.

I, on the other hand, went into high school open-minded, and lacking any predetermined social standing. I was one of those kids that had the potential to end up a studious nerd, a lonesome bully, a suicidal emo kid, a regular Joe, a friendly Tom, an outrageously gay socialite, a muscular jock, or one of those guys that are just as clingy as their girlfriends and that never hang out with anyone else because both members of the relationship are too mutually preoccupied with having to attend to each other's needs and wants every minute of every day.

It was conceivable for me to be that last guy - to end up with that gorgeous-looking girl, to hang out with her and her two younger brothers all the time on yachts and on beaches, surfing, building sand castles, summering with her family on the coast of Maui, Costa Rica or Cebu, to make out during romantic movies and feed each other popcorn, to hold hands as we walked through the school corridors and sat in classrooms, unafraid of displaying our sick, mushy love for each other, to have amazing secret sex in parks and on rooftops that would make anybody jealous if they heard about it, to curl up next to a fireplace on long winter nights, playing Monopoly, drinking hot cocoa and exchanging funny anecdotes, or perhaps sharing our thoughts on what life would be like if it were drastically different from the one we were living...

Despite all the images I could conjure up now, it isn't the way it turned out. The details aren't necessary for you to know (as I am ashamed of said details), but in the end, Jade and I (and everybody else) all attribute the non-existence of this relationship in history to my own foolishness. This could-have-been pairing is just one of those situations that belongs in dreams and alternate realities.

35 - Resolutions need time to take effect

The impatient pessimists sitting on their high horses all tell me and some of my other friends that we are hopelessly hopeful because new year resolutions never, ever work. They are so sure of themselves, and believe that we will drop our resolutions and live another self-centered year like 2008.

I think resolutions take a bit of time to kick in and to take effect, i.e., it takes a while for one to get used to what he/she has to deal with for the rest of the coming year. One's performance in carrying out their resolutions should not be based on the mere first six days out of 365. We have a long way to go and who knows what will happen. Someone wise and dear to me once said: "Don't sound so confident, Michael."

I point that quote out to all you skeptical, cynical and spiteful folks out there, because it looks like I've found the beginning of the path to my goals for this year. Laid out on the path is my iPod, my laptop with my Dashboard shown on the screen, my textbooks, tens of cartons of instant coffee powder and an assortment of all my favorite foods. On the left-hand side, you will find my family standing there and on the right are all the things I love about Hong Kong alongside this one single road. I've found what I want to do really to achieve my goal. So good for me.

22 - I fell to my death again.

I've been having a recurring dream for about three years running now. The exact details of the dream always change but the thing that never changes is: I die.

In my dreams, I get my head chopped off, I dehydrate in a desert, I drown, I burn, I fall off buildings, bridges and cliffs, I get struck by lightning, I starve on an isolated island, I get a plastic bag thrown over my head and asphyxiated, I get consumed by thousands of scarabs, I'm predated by wild African animals, I get run over by a train, I sit in a car that explodes or a plane that crashes, I'm in hospital and my heart rate monitor just beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeps.

If that's not enough, in my dreams, I've fallen into a deep hole in the floor, I've been eaten by water snakes while I was swimming in a pool, I've died in the electric chair, I'm unconscious but the pathologist opens up my chest cavity.

I get shot, I get stabbed, I get hung, I get beaten up, I fall off a roller coaster, I get a heart attack, I get hit on the back of the head, I get surgery but the doctor's scalpel slips and pierces my beating heart (probably the most graphic one)... aaaaaand I think that's all of them.

Last night, I fell to my death again. The setting was so eerie that normally it would've been scary. I was sitting in a dark room and I was seated a table. I was being interrogated by a faceless man on the opposite side. I ran out of the dark room when the interrogator was distracted, only to escape into a darker, smoky corridor. I run. And reach the top of a staircase. The person interrogating me was chasing me and instead of choosing to run down many, many stairs, I must have figured that it wasn't worth giving up whatever information I had to that guy, even if it cost me my life. So, I grabbed the handrail of the stairs and jumped over the side to fall to my death again.

In all of these death dreams, I see myself in the third-person. I always wake up before I hit the ground, right when the bullet is fired, the moment I breathe in my last breath. I never see the end of it. I get these dreams so often that it's all I remember dreaming about. They're not even nightmares to me, just dreams. I'm too used to them.

According to dream interpretations, dreaming of death symbolizes that I am ready to change, to have my old lifestyle, environment or personality 'die' so I can be 'reborn' to form a new one. I dream of death so often because I always want a change. It's change I can't get right now. I haven't been able to get it for three years.

That will change soon, though. I can already feel it. The day that happens will be a good day.