130 - Deep thoughts

I enjoy deep thought a lot. The deeper the better. Thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking is like achieving a perfectly cooked steak. (Seriously, try it. Betcha can't get past the third 'thinking'.) As much as I would like to 'live in the moment' and just 'go with it', I find that lying in the subconscious are tons of wonderful things to stimulate the mind and really make you wonder about the purpose of all that's around you and the meaning that lies within your own existence. People always tell me I overthink things too much, but I have to disagree. I think having reasons for every aspect of what I do, what I feel, and what I believe, is important and useful because it gives me justification for my actions, it gives me direction and clarifies my goals, and it helps me improve myself when I focus on what I do wrong exactly.

Today is just a rambling, because my mind is quite tired at the moment from over six hours of this continual thought. I guess deep thought is only good for me in short amounts. Before I wrote these paragraphs, I wanted to talk about a great number of things, which I won't bore myself with now, but a rave is what I've decided to finally publish here, because I just cannot decide on one thing to talk about.

One thing that really saddens me is the fact that not many people out there are willing to get into a deep and meaningful conversation (a phenomenon my ex-classmates used to abbreviate to the term, 'DMC's'). Most people just like to stay with superficial chit-chat, which is not a bad thing at all in my opinion - just not my cup of tea. It doesn't sadden me because I think it's pathetic to discuss things that are shallower, it saddens me because I just don't know how to talk about things like that for prolonged periods of time, and it isolates me, and makes me different from others.

But I think that everybody needs to have DMC's every now and then, and it sort of compensates for my loneliness when people come to me to talk about serious things. I like being the one they can come to, and even rely on to sort out other people's problems. I may lose my usefulness once the conversation topic lightens up, but at least I did my part in bringing them past the thorny parts. And that's all I really want to say today. Goodnight.

125 - Subconscious forward-thinking

I'm sure at some point in your life, on your return home, you've stashed away some candy that you bought at the convenience store, so that you could then take it out again later to snack on it at around midnight, when you're going to be pulling an all-nighter, finishing that History essay for school due tomorrow, or analyzing this quarter's statistics for the business briefing with the bosses the next day. We do these sorts of things all the time, just to treat ourselves to some good stuff later. We place our shoes neatly somewhere near the front entrance of your room, or your house, for easier access the next day. We buy ourselves an entire bottle of vodka, or a six-can pack of Coca Cola, even though we're not going to drink it all at once, but because we are saving up for the future. If you have a slow internet connection, you may pause the Youtube video, or whatever video, before it even begins playing, because then you can play it all at one go in a few minutes without having to wait for it to buffer.

I do this most of all with my money, and my snacks. There must have been at least fifty times in the past four years, when I've exited the school premises, and on my way home, noticed that I had a lollipop or a Mars Bar in my bag or in my jacket pocket that I forgot I even purchased at least a day ago. And I would often hide my money in between the pages of books, and then I would forget about it until I found it again, long after the day I hid it in the first place.

And everytime I found one of these nice surprises, I look up at the sky, for that is where destiny/fate/the past is to me, and I say to myself, Well done, Michael...

Because in some weird subconscious way, I was treating myself for the future without even knowing it.

Today, I was tidying my room here at university because I wanted it to look neat for when my mother comes to visit me next week. Inside one of my drawers, I unexpectedly found £10. I was so happy, 'cause I had actually come to believe I was broke. For almost seven weeks, I had almost nothing in my bank account, and nothing but a bowl of copper coins in cash. And I somewhat believe that a few months ago, I had hidden that £10 purposefully for a day like this - where I was on the verge of starvation, in desperate need for some seed money for my mini-welcome party for my mother... and low and behold, I got it.

It's been nearly five months since I last saw my mother, and after she leaves, it'll be close to another five months 'til I see her again. Since I've come to the UK from Hong Kong, I've forced myself not to think about things like missing my parents or missing my best friend, because I know it's not healthy to yearn. I never had to will myself not to think about these things, though... it wasn't a challenge. It just happened naturally, subconsciously, and I think, again, these things that happen in the subconscious are my mind's attempt at treating me well in the long run, a form of forward-thinking, you might say.

97 - On insomnia.

I have an aversion to sleep - although, nowadays, I often pass out on my bed anyway - something I didn't do before. Back in my heyday, around four, five, six years ago, I would go on living with around only five hours of sleep per week. I loved to stay up late, I felt so great having so much time to play pointless online games (after completing all of my homework, of course), and read stuff online.

Now, I feel like my quota for time spent awake is finally running low. I can't help but to fall asleep, sometimes at the most obscure and inconvenient times - right before a lecture, right before a party, right before the sun comes up, right before lunchtime. I'm trying to stay awake, and when my mind can't take it any longer, it compels me to draw the curtains shut, turn the lights off, and simply catch some desperately needed rest, whether or not I have somewhere to be in a few hours, regardless of whether or not I believe I'm going to be able to get up later or not. My case is serious, because I will really throw away all of my obligations and responsibilities—my classes, my family time, my job—just to stay in bed another five minutes longer, ten minutes longer, oops, what time is it?... eight hours have gone by?... I'm screwed, might as well go back to sleep... ZZZzzzzzz.........

Honestly, I have Googled ways to increase insomnic ability. It's a little bit sad, and that's right, I call it an ability. Because if I could just push through another few hours without rest each day, I would be able to do so much more. The pile of things I wish I could tend to gets taller and taller everyday, and at an exponential rate. I've been warned before, about how it's bad for my skin, and bad for my eyes, and bad for my brain to stay awake over overly long hours of the day, but I don't care. I want to sleep less. It's only because I used to be the best at it back in the day that makes me stubborn, and in denial of the fact that I'm not the young man I was a few years ago, capable of doing things that my now tired body cannot.

Sigh.